Is this unreasonable re maintenance?

Loopy_Girl

jennihen wrote: »

Lets just say, you'd wonder why anyone would be self-employed because when it comes to paying child support some NRP's don't seem to earn enough to break even!!!

How very true!!!:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

zzzLazyDaisy

I am sure you won't want to hear this right now, but you will have to take legal advice at some point. Not immediately - you have far more pressing practical things to consider - but in the new year you certainly need to be thinking about it.

Why? Because you have legal entitlements to a share of any savings and investments, even if they are in his sole name. You have a legal right to a share of his pension. Depending on what equity is in the matrimonial home you may also have a right to a share of that - although the value of your flat will also go into the pot. But the courts will consider the life style your children had before the split and where they lived, and as you are the parent with care, you may well be entitled to more than half of the joint equity, because you are the one who has to provide a home for them.

Don't leave it too long, because I know from experience of very high earners that many move assets around and hide money, then lie on their affidavit (I'm not saying your OH will do that, just that it isn;t unheard of)

Oh, and BTW, don't forget yourself in all of this. Anger and adrenaline will carry you through for a while, so make the most of it and get as much done as you can, because at some point the grief will kick in - and you'll come through that too, but be kind to yourself along the way, you've had an awful lot to cope with in a short space of time.

jennihen

GobbledyGook wrote: »

and just wants to know how much I "want",.

This is like a little red flag to me - I think your ex has said this because he knows you aren't the sort of person to make outrageous demands. He might be playing on your nice nature and being slightly manipulative.
Get some good advice, be strong firm and fair and don't be taken advantage of!

GobbledyGook

I'm going to write a list of the things we'd normally spend money on and show him how much we've been spending on the girls. I'm wondering if part of it is that he doesn't actually realise how much money we spend/spent. He is very used to just being able to buy things and book holidays that perhaps (she says grasping at straws in the hope that he's not changed completely from the man I married) he doesn't realise how expensive our girls are/have been.

I've just had a thought about my flat, if I could be entitled to a portion of any equity of the marital home would he be entitled to half of the flat? If he has a mortgage and I don't could I have to sell this to give him his share? That'd stuff me right up as I'm unlikely to get a mortgage on my own, I've only ever worked part time (I got married at 19) as it was only ever for pin money and independence.

Loopy_Girl

What a nice last paragraph Lazy (well all of it was nice!! but you know what I mean):A:A

GG - it's a rotten time of year for all this to be going on (not that there's ever a 'perfect' time!) but a new year is just round the corner. Try to enjoy Christmas (and lets be honest, with the tots at the age they are it is always magical:D) and then see January as a fresh start.

GobbledyGook

Lazy Daisy - you are right. I'll have to look into it carefully. A friend who is a legal eagle has emailed me tonight to say he wishes he'd known what was going on. He seems to think it would have been likely the girls and I would have been allowed to stay in the house.

There's all sorts of shares and investments, some of which are in joint names and there's a trust fund of some sort for each of the girls. There's also 2 houses he lets out through an agency on buy-to-let mortgages. I really need to know what my name is attached to and what it's not if nothing else.

Maybe I need to be not as nice and think the girls can do without their horse riding and extra stuff when really they should still get them.

I need to think about the schooling of the girls as well. He has always said that the state secondary schools around here are rubbish so the plan has always been state primary then private secondary. Maybe I'm doing the girls a disservice assuming things like that are out of the window now.


Do you know what it is, I've been thinking for the past month that maybe he'll get his head sorted and want us back. Pathetic I know, but we've been married for 8 years this year, together for 10 and I can't quite believe he's walked away from all of that for no real apparent reason.

Loopy_Girl

It's not pathetic - it's natural. It's clearly been a shock and you need time to grieve.

Give your chum details of EVERYTHING and see what they come up with. As far as I know, none of us on here are lawyers and are only speaking from personal experience and offering support but with clearlt alot of money involved then you need professional advice.

Always remember that you are doing this for the girls. When the going gets tough (which it will) you are being the strong one and looking out for their interests.

And finally, never ever stop contact with their Dad even if he is acting like an @rse....at the end of the day he is still their Dad and they need both parents (not that I am suggesting you will but he may start to play dirty and you may get angry at some point)

You're sounding stronger already from your first post!!!

And always remember, when the going gets tough, the single parent heads to the fridge and pours themselve a large one!!!!:beer:

zzzLazyDaisy

GobbledyGook wrote: »

If he has a mortgage and I don't could I have to sell this to give him his share? .

NO

Put that thought out of your head.

It isn't going to happen, not in a million years.

The courts have a legal duty to put the interests of the children first, and that means keeping them, as far as is possible, in the same lifestyle as they enjoyed when their parents were married. This isn't about what is 'yours and his' it is about what the WHOLE joint assets are worth, and what YOU need to look after your children.

Oh, and another thing that he may not like.....

CSA is for maintenance. But in high income families such as yours, where the children have enjoyed horse-riding and a private education (or it is reasonable to expect that they will enjoy these things as they grow up) the cost of horse riding and private school fees doesn't come out of the CSA payment - the court considers those factors separately in the context of the divorce. Also as the mother of two young children who has never worked, he will probably have to pay you spousal maintenance as well, while the children are still young.

No wonder he is asking you to tell him what you want....

Get things sorted as best you can so you have an income, and once you've got that sorted, go and see a solicitor and take it from there.

Oh, and if there is ANY CHANCE AT ALL that he will stop paying maintenance once he knows you are seeking legal advice, then go through the CSA anyway, because the other stuff can take ages and in the meantime you need an income and your children need financial stability.

GobbledyGook

Right think I'll need to speak to someone for proper legal advice.

I'm hoping he's just not thought about stuff rather than deliberately trying to take the proverbial.

He needs to wise up a bit, as do I really. I don't want my girls missing out on the life we planned for them because Daddy has changed his mind.

Ironic isn't it that we spent a lot of money on fertility treatment to have them and now he seems to be grudging them! I want him to sort himself out and see them regular. I lost both of my parents young so I want my girls to have a full time Mum and Dad.

Thank you everyone who has replied for all of your help. My eyes have certainly been opened! Gemma x

zzzLazyDaisy

When you are ready to see a solicitor, ask around for recommendations. Don't use the solicitor who did your conveyancing, or who got your mate's friend off that speeding charge, see a good divorce lawyer who is experienced in high income cases. Probably your legal friend will be able to point you in the right direction.

It doesn't mean you have to start divorce proceedings now, or that you have to take any steps that you don't want to. But you do need to know where you stand.

One other thing - it doesn't matter what you agree to in the short term, you won't be bound by it, as the courts will over-ride any informal agreement if it is not in the best interests of the children, so don't worry about that.

Now go and get some sleep!