Disgusted/Hurt please help

pinkshoes

I think you handled it brilliantly!

Some people think he was just flirting, but I'd say from what you've written, the contents of the dialogue sounds much more like "flirting with intent". It very much sounds like he WANTED something to happen with this girl; perhaps he's much more interested in her than she is in him?

I'm not overly impressed with his "excuse". If I were out and about and going to be late, I would phone. It's natural instinct. If I then realised that my phone battery was dead, I would go home, or phone home if I could remember the land line, or put my sim card in someone elses phone.

When you discuss it later, ask him if he realised that last night he'd accidently called you on his mobile, and you overheard his conversation. Don't say what you heard. If he asks, give him an evil raised eye brow look implying "you know very well what I heard". He'll then think you heard EVERYTHING, and confess whatever it is he has to confess. Most guys in this situation will fess up.

I wish you lots of luck.

x

ps - I don't mean to sound negative. I have been in the position of your OH, saying almost the same things to someone else, and it was not innocent... (I learnt from my mistake)

elljay20

pinkshoes wrote: »

I think you handled it brilliantly!

Some people think he was just flirting, but I'd say from what you've written, the contents of the dialogue sounds much more like "flirting with intent". It very much sounds like he WANTED something to happen with this girl; perhaps he's much more interested in her than she is in him?

I'm not overly impressed with his "excuse". If I were out and about and going to be late, I would phone. It's natural instinct. If I then realised that my phone battery was dead, I would go home, or phone home if I could remember the land line, or put my sim card in someone elses phone.

When you discuss it later, ask him if he realised that last night he'd accidently called you on his mobile, and you overheard his conversation. Don't say what you heard. If he asks, give him an evil raised eye brow look implying "you know very well what I heard". He'll then think you heard EVERYTHING, and confess whatever it is he has to confess. Most guys in this situation will fess up.

I wish you lots of luck.

x

i agree with this approach, but only if you are prepared for the truth, you might get a whole lot more than you bargined for. i hope it goes well for you tonight, it's a horrible situation to be in.

Minimum_Wage_2

Hello Whydoesithappen,
i am sorry to hear about your situation and im sure that when i say it must of hurt doesn't sound as much as it did.
there is always two sides to a story and we all know how our minds can work in these situations and sometimes our minds can see things that are not really there. believe me i am not saying that you have made a mountain out of a mole hill, as we can only go on what you have told us. i haven't read everyone else's posts but i have read all of yours and it is troubling you very deeply.
1, it could well have been just some harmless flirting going on that he knows that he doesn't stand a chance of getting anywhere but just likes to be funny and charming. i have seen males do this sort of thing around females and some of the stuff they say i would never dream of saying it to a friend.
2, he could of just been showing off in front of his mates just saying that he can get on better with her than they can. Just showing off his male ego.
3, If he is this man that you think you've found out then i would have to handed it to the young lady for handling it so well and keeping him at arms length and ignoring some of his comments. i dont know what your relationship is like with your OH but i would be damned if i would end a 25yr marriage over something like that.
May i suggest that when he gets in tonight that you mention that he had called you with his phone and you heard him speaking to a female in a pub and that you realised he had called you by mistake. See what he says then, hopefully then he might explain a little about her thus putting your mind at rest. Failing that ask if you can meet him at one of his meets being that it sounds so formal and much of a laugh..

foxwales

I'm sorry but I have to be more negative here than positive.

Don't lie to yourself and try to convince yourself that it was nothing but harmless flirting, if it was then why did it hurt you so much whilst you were listening to this conversation?

You said you didn't recognise who he was by the way he was acting, so how do you not know that he is not trying it on with any other young female colleage he works with?

Keep your guard up and find out as much as you can, yes it will hurt, yes it will be painful should the truth shatter your life together, but it is better than living a lie, constantly worrying where he is or what he is doing as it will eat you up inside and wreck your confidence and self-esteem.

Sort it out now, get your questions answered and do not leave it until YOU are satisfied with his response.

Please don't live a lie and don't let him ruin you by being unfaithful.

You need to know the truth.

IWish

My heart goes out to you and I really don't know how you are managing to stay calm, at least on the outside - so well done. I know I would be in pieces and would have probably totally lost the plot with him by now.

You have said that you want to believe him. If you ask him 'open' questions he may not be totally honest with you, which obviously will make you feel worse so I agree with pinkshoes and elljay with the direct approach. Just tell him he phoned you in error last night and the phone line stayed open so you couldn't help but hear what was going on and then ask him what he thinks you might have heard. A lot of people's first line of defence is attack and he may slate you for listening (this happened with a friend of mine). You could suggest he checks his call log (as the call with the time and length to you should be on it) on his mobile. This will also give him a little time to think and reflect about what you may have overheard and how it has made you feel. I also realise that this may give him time to think of a cover story, but although he was home so late, from what you have said, I really don't think anything other than flirting happened. I do understand the 'flirting with intent' comment by pinkshoes but do you really want to know if that was the case? It could well just have been an opportunist moment to flirt (still hurtful to hear) and to make him feel better about himself, as BitterandTwisted has said. I will be thinking of you and hope it all goes well xx

jazzyman01

My heart goes out to you. Unless people have been through it, they will have no idea of what you are going through. I bet your head has been whirling all day on what you should say, if you should say it and if it was all really a bad dream.
The problem is the trust element going forward. I would think that unless you get this sorted out then everytime he is late you are going to be imagining the worst.
The decision on what you do next can only be made by you. It is easy to say I would confront him and not let him out until I had wrung everything from him, but I am not in your shoes.

Zoetoes

Me too. You know if you confront him it could change everything.

I heard ex on the phone blatantly talking to another woman, I was stood at the top of the stairs and my legs went to jelly and I felt sick, I was actually thinking should I go downstairs or not because if I do our life together is over. Should I pretend I didn't hear because I don't want to lose him?

No way, and worry everytime he left the house, or got a text?

No thanks, goodbye!

This might not be the case here, but either way you need to find out.

If there's nothing more to it then you can get on with your lives together, it might actually make him realise what he's got and that he was a bit daft.

If there was more to it then you have to make a decision, either work it out or don't. If you don't get to the bottom of it it will take over your life.

I wouldn't say you heard everything though, because if there was something 'significant' to hear he'll know you would have reacted immediately. I would just say 'oh by the way you knocked your phone last night and rang me for quite a while'. His face should give you a clue.

C_Mababejive

Forbidden fruit often tastes sweetest. Its just pure speculation but it sounds like OH thought he might be in with a chance with this girl. He would just be thinking with his pants as men sometimes do and the thought of ravishing some 20 something girl quite appealed to him. It does seem rather uncaring of him to stay out so late then invent some !!!! n bull story to palm off on you as if you are some kind of fool. However i would counsel that you keep calm ,keep your powder dry but watch and wait. He may well know about the phone call but isnt sure of what you might or might not have heard.

Best to keep calm,act normal but keep your eyes and ears open.

Then when you have enough evidence,pounce. Now is not the time to pounce for he will simply palm you off with a half plausible explanation which you will so want to believe.

Does he read MSE ?

MadMac_2

OP, so sorry to read about what happened. Didn't want to read and run - so will just say that I was in the position of being the young woman being chatted up by my much older boss and I knocked him back in the most polite and non-threatening way as I loved my job!

But looking back - well, he was over twice my age and didn't look all that, he really was making one hell of a fool of himself. Yes, your husband might well be up to no good and in order to find out you'll just have to take the bull by the horns and have a straight and honest conversation with him - but do try to keep in the back of your mind that your husband is getting on and isn't the looker he once was, who's he kidding that he thinks he can pull a much younger woman?!

Mid life crisis and then some, I suspect. So I hope his male pride was well and truly dented when being rejected last night and that you make him feel even more of a fool later. Power to you, hun, don't be the doormat in this situation, be strong.

Good luck! Will be thinking of you.

98sidney

Hi Op.

Sorry to hear of recent events.
I agree with the posters idea of saying was he aware he rang you by mistake and you heard his conversation, and then see what his face is like you will know if he is lying or not.
Just remember it isnt your fault and you didnt make him look else where, just inase he starts throwing that one at you..

Whilst it may be harmless flirting, the bit I cant explain away is the emails they have been sending each other which is why I am sorry to say I think it may be more..

Been in you position, lovely woman rang my phone using my ex phone so I could hear them having adult fun and a whole lot more agro from them both for over a year before I kicked him out..

If you choose to walk away best revenge is to get on with things without them as they hate that..

You are not alone in this..