anxious MicheH's undischarged diary.. trying to rebuild in every sense of the word

confused76

hi mich
that's lovely to hear... you're going to have such a nice christmas!!

i have to admit, the last 5 years i have dreaded christmas, and haven't relaxed until new year. this year i can say i'm looking forward to christmas day spending time with my OH and family. we're not really 'doing' presents this year, so haven't been running around shopping (except for the kids in my family) so maybe that's why i'm calmer. or maybe this year it's just about being with the people i care about.

have a good day mich

MicheH

After New Year I made the conscious decision not to write in my diary any more as I was feeling really good. I felt right over bankruptcy, all last year, filed away in 2009. I'm so annoyed that I have to write in it today but I have to because i've got all these frustrations racing around in my head and have to let them out.

School, snow, no car, have to walk and get bus. Got toddler who can't walk in snow/ice and darn't carry her because I worry if we should slip. Amy has missed many a day off school because of the weather.

Yesterday, decided to take DH to work so I would have car for school run (whole host of problems connected with that but not bore you) Main one is we got a flat tyre. DH changed it but that tyre needs replacing now. He's called and had to pay £75 for a replacement this morning. Already a tough month as had to use January's pay DH received 22nd December to top up what we'd used for failed MOT, now this, now we're really on the bread line with nothing left in car fund at all.

Thought I could top the car fund up with council tax free months but we don't get it as we moved inbetween months plus missed the cut off point for setting DD's up meaning we had to continue these months.

Tried to get accidental cover for home insurance for a bit peace of mind. Our insurers are taking us for a ride at £42 a month with accidental cover so have to just pay £14 for basic cover. Tried Coop, so impressed but they want lump sum payment as didn't pass the credit check. Have not got the payment so all as it is.

Really want breakdown cover as worried I could have been driving yesterday with the girls in the car and been at a complete loss at changing the flat tyre. The quotes are steep but I guess that's because i'm trying to get covered for every eventuality, I worry. Saw you can pay by installments but I guess as a BR I couldn't.

So now I have so many 'pot's that need regular money putting in them. car tax, mot and serviceing, home emergencies, my savings for my own car, lump sum for breakdown cover and home insurances. Everything has been cleared out and i'm struggling to see how we are going to manage to top up each pot to be honest. I know when paid next month i'll feel better at having something to put in the pots again but it's not much especially as the clutch is on it's way out (struggles to pull away in first on steep inclines) and battery splutters at times.

I just worry that all the emergency funds have been cleared, we've nothing now - really missing the security of the credit card and I know it's wrong to think like that, I so know. And other emergencies such as accidental cover or breakdown cover to help me calm down or even the lack of being able to have life cover till discharged has got me wound up so tightly I feel I'm going to burst.

I'm trying to get my mind on track, i'm trying to get my worries but to bed, I'm off the contrceptive pill because it's thought to add to anxiety, i'm on multivits, and other suppliments, i'm improving my diet and itching to exercise when the snow goes. I want to be happy and healthy but sometimes my worries are too consuming and there's no way to avoid them because they're all contected to the problems due to bankruptcy.

So it seems that although I have finally managed to put the whole sorry bankruptcy mess away and move on, the after effects are still there to haunt me and trip my progress up.

I need a plan of action:
*play with girls, that will help calm me down
*Going to raid recycling for 'pot's label them so physically can see the money going where, not just a budget in account that doesn't get touched.
*Going to budget next months money extremely strictly.. menu plan and shopping list with the help of DFW and old style

I hate myself when i'm like this but i have no control over it. Any advice any one has for helping control anxiety or to calm down would be great, I really want to control this myself, having anxiety on a person's medical file doesn't look good for a prospective Midwife does it especially as I know why i'm like this. It's about keeping my family safe that's all. Lost my dad when I was little and just want to make sure every thing is ok and everything is safe.

Bethankim

sweetie, breathe make a cuppa and re-read what you have written. your doing well
ok one very good way at breaking down anxieties and how to deal with them.

het a large piece of paper and write down the toughts you have racing around in your head. - do this on one side...
ok now on the other side write down what is the worst that can happen - can you influence it?
can you change it?
does the power lie with someone else?

when you have answered each question - you know what is driving this..
soon another piece of paper write down what being safe means
again can you influence it?
can you change it? does the power lie with someone else?

for example
safe to me means having somehwere to live.

do i have that now?
yes
is i secure?
yes
what would change that?
no pay the rent?
is that likely?
no
so do i need to use energy to worry about it?
no

and go on like that, you will begin to see the things you can change, the things that arnt in your power to change.

hope that makes soem kind of sense, its about perspecitve, your doing brilliantly

hugs
B
x

ps sorry for typing - bad pain day

peppa-pig

Sorry you are having a tough time Mich. I still have days like that now and feel like my head is gonna blow. I just wanna run away somewhere and hide which obviously I can't with 2 little ones.

If you need help then go to the docs and ask for it. I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing to have on your file and I wouldn't worry about it effecting you being a midwife. If anything it would make you more sympathetic to prospective/new mums and be able to empathise with them better and help offer advice if needed as you can relate to how they feel yourself.

You have been through a lot and you still are going through a lot. BR is not an easy journey and some days are better than others. It's a grieving process in a way and I for one am so good at being too hard on myself and crucifying myself over every little thing that has and does go wrong.

i too write things down and it does help. so keep at it.

Chin up love and enjoy your children, forget about the empty pots coz they will be full again soon. Life is sent to try us but we are strong and can cope with whatever !!!!!! is thrown our way.

xxx

confused76

hi mich first of all big hugs to you xxx

you have done so well, please don't beat yourself up
i know it's frightening sometimes, especially when a big bill comes in and clears you out.

beth and peppa have given you such good advice anything i say will pale in comparison, but you know where i am if you need a chat, and i totally understand what you are feeling

if the anxiety is getting too much, go and have a chat with your gp
i really can't see how this will affect you being a midwife. it is better you get it under control now than leaving it
if i were you i would take a trip to the gp

it might seem ages to payday, but it is only around the corner

go and do something nice with the kids and forget about money for a while

hugs xxx

Angiepange

Miche

I know exactly how you feel about nothing left in your 'money pots'. I did the same thing after our BR and had envelopes with little amounts of cash put aside for all the insurances, car stuff, kids bus fares etc. I thought I was doing quite well until the heating broke down in November and well, fixing it wiped everything out. I just cried and cried. So now instead of trying to portion it all out I am just making sure if there is anything left over in a month I transfer it all into my Nationwide cashminder account which was luckily not closed after BR. Then whatever comes up first to pay the money will be there, hopefully !! I was getting myself in a panic trying to fill all the envelopes and felt overwhelmed by how much I was trying to save for.

My DH just tells me not to keep worrying about it and if one week we need to pay out on something unexpected, well we can survive on beans on toast and not buy a weekly shop! I wish I had his outlook sometimes!!

There has been some great advice from others here about how to chill and calm down, I really hope you can feel more positive and not worry so much. I love Beths advice about writing your anxieties down and what you can do to change them and think I will give it a try too, im a control freak so admitting I cant control everything and dont need to will probably help me deal with the stresses of BR.

Take care you

Angie xx

MicheH

Hello everyone. It has been some time eh? Well I popped on last week but it left a funny feeling in my mouth I decided to quit the BR board and other BR forums as I didn't want the constant daily reminder of bankruptcy. I guess I was just going through another phase in trying to cope with all of this. I logged on last week, spoke to auld mucker Phil and Siz, felt great but that left me with feelings of guilt because I hadn't contact my girlfriends or the lovely blokee oracles that have helped me through all of this. Yip, felt very ashamed that I had not been a very good friend.

I have been on MSE as another user frequenting green living, veg growing, shabby chic renovating scratty old furniture etc bu avoiding BR like the plague. Last night as the other user I wrote a msg in discussion time (yeah, get me!) and was thanked by confused76, I don't know if you knew it was me conf but I got a massive shock. My friend read a post by my and thanked me and didn't know it was me That's not good, I felt very underhand without meaning to. The reason I set up another username was so nobody could look at my back posts and bring up the bankruptcy as the whole idea was about me moving on with my new respectible life. I didn't mean to be cloak and dagger. So that's one reason why I am here this morning but I've another to explain.

Many of you will probably not be surprised that this next thing has happened given my state of mind and how anxious I have become. Well Monday I was walking to school to pick DD up with DD in the pushchair, I was walking downhill so not challenging in the slightest. My chest became tight and i struggled with my breathing. I got to school and tried to contain my breathing without the parents seeing, I picked DD up and got out of there. I was worried how I was going to walk the girls back up that steep hill. Somehow I managed, slowly but the pain in my chest was getting worse and I was starting to panic about my breathing. So pleased to get home I called NHSdirect who sent a paramedic a to my home. All this happened so fast, I was so scared I had the girls on my own, trying not to worry them but really scared incase I passed out and they were on their own. The paramedic arrived quite quickly with my girls hiding, who was this man coming into our house in green with this bigmachine. I hadn't prepared them at all, the little one hanging on to my hand the eldest hiding in the cupboard. Felt so bad for her but was not in a position to help her. The paramedic coaxed her out by asking if she could stick these sticky pads on me, well that was it she was doctor so she was fine.. and the little one was pointing out mammies 'b00bies' oh it was pleasant. The ECG was fine, he did a 12 lead just to make absolutely sure, yip fine. My blood pressure and heart rate was a different story, it was borderline dangerous apparently. He stayed for ages, chatting, measuring and calming me down till it started to subside. Still high he said that I should get it checked out at either out of hours or doctors tomorrow as it's not life threatening and doesn't require A&E but there is something wrong. Still scared I got an appointment at the doctors the next morning, BP still high and heart rate beating at 112 per minute. Not good. He talked to me about the pain when breathing, how it started etc. He asked how I was feeling in general and I broke down, I was scared, live my life scared and worried all the time, asked had anything happened that was major, well that was it as soon as I told him about losing the house he smiled. He thought what I had had was a panic attack. He said that I had been so busy trying to sort everything out over the time that my mind was acive and busy, now everything was plodding along I've nothing to sort so i'm worrying about everything... effectively BR and repo has just hit my out of the blue. He said had I known what was happening I probably could have controlled it so it didn't get so bad. He's given me relaxation technigues to try out in preparation for it happening again so feel somewhat prepared but i'm in shock really. I'm 30. I'm a mum of two young girls. I've let this happen to me. I thought I was doing myself a favour in putting of this behind me but what i've done instead is completely emptied my self of BR and ignored it but because of that I given myself uncertainty, more worry and have to face up to it. I cannot yet move on from bankruptcy because I'm still very much bankrupt. So this is why i'm here, facing upto my bankruptcy instead of trying to forget about it until my time is up.

I'm absolutely fine but it has given me a wake up call to really make a strive to get healthy and lose even more weight. I'm not too far from the 11 stone mark so doing well.Would love to join a gym or even just weighwatchers but yip you guessed it, costs money and we need it for other uses. Speaking of which, I have decided to apply to become a childminder again. The process will take a long time... it was 6 months the last time I did it so i'll not be in the position to mind till after AD. I've 11 weeks to go, thats all now.

I've been picking up old wooden furniture and renovating it, I got a chest for 50p and a farmhouse chair for 99p local pick ups, my bedroom is nearly finished now. Just got the finsihing touches to do on the chair for the bay window. I'm decoraing my house as cheapily as possible. Still a long way to go though.

I freecycled a sewing machine so doing well with window dressings in preparation for the winter, plenty of fleecy linings for my curtains. Last winter this house was freezing. I'm enjoying making craft items out of free samples I order (naughty I know!) Also I've taken up knitting, I'm hopeless but I like it to just relax, i don't make clothes but nifty little wollen flowers and bags. The girls like them. Would love to get that bit better to make one for myself.

My tomato and strawberry plants are doing well and hoping for some red currents too. We've set up a wormery too, it's cool. I love being outdoors with my little one during the day, plenty to do.

My Open University work is fab. I've grades of 100% for my computer marked assignments (multiple choice... not that impressive!) and an 82% and 89% for my two assignments. I've one submitted for marking and should get those results next week. I've to do a human biology course when this finishes but unfortunaly it looks like I have to redo my GCSE Science. I got good grade in maths and english but not science. It's ok as i can apply for uni untill DD2 goes to school so still time to fit it all in.

I said our AD is in 11 weeks. We'll be on our holidays when it happens. We thought to just be away at that time. It was DD2 first birthday the day after we went BR, it's an awful time of year for us, too many horrible memories and feelings of guilt and just want to be away to give DD a really good second birthday and lay all this to rest without getting stressed. We're going to Shropshire, DH likes fishing so we're right next to the River Severn. Nothing too extravigant, just a pine lodge but it will be very appreciated week away with the girls. the right thing to do for us.

So all in all I have nothing to worry about or moan about but typical of me I still do. You can't hide from bankruptcy, it's best to just face up to it. I was doing it for my own good which turned out to be the absolute wrong thing to do but we live and learn. I am sorry for not being a good shoulder to lean on and ignoring my friends. I just hope you can see why I did it.I felt bad whenever I was on facebook and you all popped up on a daily basis. Just tried to distance myself from all the things that reminded me of bankruptcy I guess.

alastairq

Hi MicheH..

nice to 'see' you again.

Facing up to BR....or making the best of it? What to do?

I PM'd you about a sewing machine.....I live a bit too far out to take full advantage of our local Freecycle....and there isn't anything I think I want at present.

I'm glad you caught the health issue early on...not dealt with, it could have become a bigger issue...but you have just shown how stresses and worries can actually physically affect the body....I hope you really are feeling better?

My AD has just passed...a bit of a whimper really.....although the car threw a wobbler!

As a thought, regarding confronting BR, old age, or whatever....I have noticed how little time I spent actually thinking of BR.....once or twice my BR hot me whilst engaged in normal discussions with others.....hit me as in, biting my tongue when my BR would have been a valid point.

I found that normal day-to-day business got in the way........BR really doesn't impinge upon normal life quite as much as I imagined it would at first. [maybe as a society we assume we rely on credit more than we actually do?]

What I admire about your life is the way you have got things together..the small things that make up the huge whole, so to speak.

I struggle with the motivation to get on and do........I go to work, I see S&H, I go home, eat, get warm, got to sleep.....an endless cycle.....I have the option of popping into the local pub

.....yet rarely do so.....can't be bothered syndrome strikes.....I used to blame my work, and the fact I put so much of myself into it..but that is a lame excuse at best...given that my past life has demonstrated acute motivation!

So now I blame my aches and pains...old age [ha]..... mañana!

I hate to plan ahead..it's all too much effort....

Maybe its the BR effect?

Doucam

Fab post again Miche - I seem to say that a lot don't I?

Very open and honest about your feelings, and so spot on as well about the hiding it, not thinking about it and so on.. Alastair as well has touched on this, the BR effect?

My parents keep telling me how well I am doing, coping, but you know what I'm not, at all.

I keep feeling very close to tears, the can't be bothered to do anything that Alastair mentions, I get that too, sometimes I come in and spend the whole day on the laptop, other days I am like a whirlwind, rushing round doing things.

I had a horrid dream the other day, that all the Mum's at the school had found out about BR, and when I got there they were all whispering and pointing at me, and stopped their children from playing with mine So it is always there in the back of the mind.

Hope you are feeling better now though, that must have been very scary, and I hope you have a lovely time away, you certainly deserve it xx

So_Sad_Angel

Hi Mich Hun.

Firstly I am glad you are OK. I suffer from panic attacks too & I so recognise the symptoms but its truly frightening when it first happens. You did the right the thing in calling NHS & I would suggest that chat to your GP too.

Since my BR in April I too have kept a low profile....mostly because this process has drained me physically & more deeply emotionally that I ever imagined. I still feel I have failed & like you I feel I have to make up for it by throwing myself into work, exercise, allotment, family, creativity...you name it I just cram as much into my day as I can!! That is a good thing but it takes alot of energy & the stuff that you `think` you are coping with can often rear up in the form of a panic attack as you have just had.

A good thing this board does is allow you to release that energy & confront it on the `page`. It is necessary & I have a feeling that when AD arrives that will bring you a greater sense of `closure` as it has for so many others.

I am here, next door or on FB if you ever need a chat Honey.....

Angiexx