Tight-a**** hubby driving me insane!

Sakura_Yuki

My husband has always been a walking stereotype for the stingy Scotsman (I swear when he drops a penny, it hits him in the back of the head), but since I lost my job a few months ago, he's become unbearable.

I try to bring in what I can through eBay sales & mystery shopping, but it isn't much. I never treat myself & all my money goes on paying my debts & groceries. He's covering the household bills, but is keeping track of 'my half' for when I find work & is expecting me to pay him back. Not exactly the greatest motivation for me to find work (not that I can, been trying for two effing months now), as this means that my personal financial situation is unlikely to ever improve.

Apart from the bills, the only thing I have asked him for since losing my job is to pay for the groceries occasionally, at which point he starts acting like it's the end of the world. I cook everything from scratch (including bread), am extremely frugal with the groceries & have our food bill down to about a tenner a week. And I'm using said groceries to feed him, yet he keeps track of literally every penny he spends & tries to make me feel guilty. I contribute too, but don't feel the need to keep a running total, even when I buy things that are specifically for him, as that sort of bloody-mindedness just isn't in my nature.

The final straw was when I was paying for the veg for the week's meals at the market last week & was a pound short. I asked him if he had any money & he threw a big embarassing strop in front of the poor lady behind the stall & slammed all his change into my wallet, having a go at me for using up all his money.

He's always expected me to pay half the bills, even though he has always earned significantly more than I do.

I do appreciate him covering the mortgage & other bills & the relationship is otherwise good, but his melodramtic attitude to money is driving me bonkers. I've been trying really hard to find work (never leave the house without copies of my CV in my bag, just in case I spot a vacancy) & am also trying my best to cut the household expenses & bring in as much money as I can, but he never seems to acknowledge this.

Help!

Wine_of_the_World

A partnership is a partnership, with both people bring different things into the relationship. Does he do half the cooking? Half the cleaning / washing etc? Perhaps you could point out the things you bring to the relationship besides just money.

As you are cooking everything from scratch you are saving the household a considerable amount of money. But this takes time, perhaps you should put this time as your payment towards the cost of running the household.

Are you struggling for money, or are there things he is now unable to do because of you not working? In any case he does sound unreasonable. I know every couple arranges their finances differently, but it doesnt sound as though you are a spendthrif at all. I could understand him not wanting to give you lots of money now you are not working, and that outgoings need to be reduced, but you are contributing as much as you can.

Does he admit to being tight?

Morglin

If your'e doing all the household chores, you could always insist he pays you the going rate for a housekeeper/cook..........;)

But, mean with money usually equals a mean spirited person in all ways - are you sure you want to remain married to this man?

Lin

Sakura_Yuki

I do all the cooking by choice (usually takes up two to three hours of my day), as I enjoy it & he is a truly awful cook. He does the washing up (with much complaining) & 'Jobby Patrol' (cleaning the litter box) as I have a bit of a germ phobia. The rest of the stuff is pretty even.

Money is tight, but there's nothing he has had to sacrifice (apart from our season tickets, which hasn't turned out to be a great loss this year - we're Portsmouth fans :sad:) & he still regularly treats himself to little things here & there.

I suppose I could be doing more around the house, but with all the cooking, eBaying, post office runs & mystery shopping, I'm pretty much 'working' full time.

dongt

One has to wonder why he is so mean to you. Perhaps he was conditioned that way because of some earlier financial experiences. He is definitely insecure about money, and now that you are not working , that makes it even worse. Perhaps money is what gives meaning to his life, makes him feel powerful. Any dimunition of it weakens him. Is this behaviour recent.Was it apparent when you was dating him.
I have always felt that a person's basic character doesn't change. They may do a little pruning here and there, but the basic underlying character will always emerge, particularly at times of stress.
You mention that the relationship otherwise is satisfactory. Perhaps you should just talk about the issue with him on a one to one basis, when he is in a good mood. He needs to know how you feel. If he cares about you, then surely, he should show some consideration. If nothing changes, then getting some counselling may be necessary. My sympathies are with you in the circumstances.

Penny_Watcher

My friend's daughter earns £400 p/w net working as a live in housekeeper/nanny. I'd think you should suggest that you charge him for any domestic services you perform if he continues to be such a prat. Find out how much cleaners are per hour locally - same for laundry and ironing services. See how much it's would cost him to either eat out for every meal or hire a private chef.

Sakura_Yuki

Penny_Watcher wrote: »

My friend's daughter earns £400 p/w net working as a live in housekeeper/nanny. I'd think you should suggest that you charge him for any domestic services you perform if he continues to be such a prat. Find out how much cleaners are per hour locally - same for laundry and ironing services. See how much it's would cost him to either eat out for every meal or hire a private chef.

Loving this idea! I'm going to trot that one out next time he starts!

He was always a little stingy (he comes from a big Scottish family & money was a bit tight when he was growing up), but never used to be this bad. In the past, whoever picked up the bills would pay them & whoever was passing the store would buy the groceries & we didn't 'keep score'. This started a couple of years ago & has been getting worse since.

I probably haven't painted a very balanced picture of him - he is honestly otherwise lovely - he's affectionate & does things like making me a warm patch in the bed every night because I'm always freezing & has recently started leaving the room whenever he has to fart. :rotfl:

fletch3163

Hi there

I'm a firm believer that the state of the world in the past 18 months has turned a lot of us into stingy articles. I too have gotten worse like your husband (I'm a ScotsWOMAN) and I too am from a HUGE poor Scottish family. So, although I understand his behaviour re money, I don't actually understand his behaviour towards you, his beloved wife!

As you say, he's darling to you in every other way in life, it's just the money side of it that's troublesome. I think it's deep rooted definitely in his upbringing (not the Scottish-ness at all:p). My husband, who DOESN'T leave the room to fart:mad:, would spend every penny we had if I let him. I always say to him actually that I would hate to come to him for money because I think he would lord it over me a bit.

If I were you I would try to have a word about it when you're not shopping or otherwise spending money. You know, just one evening on the couch, you just tell him how his running totals are stressing you out.

Good luck

Raspberry_Ripples

I know everyone is different and circumstances affect behaviour, but it never ceases to amaze me how money (be it household income, spending, inheritence etc) can change some people into ar5seholes.

I work, have 2 kids, wife is SAHM, but when I get paid nearly all my salary goes into a joint account (I pay the mortgage from my acount). I have credit card with OH as additional cardholder that is funded from the joint account and all bills are paid from here too. In my world this seems perfectly normal...

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not blowing my own trumpet saying how righteous I am, nor am I judging anyone - I am not in a position to, but when you get married, isn't this the way its supposed to be? You share every part of your life with this person, have children etc, so why should money be any different?

Its the same with inheritence, I am fortunate in still having both my parents, but I have already told my brother, when they pass, if he wants everything, he's welcome to it - I have no intention of falling out with him over money. Life is too short.

Sorry OP, for this sermon on morality, it's not meant to be (and again, I judge no one as I have no right to), but I read similar stories to this time and time again on this forum and it never ceases to amaze me!

RR

Errata

am extremely frugal with the groceries & have our food bill down to about a tenner a week.

I shouldn't worry too much. If the pair of you are existing on a fivers worth each of food a week one of you will be expiring from malnutrition before too long.

McKneff

I suppose everyone is different and every couples relationship is different
but i can never understand this mine and yours in a relationship.
From day one in our marriage (of 41 years) we have had a joint account'
Everything that we earn or pensions nowadays goes into that and everything that we spend goes out of that, at the end of the month it is transferred into savings. He needs something, he draws out some money, i need something, i draw out some money. The big buys we discuss it first. What we earn singly isnt an issue and we never think about it.

Over the years there has been occasions when he has not earned and I have not earned. At the moment i put into the coffers about £1200 a month, his pension is around £600. We dont think about it individually, its just money in the bank. I think if it was a mine and yours marriage we would probably have parted a long time ago.

My son is married with two children, his wife doesnt work but he pays all the bills, there is no mine and yours in their relationship either. Thats just the way it is and should be if he's working and earning and she is homemaking. He also helps witht he chores too.

regards
Annie