so disappointed...

jillymit

To cut a long story as short as I can it looks like my son is going to throw in the towel on his university course.
He only started at the end of September but has got himself so far behind and missed so much he feels unable to catch up and cope with the new work as it comes along.
He says he just wants to start again and get it right this time. I don't know how he thinks that's likely to happen?
All this is his own fault (too much play and not enough work) and although it's tempting to scream and shout at him it's not going to help anyone.
I've advised him to seek help from his tutors as I'm sure he's not the first and won't be the last.
Now for the money bit....He took a student loan out for fees and maintenance, he's had the first installment and signed up for his room for the year, there's no way we could help him pay this back or afford the room without the loan money. Anyone have any idea how it might work?

I'm so disappointed, I was so proud and he's muffed it up already. He doesn't even have the strength to try and put things right! sorry to moan on here but DH will go potty when it finally hits the fan and I'm worrying about the finances........

gorgeouslatinrose

Hi there,
Im a university student so can understand why you would be frustrated.
Is he in halls or is he in a house? If he is in halls, I am pretty sure as long as he notifies them he is not obliged to pay for the full year of accomadation, just the amount he stays there. Student loan wise, he must notify them if this is really what he wants to do, and will just have to pay it back to the same standard if he had compleated his degree, depending on how much he earns, if and when he gets a job.
However on whether he stays or goes. Lots of people get into the same situation as him in there first term, i know many people who fail all their modules, and have to retake. The universitys are happy for students to do this as long as they put the work in after, your first year does not count towards your degree unless you are having a placement year, your main thing is to pass it and he still has plenty of time to do that. Is he happy at this university and on his course, is this where he wants to stay , or his the course getting him down? Maybe speak to him about this first. Starting a brand new year on the same subject at the same place is not really going to help that much, as he may just go down the same road again, but if the course and uni are the problem this may be a good choice to leave and start again but only if this is the issue. I would really reccommend him talking to those at his student support service, they are amazing and will talk through all the issues, offering him advice and show him whether leaving is what he wants, and what he can do about his work. Talking to his tutors will also help, but they may be busy and not as easy to get hold of. If it helps you, you could ring up the support service yourself as they will probably give you advice, as well as your son as to how to go about it.
Sorry for ramberling, good luck and let us know how it goes. Leaving university and starting again can sometimes be a good thing, if for the right reasons.

zzzLazyDaisy

It happens. Some youngsters get overwhelmed by being away from home, having to be completely self motivated and disciplined, yet having the opportunity for a social life that they probably never had at home. Studying sometimes appears to be a bit of a marginal issue (I was a mature student and saw it all at close hand!)

My nephew failed the first year of his degree - too much partying at night and sleeping all day - he'd always been able to wing it on exams and it was a HUGE wake up call. He was told in no uncertain terms that he could resit the first year but if he failed after that he was out. I won't say that he became a model student, but he has just passed his maths degree with a 2:1 so he must have been doing something right!

If he really wants to continue but doesn't know how, there is help for him. But if he feels he has made a mistake and just can't cope, he'll be better off getting a job and some maturity. I know there aren't many jobs around, but he'll just have to be prepared to take what he can get, and learn that what the grown up world of working every day is like. Hopefully he will then go back to uni next year with a better idea of what he wants to do, and more likely to knuckle down.

When I was at uni, I was told that on average 10% of students will drop out before their final exams. If he is going to drop out, better now than doing three years and then dropping out the week before the final exams, as my friend's son did.

I know you feel disappointed, but he is right at the beginning of his life, and he'll make many more mistakes before he's done.

jillymit

Thank you for you kind words and advice. He's in halls on campus but self catering. I have tried to point him in the direction of the student support adviser but he's just so upset at the moment as he's kept it to himself up to now. It's hard to get through.
He seems to want to turn the clock back and keeps saying he wants to "start again."
I really think he could sort it all out he's got the whole of Christmas coming up but I know he's going to have to do it for himself. He says he's sick of playing catch up and I'm trying to point out that at least that's better than trying to find a decent full time job at the moment.

Letting him get on with it is so hard, that's probably the problem, he's always had me pushing him and done the bare minimum it's finally caught up with him.

I'm rambling now so had better get some sleep got to be up at 6 for work.
Will keep you updated as to what happens good or bad as I hate when you get left wondering..... thanks again.:o

BitterAndTwisted

My nephew was in exactly the same head-space a few weeks ago: he was finding the transition from A-Level studies to Uni very difficult indeed. He was afraid he was getting behind only weeks into the first term. The family advised him to speak to Student Services and make an appointment with his tutor to explain his fears and both advised him not to worry which he found not terribly helpful as what he thought he needed was practical guidance about how to sort his lecture notes and whatnot. I suggested he get onto the Uni's intranet site and find out whether other students on the same course might be interested in joining a study group. He's now settling in and getting to grips with his course, thank the Lord.

I think your boy should try and stick it out for the first year at the very least. It's entirely possible that he may get into the swing of things. Also, he's made a commitment and really should be encouraged to see it through, rather than thinking he's already failed and running away like a young child. Uni's going to be a whole lot more interesting and more fun than loafing abut at home. Studying, or even larking about mot doing any work will be a whole world better than trying to get into the job-market in the current economic climate. He'd be lucky to get a job stacking shelves in Sainsbury's for the next couple of years

jillymit

Thanks LazyDaisy,
I think we cross posted. Yes I agree better to muff it up now than near the end.
I'm hoping he will give it another go, get some advice and knuckle down but if he decides to give it up there's nothing much I can do about it I just don't want to see him chuck it all away without a fight I suppose.
I'll keep you posted.

zzzLazyDaisy

Hopefully he'll sort himself out and go on to enjoy his university career. You'd be amazed how many youngsters have a crisis like this in the first term.

Fingers crossed it works out - and do keep us posted.

NOW GO TO BED

jillymit

(QUOTE) I think your boy should try and stick it out for the first year at the very least. It's entirely possible that he may get into the swing of things. Also, he's made a commitment and really should be encouraged to see it through, rather than thinking he's already failed and running away like a young child. Uni's going to be a whole lot more interesting and more fun than loafing abut at home. Studying, or even larking about mot doing any work will be a whole world better than trying to get into the job-market in the current economic climate. He'd be lucky to get a job stacking shelves in Sainsbury's for the next couple of years[/QUOTE]

I couldn't agree more B&T unfortunately the 'boy' is now a man (just) and will make his own mistakes no matter what I think.
Loafing about at home is definitely not an option. Both me and DH work hard and if he chooses to return home he will be expected to do the same.

jillymit

Right I really have to go to bed now.
Thank you all. I will update as I go along.
Jilly.

BitterAndTwisted

You could consider what my nephew's parents were thinking of : that is, to try and contact some graduates in the same discipline your son is studying and arrange some tuition during the Christmas break. This might help your son to feel that he's catching up and to learn how best to arrange his studies. Not all of us learn in the same way so different strategies are required and it might give his confidence a boost. I doubt he was offered a place if the selections bods didn't believe he was capable of completing the degree course successfully.

I know you can't force your son to continue at Uni if he's really made his mind up but to quit after only one term is a tiny bit premature: hardly any students have got into their strides either, although a lot might give the impression that they have. I'd lay money on the fact that a lot of the other young people on his course are feeling exactly the same as he.

It's a crisis of confidence not one of competence

gettingready

Absolutely - go to bed NOW or you will have no energy to deal with the young man daytime

My daughter is doing the first year now and I really feel for you *HUGS*

My daughter did not get where she wanted to go (Cantenburry) and I am sure you know what a nightmare UCAS was this year so I was over the moon when she got a place at Uni.

It is local so she lives at home - she wanted to go away of course so I went to hell and back with her mood swings etc. Also went through "I do not want the Uni any more" etc etc

Asked her what she thinks her options are - she never worked, wouldn't have a clue how to look for a job (yes, I know, my fault for doing all for her for 19 years). The alternative to Uni would be a night shift stacking shelves in Ada at the age of 19 and no possibility to travel as she does between here and her boyfriend (abroad) every few weeks.

She has calmed down (a bit) but we have other issues - she took student loan, overdraft, credid card and all is full to the limits now.

Anyway - does your son know that first year grades do not really count as such towards the "ranking of a degree" as such? As long as he passes he will be fine.

I know he wants to drop out but I would do everything in my power to make him stick it out - don't you just wish sometimes they are still little and you can just wak them to/from school?

All the best