Is this unreasonable re maintenance?

Sensemaya

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Legal advice - I think we should both get any arrangement look at by someone so that we can both know that we are being fair.You really need two sols for this, otherwise there will be something called a 'Conflict of Interest'.

I'm really, really nervous. Crazy when you think I've known him since I was 4! Reading that has made me very sad. All those years. What is going on in his head? Can you both not work things through?

Try to keep matters out of court. The lawyers only win on that one with their fees.

GobbledyGook

Sesemaya - That's what I meant, sorry I'm not being very clear. I meant we both need to go to our respective someones and get it checked over. Basically I want him to get it confirmed that I'm being more than fair.

I don't know what's going on in his head tbh. It turns out he'd slept with someone else after a weekend away for his mates wedding (the girls had chicken pox so I stayed home with them). The guilt has been chewing him up and this is the result. We might have been able to work through that, but I really don't think I can forgive him for essentially kicking me and the girls out and his attitude since.

It's so hard though because he's been everything to me. I lost my parents very, very young and was brought up by my grandparents. He was my best friend since I was tiny. We went to the same schools, we had the same friends and when he moved for work I went to uni near him. He got a better opportunity back near home so I gave up uni, we moved then got married. He was there when I lost my Grandad and then my Nana. He's been there basically all my life. I've never felt so lonely before, ever.

Anyway my girls are all excited and away to see Santa. It's just them I need to think of now and make sure they have the life they deserve.

freesha

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Sesemaya - That's what I meant, sorry I'm not being very clear. I meant we both need to go to our respective someones and get it checked over. Basically I want him to get it confirmed that I'm being more than fair.

I don't know what's going on in his head tbh. It turns out he'd slept with someone else after a weekend away for his mates wedding (the girls had chicken pox so I stayed home with them). The guilt has been chewing him up and this is the result. We might have been able to work through that, but I really don't think I can forgive him for essentially kicking me and the girls out and his attitude since.

It's so hard though because he's been everything to me. I lost my parents very, very young and was brought up by my grandparents. He was my best friend since I was tiny. We went to the same schools, we had the same friends and when he moved for work I went to uni near him. He got a better opportunity back near home so I gave up uni, we moved then got married. He was there when I lost my Grandad and then my Nana. He's been there basically all my life. I've never felt so lonely before, ever.

Anyway my girls are all excited and away to see Santa. It's just them I need to think of now and make sure they have the life they deserve.

I have no advice sorry, but I just wanted to say how sad this last post of yours made me - what a shame about how things have turned out. I hope you get through this ok, you sound lovely, take good care of your girls and yourself. x

zzzLazyDaisy

If this gets to a divorce you will both have to give full details of all your income and assets (in sole and joint names), including pensions, and will have to swear on oath that the information given is full and correct. You will be entitled to have half his pension pot put into a pension in your own name, although quite often the wife will give that up for a greater share of the matrimonial home and/or other assets.

I agree with the other posters about avoiding court if possible, but that really depends on him. I hope he agrees to make fair and sensible provision for you and his babies, and that he maintains close contact with them. But if he doesn't do right by you and them, you may have to take it to court.

My best friend's high earning husband offered her a one off lump sum of £5k in full and final settlement of his obligations towards their kids (who were still only in primary school!!!) and half the house. She got 80% of the house, and maintenance for herself (plus CSA for the children). He lied on his affidavit and refused to give the court details of his assets. He certainly had shares and investments hidden away but they never got to the bottom of it, despite repeated warnings from the judge. He had to pay all her solicitors and court costs too, because of his behaviour during the court proceedings. They were married 20 years.

I know this is so hard for you for so many reasons, but try and hang in there for your little ones. Get something sorted out financially to get you over christmas, and then concentrate on giving your little ones a happy time xxx

Loopy_Girl

Hmmmm I dunno....maybe it's cos I am an old romantic at heart (don't worry, many people are shocked by it!!) but just maybe GG will come back and say they are going to try and work things through....

He's gave the reason and she did say they might have been able to work through it and granted he's acted like an @rse since but you never know....:kisses3::D

zzzLazyDaisy

Ah, Loopy, lets hope you are right.

My problem with that would be that most men who made a one off stupid mistake that they regretted, would be terrified that the wife would find out and their whole world would be blown apart, and they'd do everything in their power to make sure that doesn't happen.

The fact that he ended the marriage and let (made?) OP leave with his kids suggests that he thinks the grass might be greener on the other side of the marital fence. If so, it won't be long before the bimbo is playing happy families with OP's DDs at the family home.

But I am a cynical old cow and I REALLY hope that you turn out to be right.

13Kent

I can understand that he might feel guilty knowing he has been disloyal, and feels he is not worthy of you or your girls. You might find that this has been such a shock to him to realise what he has got to lose that once he starts thinking straight you can sort things out. But you have to be able to trust him again.

I hope you can patch things up - if you do make sure you are doing it for the right reasons though not because you feel you and your girls would have an easier life with him than without him. - In this world you never know what might be around the next corner - I am a great believer in things happening for a reason!!

You are in a hard place at the moment, and have lots of decisions to make - good luck!

NightNurse

I've read this thread right through and my heart goes out to the OP.

My first thoughts were that £400 is in no way excessive. I earn about 60% of my OH's salary and yet I would've expected more than £400 per week even though my OH does not earn £12k per month, assuming £12k is his net and not his gross??

Having said that, I won't have a 'free' home to go to in the event of a divorce but I would be thinking of my daughters when making the decision about how much to claim from him.

I am happy OP has taken advice, both here and from a professional because when I started reading I did feel she was not fully considering the interests of her girls. OP, had you settled for only what you 'want' and your ex carried on to remarry and have kids who live a fabulous lifestyle while yours simply 'get by' you'd feel incredibly guilty and foolish. Its not about what makes you happy. Its about fighting for the rights of your children and also ensuring they don't feel cheated when they get old enough to understand all that's gone on.

Also, call me cynical but I don't believe for one second that he left because of his 'guilt'. Yeah right. I suppose its a softer explanation than 'I slept with someone else, fell in love with her and had to leave you to start a life with her'. I believe he knows the 'guilt' explanation would be less hurtful.

I wish you all the very best. Please keep us updated. I hope for a good outcome for all of you as I agree a bitter separation with disagreement won't be good for the kids either.

I'd like to add also that your OH might think its excessive because he likely overspends on non-essentials which he may have had to cut down on anyway as the kids grow up, whether he stays with you or not.

GobbledyGook

Well it went ok today. I actually felt like I was talking to the man I knew again.

No chance for a reconciliation, I love him with all my heart, but his reaction was to push me and the girls away and that's not something I will be able to forgive for a very, very long time.

The good thing is he has taken legal advice and knows where he stands. He's also in a much more reasonable mood.

We've agreed on a temporary measure at the moment that he'll give me £300 per week, he'll pay the nursery fees (although he's going to give me the cash) and he'll keep taking (and paying for) our eldest horse riding.

I'm also going to look for somewhere close by more suitable for the girls and I to live. While there's no tenants in the flat he will pay our whole rent then when there is tenants in I'll use that income to pay the rent, but he will top it up.

So all-in-all it went much better than I expected. We've agreed to sit down again on a set date in January after Christmas and our eldest daughter's birthday and sort out all the ins and outs of everything. He's also typed up this agreement and signed it. It's not legally binding, but he's going to ask his solicitor to do a proper copy so that I can know he's committed to it.

We've also sorted out Christmas. My MIL, who is devastated, is desperate for everything to just go ahead as planned (we were all staying at our house Christmas Eve and having dinner there cooked by my chef-esq FIL), but I didn't feel comfortable with that. We're all now having Christmas Day at MIL's so we'll still all be together.

It's not a case that he's going to be having a relationship with the other person. She is married and has told her husband, who is naturally gunning for him. He's spent the time trying to keep it from me and realised what he'd done. For reasons I don't want to go into he knows that because of my father's actions it's actually the lies and hiding that has destroyed us more than a drunken fumble.

Anyway thank you everyone for your help. I will be sorting things out legally and properly in the new year, but fingers crossed we're at least on speaking terms. Thank you Gemma

Loopy_Girl

Thanks for letting us know Gem...hope you weren't hurt/offended by my last post...with the way my life has been this year, I now always look on the bright side as you never know what is round the corner.

Anyway....the financial settlement seems fair (are you happy with it?) and I dunno about you but I feel Christmas Day may be strained but knowing us women, it'll be a pasted smile on the face for the kids sake.:j

How are you feeling? Drained I expect but do you feel more comfy with your financial situation (short term) at least?