so disappointed...

Pee

Even if he hasn't attended a lecture or a tutorial from September to now and not bought a book yet, I am sure that he can catch up, especially with Christmas coming. The first year is usually not very important - it's a matter of passing and getting through to the next stage. Suddenly having freedom at 18 can be a difficult concept. I really think speaking to his tutors would be the best step.

If he gives up now and goes back next year, I doubt that he will do any better.

I am sure that lots of people have problems with this and the University will have people able to help.

not_tonight_josephine_2

Are you sure that it's just being behind on academic work which is the issue here? As a couple of others have said, I'd be wondering whether he is homesick/taking a while to adjust and make friends/has girlfriend issues or something like that too? The first term at uni doesn't usually involve so much important work that you can't catch up pretty easily - I don't remember there being any courses at my uni where your first term's work actually counted towards your results.

Can you maybe suggest that he sticks it out for one more term (that's probably only 10 weeks) and then you discuss again at Easter? If he is just having problems settling in then things may seem a lot brighter if he just gives it a few more months.

floss2

fernliebee wrote: »

...If he does his best to catch up and passes the year then it would be great, alternatively if he just agrees to stay on and do his best then he has more options. Firstly, even if he fails then he can re-take the whole year, and this will still count as study time so he will not have to pay loan back now, rather it will be added on to total student loan which will be payable at the end of his course....

You need to check out the Student Finance website to see what the options are for funding a second year of study.

lostinrates wrote: »

....Finally, its worth mentioning drugs and alcohol. A lot of students whose parents are sure are just not with it are finding themselves unable to guage their own limits of ''extra curricular substances''. I have a lot of friends whose parents are very grateful their children are not among those: while I know they are, or were when we were at university. I don't really know as a parent how you can ascertain whether or not this is an issue. I know friends who have been asked have denied it and convinced their families......

Your son needs to be honest with you if you are being expected to support him through this whether emotionally or financially.

Pee wrote: »

Even if he hasn't attended a lecture or a tutorial from September to now and not bought a book yet, I am sure that he can catch up, especially with Christmas coming. The first year is usually not very important - it's a matter of passing and getting through to the next stage. Suddenly having freedom at 18 can be a difficult concept. I really think speaking to his tutors would be the best step.....

He may well fail his first semester exams, but he should be able to retake them if he stays on.

I second all the advice to contact his personal tutor - he won't be the first or the last to be in this situation.

From personal experience, it is slightly easier to change course within or at the end of the first year - leave it any longer & it will cost to pay for fees & accomodation / living expenses, as loans & grants are generally not offered for repeating any year of study unless you have extenuating circumstances such as illness or close family bereavement.

As I said, he needs to be honest with you & you all may need to accept that uni may not be for him at this time in his life. My elder son has done so, 2 x 2 years of different degree courses (self funding for 2 of those years) and now working - after 10 months on the dole.

belfastgirl23

I think he needs to step back a bit - by the sounds of it he's in a blind panic and that's no place to make a decision about his future. Could you tell him to hold off on dropping out till after Christmas - hopefully over the break he will catch up with old friends and get a chance to put everything in perspective. or if he is going to do something, he should get in touch with his personal tutor as the others have said.

What's your son's discipline? If it's arts or social sciences he can probably catch up ok, sciences might be tougher. If it's medicine he's really in trouble

The important thing to remember is that unis are measured partly on their dropout rates and they will want to do everything possible to keep your son there, for their own sake as much as his. You should tell him this, it might give him the confidence to see his tutor.

RadoJo

OP - obviously you will have to be lead by what your son wants/decides, and obviously that might be that he wants to stay, but if he decides it's not for him then I'll just share this in case it offers any consolation to you:
My husband started university, realised at about the same point as your son is at now that it wasn't for him, and dropped out. I went to university, really enjoyed it and graduated with a 2:1. My husband now works from home and can earn about the same in a week as I earn in a month (and I'm by no means unhappy with my earnings!).
I know that it's easy to focus on how many jobs need a degree, but there really are plenty where you don't, and high paying ones at that. Many jobs will offer on-the-job training for a candidate who shows willingness to learn and enthusiasm. My job is nothing to do with my degree, and everything that has allowed me to progress to the level I am I have learnt either on the job or through training which has been provided by the company I work for, and that's far from unusual in the sector I work in. With so many people doing degrees now, a lot of employers prefer practical experience and a little nouse and sense to a string of qualifications from someone who's never actually done the job.

I'm sure your son will work out what he wants and make the best of it, particularly with your involvement and support, and if it's not university then so be it, but don't be trapped into a mindset where anything that doesn't involve a degree will be a failure as he does have plenty of other options which could prove just as fulfilling in the long term. Good luck and (even though it's pointless to say!) try not to worry too much.

Primrose

I think your son is starting to find out what life is like in the real world, probably after having been shielded and heavily protected from life's tough realities by you and your husband. You can't protect him indefinitely and it wouldn't do him any good if you did because you'll only be delaying the time when he has to face up to realities. Give him the support he needs to go and talk to his tutor and to do whatever is necessary to make up the lost time and work. Tell him that he has the Christmas vacation coming up, and it's early enough in his course to make things good and make up for lost time. But HE has to do it and make the effort. He's an adult now, and needs to be encouraged to act like one. I know this must be a terrible disappointment to you but how he picks himself up and deals with this setback will mark his character and how he learns to face other difficulties in his life, so he does need to understand that his childhood is now over and how he deals with this situation could change the direction of his life going forward. Your son is probably still a little in denial but it's better that this crisis has come sooner rather than later. It can still be sorted if he has the determination and courage to grasp the nettle.

sabretoothtigger

Doesnt sound like a problem to me so long as he has a better prospect going for him. Plenty of sucessfull people dropped out of college, bill gates was one.
Best thing to turn him around over xmas holidays would be to get a temporary job, by the end he might realise uni is the easier alternative after all or maybe he'll just be happier working

jillymit

Thank you everyone, some really good advice. I will try and answer everyone in one go.:D
He has emailed his tutor, has had a reply and will meet with him this week.At least once he's done that he will know where he stands.
He has emailed me saying he know's I'm right about trying to catch up and he'll keep me posted. :T
I haven't rung him tonight, I agree it's something he needs to sort out for himself.
He's studying Computer Science and previously did a BTEC 3 at college with x3 distinctions.
He says the work is not to hard and he likes the uni which is about a two and a half hour drive away.
He has made friends within his halls but doesn't know anyone on his course well. He has admitted that he has got himself in this mess by simply not putting the effort in and by the time he has realised how much work he has to do to catch up he's feeling totally overwhelmed by it.

I admit he has been quite sheltered here at home and been quite a loner, he hadn't had a pint until he arrived a uni! I must admit I was quite pleased when he seemed to be settling in really well going out with friend and enjoying University life. I didn't realise that was all he was doing!

He's never been very disciplined and has been lucky enough to be able to just wing it on occasion in the past, It looks like it has finally caught up with him.

I totally agree with the 'Uni's not for everyone' view point but he has little or no prospects of getting a decent job at the moment, he has no experience in the workplace and doesn't drive. He picked the course he's on because it has a third year in industry and then a final year back at uni so at least he'd have a bit of experience under his belt when he left to find work.

I know I'm bias but he's really not a waster, he's a bright lad who's a bit on the lazy side. At the moment he feels he's blown it and cocked up his entire life and would like to just turn the clocks back. He's not even 19 until next July! :eek:
Sorry about the long update, you lot are great :beer:.
I will be back to bore you all some more when I have any news.

BitterAndTwisted

Aw, he hasn't cocked up anything yet, he's just starting a tiny bit later than others on his course but if he's a bright lad and can see that he's wasted a couple of weeks, he'll be caught up in no time at all. Actually enjoying being away from home and making new chums is often the hardest part for some first-year students and he appears to have that cracked, so that's just great. I'm sure he's going to be absolutely fine

downcdebt

I can understand how you are upset and dissapointed at him leaving. However, it may not be all bad. I went off to uni many years ago and left at the beginning of the second term. I hated it. Totally hated it. If I had tried to carry on I am convinced that all that would have happened would have been me unhappy dragging myself through until finally throwing in the towel before qualification. Then I would have wasted 2- 3 years and for nothing.

I left, took the remainder of the year out and then went back to a different university where I stuck at it and graduated with a good degree.

I think the main thing is to make sure that a) he really can't catch up and it would be best to leave and if it is b) do something constructive until he can go again (if he wants) and c) look at why he ended up in this situation and what he can learn from it and how he can try and stop it from happening again.

As much as you want to, dont shout at him. My dad did that to me (had no effect except I got upset). If all his friends are doing well at Uni he is already probabaly feeling really carp already!!