Tight-a**** hubby driving me insane!

cathryn107

I think Sakura has been scared off!

I'm astonished that he's keeping track of normal household outgoings so she can pay him back when she gets a job. Is he her student flatmate or her husband?

I actually find this man's attitude a bit worrying tbh. Controlling access to money, guilt-tripping, and humiliating his wife in public over a pound coin. :mad:

Sakura, if he's behaving like this when you're unemployed how would he be if you had a baby and needed to be at home full-time for a period? Would he want you to pay him back when the child was older? What would happen if you were seriously ill and couldn't work for months? When you finally recovered would you be made to repay the 'debts' you'd racked up?

If you marry someone you know there will be bad times as well as good. You need to be sure that your partner will be there for you are times when you are vulnerable. Although a period of unemployment isn't the worst thing in the world, you need his support, and you say yourself he's being "unbearable". Seriously, if you were diagnosed with cancer or some other serious illness tomorrow, and ended up completely financially dependent on him, would you trust him to behave well? Also, would you behave in this way towards him, if the situations were reversed? I doubt it and think you are entitled to the same respect.

With my dh, there have been times when I've been unemployed and he's 'kept' me, and times when I've been in work and he hasn't and I've paid for both of us. Sometimes he's been the bigger earner, and sometimes it's been me but the money has always been treated as joint income. This is how normal people behave!

tandraig

may I just say - my OH has his faults - but, and its a big but, he has always been the main wage earner. I have taken temporary part time jobs but my main role was to run the house and bring up the kids. and he is not a slouch when it comes to housework - he pitches in and helps! moans a lot about it - but he does help! I could not live with a man like OPs hubby. no way! to me he is controlling her with money and that is plain unacceptable. i mentioned it to OH and he was shocked! couldnt believe a man could be this way...........but he was brought up to believe the man should support the wife and family - he thinks he is modern minded in that if the wife works then her income is a bonus! bit old-fashioned I know - but I dont mind that!

Sakura_Yuki

Hi everyone. Sorry for not posting for a while - the week before Christmas is my busiest of the year as an eBay seller & by the time I get everything done, I just end up collapsing in front of Desperate Housewives 'til bedtime. And yes, I'm aware of the irony, before anyone points it out.

I have a few interesting updates, but first off, just to reply to a couple of points:

1) Kids will never be an issue. No offence to any parents on here, but I really don't like kids & OH is thankfully in agreement. My parents are not, but they've moved onto badgering my little brother & his girlfriend for grandkids instead.

2)

Buttonmoons wrote: »

Is the OP forced to JUST spend £10 and no more of her husbands money on Groceries?

I should really have said that I'm not actually forced to spend that amount & it certainly isn't set in stone. It's not even what I choose to spend, but I have downshifted a lot recently, am willing to shop around, am careful how I spend my money (ASDA is two minutes down the road for us, so we raid it late evenings for stupidly cheap fruit & veg) & it's just roughly what I notice I've spent on groceries by the time the end of the month rolls around. When we did have more money, we were basically just buying fancier versions of the same stuff (plus pre-made bread, stock & a few more exotic ingredients) & still didn't spend more than about £20 a week, as I have never been one for convenience foods.

Also, that is just what we spend on food. Probably also spend about a tenner a month on stuff like cleaning products & toiletries, plus a tenner or so on cat food & litter (we have three).

I also don't see how I could really be eating a healthier diet as a vegetarian - it's very hard to make a veggie meal that isn't going to have at least a few carbs in no matter how much you have to spend! I usually get around this with regular exercise, but have been too busy / knackered this month, which is most likely why I have been gaining weight. And for those who reckoned I may be too skinny, I'm a size 12 (pushing a 14 now :sad:), which is a healthy size for someone who is 5ft 9.

For the person who said I should eat more lentils, I do (OH loves lentils, for some reason). I buy in bulk every few months - you can get a huge packet for about four quid or so.

I also do occassionally spend slightly more if I want to cook something really special. I spent four quid or so on extra ingredients last week, as it was a special occasion & I was cooking a three-course Thai meal (hot & sour soup, sweetcorn fritters with dipping sauce & three mushrooms in coconut milk with Thai fragant rice, if anyone's interested), but this sort of thing is pretty rare for me.

Anyway, now that's out of the way, I have good news!

Firstly, I just got a new job! It isn't much, just a bit of part-time bar work, but it's enough to push us back into the 'comfort zone' & I actually really enjoy bar work, as it's sociable & keeps me active. Plus, the hours will fit easily around my mystery shopping & eBaying.

Don't really intend to change our shopping habits that much, as I would love to get some savings started, although I may start doing more Eastern cookery (requiring a few more 'fancy' ingredients), as I love expanding my reportoire.

Secondly, we opened that joint account. As I'm the only person to have put any money in to date (he doesn't get paid 'til tomorrow), he actually had to ask my permission to take some money out to buy gas. This made me happy.

As someone suggested, I told him flat out that he was welcome to start doing the groceries himself, if he reckoned he could feed us for less & threatened to stop cooking, as I know he'd live off ready meals on his own, costing him a small fortune. Also told him he could start paying a 'proper' hairdresser to cut his hair, as I trim his barnet for him every three weeks or so. Since then, he's been a bit less of an !!!!

Lastly, I made an absolute killing on eBay last week, so after putting half of it into the joint account & buying the xmas gifts, I was finally able to treat myself to a much-needed new winter coat , boots & a couple of jumpers (all from eBay or Primark, so only spent about £40). Even got Mr. Grumpy a new coat too, as he spotted one for £7 in Primark & didn't have the money to spare.

In short, things are looking up! We are actually going to finish the month with a surplus for once! :rotfl:

duchy

Yay I'm glad you ignored all the assumptions and pontification about diet and came back to update .
It seems your ebay windfall and the new job have given you a real boost and confidence to change things without huge drama but in a sensible way that will be lasting.
Merry Christmas to you and a very happy new year

misgrace

Raspberry_Ripples wrote: »

I know everyone is different and circumstances affect behaviour, but it never ceases to amaze me how money (be it household income, spending, inheritence etc) can change some people into ar5seholes.

I work, have 2 kids, wife is SAHM, but when I get paid nearly all my salary goes into a joint account (I pay the mortgage from my acount). I have credit card with OH as additional cardholder that is funded from the joint account and all bills are paid from here too. In my world this seems perfectly normal...

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not blowing my own trumpet saying how righteous I am, nor am I judging anyone - I am not in a position to, but when you get married, isn't this the way its supposed to be? You share every part of your life with this person, have children etc, so why should money be any different?


RR

Your not blowing your own trumpet, its how it should be I think.

You are a team, man and wife, or partners, when one is out of work the other should pay the majority or even all of the household costs.

I feel for the OP, as my Oh is tight in some ways, or just doesnt think.
I was out of work for a good few weeks, not once did he say to me, 'are you okay for money', 'have you enough to get by' I had a gas bill lying around, and he never even mentioned or said, 'have you enough to pay for it'?
I pay the bills, food, TV license etc, plus I get the birthday/Xmas pressies etc, he pays Mortgage and council tax and Sky (for him)

I get very resentful, and it does cause big arguments from me, as I cannot believe he can is so thoughtless by not realising I am not earning, bearing in mind I dont get sick, or holiday pay as work for myself.
So I really sympathise with you OP, and if I am being honest he will not change either, he is set in his ways.

I am sorting my mess out, its not just the money business, but cant say at the moment, as my plans need a lot of sorting out.

The thing that really winds me up in this situation, yours and mine, is that you probabaly are a grafter like me, never spends much on yourself, whats a manicure, facial, haircut, let alone buying clothes all the time?, I never do these things and have always worked, bought lovely stuff for the home, contributed to holidays etc, and yet made to feel that I am sponging, well sponging is too strong a word for me, but having to ask, or wait for him to mention that I have no money.

He should be supporting you specially in this work climate, and not resent giving you any money.

Chinkle

OP I'm glad that things are looking up since you originally posted. The thread seemed to go off at a tangent and focus on food and budgeting somewhat.

I hope your job works out, but I think there are still underlying issues here. It doesn't sound like your husband is delibrately mean ie spending loads on himself but denying you. I think he is probably very insecure around money and this took on more significance when you lost your job.

Now that things have improved why not have a chat about how difficult it was for you, that you increased your contribution to the household in other ways - I don't think you should now be paying him back for the finanical share he says you owe. It's a partnership and you run the household together - contributing both in time and £s.