Is this unreasonable re maintenance?

whitewing

Such a sad situation for you and your children.

I haven't read many of the posts, but I did want to just say to be careful about making private arrangements. When DS was 2, I made a private arrangement with his Dad so CSA didn't have to get involved. It was under the amount that the calculator specified (I felt guilty as DS was unplanned). Although he has never missed a payment, he also has never increased the payment either in the past 11 years. That annoys me far more than the amount, but I let it go (still feel guilty I guess and he rarely sees DS and never phones or emails him).

GobbledyGook

Not offended or hurt at all Loopy. I'm very grateful for the advice, and also the chance to "talk" it all over with people.

I'm happy with it. It gives the girls and I plenty to be getting on with. I forgot to say while he's not paying towards any rent for us he's going to pay the council tax here so that means that basically the money we get from him will be to live on and have the same lifestyle we had. Can't say fairer than that for now really.

Christmas Day will be strained, but my MIL is wonderful. She's been like a Mum to me and originally she said if we couldn't all be there then she'd have me and the girls and he could go elsewhere lol! I think it'll be great for the girls, and it may be their great-granny's last one as she's very frail and elderly now so I'm happy to go with it.

I'm totally drained. MIL has taken the girls for the night and I've sat with a wee bottle of wine and cried lots of tears. I'm happy that we're financially secure for now and I'm much happier now that he seems to have gained a sense of fairness and perspective.

I'm just so, so gutted that he's thrown us away for something that he can barely even remember. Such a waste.

Thank you again, so much. Gem x

PlayingHardball

Wow, I have to thank GG for her original post. The amount of information and emotion which has come out of it is very helpful, I think several of us have expressed distress at how their ex's have behavled in these circumstances, such as Kingfisher, married 19 years......I also married a long time, was married 21 years, and divorce wasn't final until 25 years, and the man I knew when I was 19 and them man I knew at 41 were not the same person. Money. Enough said.

S*** happens, they change, I guess we change.

The difference between 'them' and us is that as PWC, our kids come first.

I wouldn't change that for the world.

Loopy_Girl

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I'm just so, so gutted that he's thrown us away for something that he can barely even remember. Such a waste.

Kinda sums the whole situation up doesn't it

I know you say you don't have much family and stuff so please come back to us...it doesn't always have to be CSA related for support to be given and if you don't want to do it public then I can hand on heart say that every one of us would be happy to chat PM.

You've got through the first hurdle - well done you! Give yourself a pat on the back and yeah, get the wine down you and the tears. At the end of the day, it's a grieving process (and if you REALLY want to torture yourself then bang on a Celine Dion CD:eek:!!!! Get really into the Bridgit Jones spirit!!!!!!!:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:)

You'll be fine...you know you will but it won't happen overnight and (cliche alert) it will just take time:o (sorry!!)

Your MIL sounds great and it doesn't sound like she is going to stop being a Mum type figure...she's probably clouting her son over the head for being a fool and thinking with his willie and not his head:rotfl::rotfl:

PlayingHardball

GG, he isn't the man you want to spend your life with, if it was that easy to throw what he had away, he should move on. You deserve more, and you will get more. Hang in!

We're here, we've been somewhere similar, maybe not the same, but I would bet we've all got something in common, be strong!!!

zzzLazyDaisy

GG I am so relieved to hear that things went as well as they could under the circumstances, and that you are financially secure and not under and pressure to make decisions until you are ready.

Be willing to let your MIL take some of the strain sometimes, looking after DD's and giving you a bit of a break, I am sure she loves you like a daughter and dotes on your DD's - I speak as the MIL of a wonderful young woman who thankfully has welcomed me in her new life despite remarrying and having more children (who also call me grandma).

And keep posting, there is usually someone around on here xxx

13Kent

Your OH has obviously taken legal advice, so he has obviously looked into what you are entitled to and has the upper hand. I really think for you and your girls sake you should do the same asap - especially now you know there is no way back for your relationship.

I don't want to be cynical, but the fact that he has taken legal advice already makes me worry a bit. You may be happy with the arrangement you have now, and it may be ok in the short term, and if it works ok you might be tempted to leave things as they are and before you know it 6 months or more may have gone by and you still have the same arrangement. But if his state of mind, or circumstances change for any reason (you could have a falling out over something and he could stop paying or anything could happen) then if the arrangement is not legally binding he can just stop paying you, and if you have rent to pay and bills to pay you will be up the proverbial creek!

Despite his seemingly good intentions now to do the right thing you never know what might happen in the future so I would urge you to take legal advice so that your income will be secure.

Christmas will be hard, it is for many people who are not secure in a relationship, but you have two lovely girls - just focus on them and your MIL will help you through it I'm sure.

Good Luck!

zzzLazyDaisy

For what it is worth, GG, I agree with Kent. You have secured your financial well being over christmas, and bought yourself a breathing space - but you really do need to take proper legal advice to secure your future in the longer term.

He has the advantage because he is in possession of the full facts. You only know what he wants you to know, and it won't be the full story.

Please insist that he gives you the money for your council tax and rent, don't let him pay it. Also, please make an application for child tax credits straight away you are entitled to this payment, working or not, and the bank accounts etc are less of an issue as it is highly unlikely that they will take your income over the limit. Did he give you the information about savings and investments registered in your name? As a high earner, he may well have put money into your name to avoid tax - don't be pressurised into signing anything on those accounts until you've taken legal advice.

jennihen

(and if you REALLY want to torture yourself then bang on a Celine Dion CD:eek:!!!![/QUOTE]

Dido :eek: x

GobbledyGook

I hear what everyone is saying. This is only an arrangement to tide us over until the end of January so that we can get through Christmas and #1 daughter's birthday.

He's taken legal advice from the solicitor who has dealt with everything for us, so no expert. He needs him to pull together lots of the bits and pieces to do with the letting places and the likes so I'm happy he's spoken to him (I have as well).

MIL absolutely dotes on my girls and she's always referred to me as the daughter she never had (she had 3 boys) so I'm hopeful with the things she's said so far that things won't change too much between her and me. I realise that'll only go so far if this go badly with him and I, but she's not actually talking to him at the moment for being so stupid.

I dealt with the majority of our day to day finances so I've taken statements from the bank accounts (I still have the internet banking log ins), credit cards and written down all the other assets/isa's etc that I know about and we've committed to sorting them all properly in January.

Thanks again folks.