telling a partner about my debt

littlesmurf

thank you chirpy chick... haven't been on here for a few weeks. just reading your last reply and it really helps... i can see the frustration in my hubbies face and i understand after what you said that he is still getting his head round the problems. i have now finished a counciling session, as i also realise i had underlying issues as to why i was spending. i'm now feeling positive and we are £7k down £18,500 to go.(i am looking on the bright side)
littlesmurf:T

gabriella90

Hi little smurf,

I wish i could take a leaf out of your book and tell my partner, its awful as we have been together 9 yrs.

I'm finding it harder and harder to do and so want to tell him, he has an idea that i have debt still as he came across a letter on the computer to RBS asking for the interest to be frozen, he asked about and said it sounded like i was in trouble, i brushed it off and he didn't question it again.

I've been on a dmp since February as we are living abroad with his job. I have taken a career break but now have a job here. Because my new salary is only a third of my own he now pays for everything house related.
i now have enough money to pay my dmp and be ok. I am working really hard to save for F&F's and am hoping for a payrise next yr.
We have a 3 yr contract abroad and i would love to go home debt free god willing.

I'm so scared at how he would take it, i don't think he'd help finacially but the emotional support would be good.

xx

eyeopener2

G90

You need to tell him, you really do because if it all comes out , and finding the RBS letter is just the start, then things will be much, much worse. Do you really think you can keep this secret for 3 years? What if one of your creditors CCJ you (which is always a possibility on a DMP), how would you explain that away?

You are addressing your problem so that is a the one thing he will want to hear. He may even have an inklng that there is a problem.

Please tell him, you've confronted your debt head on by taking the DMP route now confront your emotional worries by telling your OH.

I had to tell my wife everything AFTER she started finding out little things. That was awful and nearly split us apart however it WASN@T THE DEBT THAT WAS THE ISSUE, it was the lies and deciet and not trusting her enough to ask for help, advice and support.

After the initial shock and anger he will be fine, it may take a while, but he will come round.

Do it, the sense of relief will be huge.

determined_new_ms

this thread has made me feel so sad. Please everyone tell your partners! Nobody is perfect & everyone makes mistakes, there are a million worse things people could do than get into debt. I would be so sad if my oh was in trouble and didn't feel that he could come to me for help, that's what we've agreed - to be each other's support for life. If he's hurting I want him to tell me so I can help, I would be devasted if I found out he was struggling with something & didn't feel he could come to me, that would be much harder to cope with than some debt no matter how much it was. Remember its not the end of the world & any problem can be resolved x

gabriella90

eyeopener2 wrote: »

G90

You need to tell him, you really do because if it all comes out , and finding the RBS letter is just the start, then things will be much, much worse. Do you really think you can keep this secret for 3 years? What if one of your creditors CCJ you (which is always a possibility on a DMP), how would you explain that away?

You are addressing your problem so that is a the one thing he will want to hear. He may even have an inklng that there is a problem.

Please tell him, you've confronted your debt head on by taking the DMP route now confront your emotional worries by telling your OH.

I had to tell my wife everything AFTER she started finding out little things. That was awful and nearly split us apart however it WASN@T THE DEBT THAT WAS THE ISSUE, it was the lies and deciet and not trusting her enough to ask for help, advice and support.

After the initial shock and anger he will be fine, it may take a while, but he will come round.

Do it, the sense of relief will be huge.

Thank you E2:(

JoS1972

G90

I was in the same position as yourself just over 3 motnhs ago, but after reading one of the threads on here (can't remember which one to be honest) I decided that enough was enough and that I had to tell OH. On my way home (about a 45min drive) I had talked myself out of it so many times that I didn't think I would do it, but when I got home I knew I could no longer do it on my own. To be honest OH was amazing and I know that I have been very lucky with his response. We spent hours that night going through everything, if thats one thing I can recommend is to make sure you have a list of everything you owe.

He has kinda taken over the finances now (which to be honest is fine with me), and I no longer have to hide anything from him, I dreaded coming home to the pile of post everyday and god forbid he ever brought up the word money to me, I would change the subject quicker than a jack rabbit running from a leopard:rotfl:.

I know this sounds strange but I actually enjoy sitting down every week/month (I'm monthly paid OH is weekly) and working out what we're paying, we talk openly about our situation as our DD used to see mummy hiding post from daddy and to be honest I want her to know that to talk about money is a good thing, even when there is no money as such to talk about IYSWIM.

Good luck, trust me in the long run you will feel better.
xx:grouphug: (((HUGS))

gabriella90

JoS1972 wrote: »

G90

I was in the same position as yourself just over 3 motnhs ago, but after reading one of the threads on here (can't remember which one to be honest) I decided that enough was enough and that I had to tell OH. On my way home (about a 45min drive) I had talked myself out of it so many times that I didn't think I would do it, but when I got home I knew I could no longer do it on my own. To be honest OH was amazing and I know that I have been very lucky with his response. We spent hours that night going through everything, if thats one thing I can recommend is to make sure you have a list of everything you owe.

He has kinda taken over the finances now (which to be honest is fine with me), and I no longer have to hide anything from him, I dreaded coming home to the pile of post everyday and god forbid he ever brought up the word money to me, I would change the subject quicker than a jack rabbit running from a leopard:rotfl:.

I know this sounds strange but I actually enjoy sitting down every week/month (I'm monthly paid OH is weekly) and working out what we're paying, we talk openly about our situation as our DD used to see mummy hiding post from daddy and to be honest I want her to know that to talk about money is a good thing, even when there is no money as such to talk about IYSWIM.

Good luck, trust me in the long run you will feel better.
xx:grouphug: (((HUGS))

Thank you i really appreciate you taking the time to read this and reply. I'm getting to the point where i know now it can't go on much longer and i must tell him.
Thank you again this site has been such a help x

katu

I have been reading this thread with great interest (not all the pages yet!!)

My partner does not know about my debts but we don't yet live together or have any joint finances. I have sought advice from CCCS and just waiting for them to process my DMP.

I have tried a few times to tell him but the words get stuck, he doesn't understand people getting into debt which makes me more ashamed and embarrassed about the fact that I am in debt. For me it is also pride, it is my problem and not his. He realises that I don't have a lot of money though just not what I owe.

littlesmurf

g90 have you told him yet ?

please do, i thought i could cope on my own after i sorted my dmp out, but the guilt and worry doesn't go away.I'm not saying its easy. my OH tells me its not the money that bothers him , its the lies to cover it..come clean and then you will sleep at night. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and now my life is getting better. I can let the postman come or the phone ring and my stomach doesn't turn over..... i really feel for you. keep us posted . big hug

littlesmurf

its nearly a year since i told my oh , and life is slowly getting better. over £8000 paid off. still a long way to go but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm going to admit i still get the urge to spend but as i have no cards,extra cash or anything available its not going to happen and to be completely honest i think i can now resist it.i have too much to lose.i'm now getting a thrill at seeing the debt going down. we still have a cpl of tough years but it's sooooo worth it . i wish i 'd have told him sooner and not kept burying my head in the sand. if anyone reading this thread still hasn't told there oh, please be brave.. .. thank you all for the support and feedback when i was at my darkest. xx