anxious MicheH's undischarged diary.. trying to rebuild in every sense of the word

MicheH

I'm tired. I know this because my right eye is twitching. Here's the thing though, through all the nightmare times of debt and inability to pay it, I always had 8 hours sleep every night. Always. Now 4 months into undischarged-dom I'm increasingly unable to sleep. It's getting me down, it's making getting through the days difficult and not doing anything at all for my 30 year old crows feet.

What can be wrong? I have always used the board to type down my post BR feelings and found it helped me to air my dirty washing in publc. Many of you know more about me than my own mam! This is why I thought (for purely selfish reasons!) I'd type my feeling about life as an undischarged bankrupt on a thread here. I do hope no one minds, I just think I need to do it for my own sanity.. try to offload.

So what's on my mind? I really don't know. I'm not particulary worried or bothered about anything. Maybe that's the problem! I'm always worrying. Grrrr.. twitch twich blummin' eye!

Tomorrow I plan to do a slow cooker chicken casserole. I'm trying my very best to push myself into thinking I can cook, trying to use recipes as a way of saving money and to be honest I have made a fortnights meal planner and bought 2 weeks worth of ingredients for a rather nice sum, less than my normal shopping anyway. Ijust hope i'm up to scratch and have no disasters. I've noticed my little one has lost a little weight which is worrying, need to feed her up with some home cooked food.

My diary will be full of drivvel about my confidence, self esteem and battles with my anxiety too, I can't promise it will be interesting mind. I have changed as a person through BR but i'm missing something somewhere. I've gone from being Miss Prim to Miss Thrift and although I'm embracing it, loving it infact, i'm struggling to accept me. I can't explain it but there's something miserable inside me and I fear it has something to do with losing the 'material' or the 'I'm doing very well for myself, see?' possessions. Yes pride comes before a fall but in that fall i'm scrabbling about trying to put everything in my hand bag, do I bring that hand bag with me or put it in the boot of the new Yaris as I hand back the keys?.. ooh i'm c-rap at analogies! :rotfl:

fermi

Hi.

I look forward to reading.

DrivenAmbition

Hi Mische, I too am restless but I still have the burden of an insolvent business and unmanageable debts to resolve. I definitely empathise with how you are feeling.

A friend of mine was explaining the benefits of Zen Buddhism and how it helped him move away from the notion of outward displays of success/wealth for validation. It's not really a religion, more a philosophy to live by, could be worth exploring .

MicheH

One should not imagine oneself to be one with the eye or
independent of it or the owner of it.
The same with ear and all the other senses, including the mind.
Nor should one imagine oneself to be identical with the world or
contained in it or independent of it or the owner of it.

In this way, free from imaging, one no longer clings to the things
of the world. When one no longer clings, there is no more agitation,
insecurity, and worry. Being no longer worried, one can reach into
the depth of oneself and understand that where there has been lost
there is now fulfillment.


From "Samyutta Nikaya" of the Buddha

Oh my goodness. That's me reading on for the rest of the night DrivenAmbition. Thank you

coolcait

MicheH wrote: »

One should not imagine oneself to be one with the eye or
independent of it or the owner of it.
The same with ear and all the other senses, including the mind.
Nor should one imagine oneself to be identical with the world or
contained in it or independent of it or the owner of it.

In this way, free from imaging, one no longer clings to the things
of the world. When one no longer clings, there is no more agitation,
insecurity, and worry. Being no longer worried, one can reach into
the depth of oneself and understand that where there has been lost
there is now fulfillment.


From "Samyutta Nikaya" of the Buddha

Oh my goodness. That's me reading on for the rest of the night DrivenAmbition. Thank you

That's lovely!

(I wish I could google as quickly as you - I'm still working on the 'Zen Buddhism' bit!).

So_Sad_Angel

Hi Miche....ooooh a lovely shiny new diary:j:j

You are going through a period of change, uncertainty & of learning. Your life is becoming enriched with the memories of what has left your life & also the excitement & uncertainty of what lies ahead.

You know that you can get through this & your `learning curve` has been practically vertical in the last few months.....but you are so much more wiser than you ever were, you have understanding & empathy beyond anything that you had before.

In many, many ways that saying.....`what does`nt kill us will make us stronger` is so very true.....even if when we are going through the hell it may not seem like it.

You are doing so well Sweetheart....this diary is a great idea...get your thoughts down on here & out of your head. Your sleep will return.

Angiexx

confused76

hi MicheH
new diary - excellent idea!
for the record, i think you're doing really well you're a few months ahead of me - i hope i can embrace br in the way you have
you have been through an awful lot, maybe now is like an aftershock? (or is that me talking drivel, it is very early!)
hopefully the new bed will help with your sleep too
until then we're all ears xxx

Holes_in_my_pocket

When in debt i believe you are controlled by others when you go bankrupt you are back in contol and maybe havent been for many years and losing debts makes a big void in life which needs to be filled with something else

Angiepange

Hi Miche

I look forward to reading your diary. We went BR around the same time as you and I have always followed your posts with interest as I can really identify with the emotions you are going through.

I am not coping too well in the BR aftermath and struggle with what feels to me the 'lack of control' in my life now. Feeling answerable to the OR and living with a very uncertain future has left me feeling vulnerable and like a 'naughty' child who has committed the worst sin. I flare up at the slightest suggestion us BR's have taken the easy way out and I find other peoples lack of understanding hurtful (not their fault really, I spose its just the lack of knowledge of what BR is really like for some).

I hope by venting your feelings on this fantastic forum helps you heal in every sense. The support from others here is unbelievable and for me its been somewhat of a lifeline in my darkest moments.

Sending you love and understanding.

Angie x

sizzler

Hi there keep it coming. its good to talk

Regards sizzler

RichesToRags

Miche I think your diary is a great idea and will help alot of people going through the same stuff.

I spent a couple of months after BR constantly waiting for something awful to happen, the silence was deafening. Now I've come to enjoy the silence and long may it last. I had my first really good nights sleep last night! :j

You don't have to look at it as losing your old self (that's what I think your analogy meant, sorry if I'm wrong) you are just growing into your new self. Don't put the handbag and it's contents in the boot, just sew up the hole in the lining (where all the money fell out) and throw in a few new experiences.