so disappointed...

Pee

I'll add another voice to the Uni isn't everything, but agree with you that getting a job at the moment is hard and bound to be harder with no experience, no driving license and only a University course that he couldn't stick to for his future employer to judge him by.

It doesn't sound to me like Uni is not for him - the work isn't too hard and he's not doing the wrong subject.

You sound very understanding and I don't think you are likely to shout. Exams can be resat - they will probably be in February and may not be until June.

Silaqui

I was in a similar situation to your son when I went to uni. I was one of the youngest in my year (July birthday), and had never revised for exams in my life but always been able to just fly through them. The difference is that the quality and style of teaching in school is far, far different than most universities. Whereas in school you can sit and soak up the lesson and probably not need to know much more, in uni you are expected to find things out for yourself and take a more proactive role.

Obviously there is also the new freedom. I went out a lot in the first couple of weeks I was there, really overdoing it as people do.
But one point that sticks out for me was about a week after that, sitting counting my pennies in my purse and finding out that I had a tenner to buy food and everything else, closely followed by a mobile phone bill dropping through the door - for £150 (based on all the calls I'd made arranging my nights out and to people back home). I have never felt so sick to my stomach as I did then - I just didn't know how to deal with it but was too ashamed to tell my mum and dad. I had worked and managed money before, but only to the extent of making sure I could pay my phone bill and bus fare with a bit of spending money!

One thing to remember is that Universities know that the first year is a struggle/doss for many students. They know that a lot of people won't cope with their first year of freedom and so they will tend to allow retakes and things. As someone else said, the grades for the first year often don't count towards the degree classification, you simply need to get enough to pass.

I would definitely encourage him to think carefully about dropping out, at least see through the year. Partially for the job situation, but also from a financial point of view; I *think* that if you have already taken a student loan (even partially or without finishing) you are not eligible for one in the future should you change your mind.
He seems like he is being proactive about it which is great - I hope he manages to get things sorted out!

x

fedupnow

Hi - you sound like me.

My son is two and a half hours away in his first year too. He won't be 19 till July and he did the Diploma route with 3xDs.

My boy (ok man) is desperately homesick. Weird, as he couldn't wait to go. I am very worried about him as he says he is not sleeping. The more tired he gets, the more unhappy and the less he is able to concentrate on his studies. He so wants to do well and puts so much pressure on himself. I have heard the 'I've blown it' and 'I've let you down' etc. More pressure = less sleep and round and round it goes.

He too says that the work is 'not that bad' and he has lots of friends - he gets on with his housemates ... he has nothing specific to be unhappy about - it's just the whole caboodle. I guess it is just a huge change, the reality may be different from what they imagined and they can't chill quite the same as home.

I am hoping the upcoming Xmas break is going to be a time for recharging his battery. A few days rest - some fun and work balance lessons off his Mum - and then a few more rest days before going back with a fresh, optimistic attitude.

I guarantee there are thousands of Mum's like you and I up and down the country. Just because they are officially young adults does not mean we stop worrying about them.

Good luck to you both.

jamespir

i think you have no reason to be dissapointed some people are made for uni some arent and both you and your oh have to except that and let your son make descions for himself hes not a baby anymore and he doesent need mummys permission

amy_lou_4

Fedupnow- Has your son been to see his GP or Welfare Advisor at the student union? We were always advised to seek help if we were feeling depressed or not sleeping, or having problems like that which we felt we could not solve on our own or with our friends. You are definitely right about the holidays though- I LOVED coming home in the holidays and having a bit of time of to relax- usually I was lazy until about the 28th and then started working again on January exams or essays, and without fail I brought home 3 times more work and books than I actually made use of in the whole holiday! You sound like you will be very understanding of what he needs- ie lots of lie-ins

Jillymit- I am so glad your son is going to see his tutor. I was very lucky to have an incredibly caring and helpful tutor at Manchester (we have been emailing this week as I need a reference and she is still really interested in what I am doing) and I hope your son's is the same. The other advantage is that they will know exactly what questions to ask and what to discuss with your son with the aim of defining exactly what he wants to change.
In a way I have to say, good on your lad for going out and making friends! It can be tough for people who didn't go out much before university and they *can* go overboard, but he is doing much better than those who arrive at uni with no social skills and end up being isolated for the next few years. He will get used to it, now he has realised he can't go out every single night- like Silaqui said, money becomes part of that as you learn to budget better.
In terms of studying- I was quite behind in my first term, only using the course textbook for most of my reading, and didn't go into the library until the end of November when I had my first essay to do in International Relations! His tutor might be able to help with him ways to access resources- I was appalled to discover in my final year that some people on my course were still unable to search online journals to find their own articles to read, and could only get to the ones they were given direct links for by our tutors! The earlier he is given the tools to do his own research., the easier he can catch up and hopefully even get ahead

melancholly

whether or not uni is for him, he will still have to pay back loans for the time he is there! that is a major factor - once money is invested in this level of education, walking away is a lot harder than say, 15 years ago, when you didn't have to pay!!

maybe get him home for this weekend and see how he does and what he says. it's not all about making friends on your course (and the people you spend time with in the first two months aren't necessarily the people you spend time with two months later!).

i'd also say that he can't really be all that behind - he may think he is, but having been through uni, most recent graduates would say that the first term isn't that heavy on the workload (that will change by course/institution but it's a reasonable generalisation). he also will only need to pass, rather than do exceptionally well.

uni can be a tough time for bright students who did better than average at school and end up being distinctly average in a different peer group at university. that adjustment can be hard. i settled with knowing i was never going to be the best and went to the pub! some people struggle a lot more but it's worth reminding him that what really matters is year 3 and what he's doing right now might only marginally influence that.

i imagine with an efficient holiday over Christmas (perhaps with some 'encouragement' from you!), he'll be ok. it's hard to make such important and emotionally decisions when you're in a new place with people who you haven't known very long. it's certainly worth at least sitting the exams before making any rash decisions, ideally finishing the first year.

Lyger

Well, if it's the exams he's worried about, or the studying for the exams, or even where to get started with getting his head down to revision, here's a tip one of my uni tutors gave to me - tell him to get copies of the previous exam papers and past exam answers from the university library (they should all be there) to use as a study aid.

Sounds odd, but the people who set the exam questions tend to be lazy - and you find that the 'old' exam questions get repeated in the new exam papers. It takes off a hell of a lot of pressure, and also offers a guideline on which specific areas of a subject should receive a bit more notice.

He'll still have to work to catch up, especially if he's really far behind - but one of the things I struggled with at university was exam revision. I just didn't know 'how' to revise, if that makes sense, and it did put pressure on me to figure it out. The past exam papers were like gold dust to me, and they should see him through his first set of exams (though not coursework!) without too much stress involved.

jillymit

Thanks again!
I haven't heard any news from him since he email to say he was meeting with his tutor. He did say he would 'keep me posted' so I'm trying hard not to phone him (it's killing me! )
Fedupnow - Yes it is hard isn't it? It sounds like your son could do with a bit of support as well, has he spoken to anyone there about how he feels?
It seems to be hard for boys (men) to admit there's a problem.
I looked up all the student support staff details on the uni web site and sent them to mine, I know he could have looked them up himself but it was all I could think of to do to help. I was amazed at how much there was from personal tutors to confidential councillors even a chaplain, although as a family we are not religious.
My DS tends to shut him self off and not be too pleasant to those who are trying to help. He was v. upset when we spoke the other day and although I didn't get cross with him I didn't say oh come home I'll look after you either ha ha!
I did point out a few home truths which didn't go down too well and I got hung up on a couple of times before he thought on and rang me to say he was sorry.
No one in in our family has ever been to uni so I have know idea how his course works or whether he will have actual exams to do, his BTEC was all course work units with no final exams at all, he's doing computer science.
I don't know if he will chose to stay or come back home yet but I feel happier that I've done as much as I can to help him make an informed choice. I really hope he sticks at it, works his backside off and sorts it out but I agree it's no good doing that if his hearts not in it. I'm under no illusions he will do as he pleases, it's a long time since he just did things to please me!:rotfl:
Edit ...I've just googled the course and yes it looks like exams are at the end of each year. "First year's exams consist of five 3 hour papers on Functional Programming, Data Structures and Algorithms; Imperative Programming; Digital Hardware and Logic & Proof; Discrete Mathematics and Linear Algebra; and Calculus and Probability"!!!!!!!
I don't have a clue what these all mean but will take your tip Lyger if he's still there and get him to look up some old papers. Cheers.

littlemissmoney

Even if he has done no work in the first term he can catch up over the xmas holidays if he doesn't have to do paid work. How many weeks is he at home?

hieveryone

Op, I appreciate that you want the best for your son and want him to do well in life, but I find it a shame that you say you are 'so disappointed' - maybe this feeling is rubbing off on your son and that is why he finds it hard to open up?

I dropped out of my first year at uni, I was only 17 and it just wasn't the right time for me. I had no hesitation in telling my parents, and I knew they would be fine with it. The uni I got into at that time is one of the best in the country I live in.

They completely supported me, didn't do the whole 'we're so disappointed' routine etc, and I felt totally happy with my decision, like a weight had been lifted.

I worked for a year, (to be fair, in !!!!py jobs), travelled a bit, but most importantly - GREW UP. Working in all those rubbish jobs showed me that I wanted to get to a better place, and I went back to college and night school, got my grades, got back into uni, and ended up with my dream career.

Maybe your son just needs to know that you are 'there', and that you will love and support him whatever he does, uni or no uni