Disgusted/Hurt please help

BitterAndTwisted

Lots and lots of happily married people have a flirt now and then and it usually means nothing but what it is: a bit of a flirt. It rarely means that a person is unhappy in their marriage and is seeking the arms of another. I understand that eavesdropping on a conversation you weren't supposed to hear has shaken your trust and I'd feel the same. I would definitely mention that I'd overheard what you heard and leave it to your OH to join up the dots

whydoesithappen

jackieb wrote: »

I trust my husband, but have never had the opportunity to eavesdrop on any of his conversations with the opposite sex, so who knows what we all might hear.

Thats the most hurtful part of it, I thought I knew my huband in everyway but overhearing his conversation showed me he is a lot more thoughtful, caring and intuative about women than I thought. When we are out in a group of friends together he never approaches our female friends and has conversations with them alone, just not who he is or so I thought. he is more than likely to be having a beer and chatting to our male friends.

It just seems that he is a totally different person when I am not around, and that hurts more than anything.

zzzLazyDaisy

I agree with this. It may not mean anything. It is entirely possible that his phone died as you know it was switched on for a while when he didn't realise, which would have hit the battery.

It is more worrying that he stayed out until the early hours of the morning, but again, if that isn't usual, it may not be anything to be concerned about.

If he starts making a habit of staying out late, then it could become a cause for concern. But at the moment, maybe it is a wake-up call?

Maybe it is time to stop and take stock, and see if you can find ways to spend some quality time together, and put some spark into your relationship. Maybe go on holiday? Plan nice things to do at the weekend? Make him feel wanted?

Just a thought. It isn't easy being put in this position but try not to blow things up unless you have good reason to believe he is actually playing away.

xxx

whydoesithappen

Thanks LazyDaisy, I have been calm as I know that if I go in all guns blazing my husband will shut off and I will never get anywhere and I don't want that so am trying to stay calm although it is hard.

GSXRCarlos

i think you're very brave for the wayyou've handled it so far.

And even more so for being able to talk about it on here (yes i know we don't know you so it may make things easier, but still)

Best of luck, just take everything he says with a pinch of salt, but try not to become spiteful over this.

Thinking ahead, this may just be a bump (albeit a big one) in the road, and you can talk and move past this.

Maybe you can examine your own feelings about him and your marriage, are you giving him everything he needs? (and before i get flamed for this, i'm meerly posing the question, not suggesting in anyway that you deserve to be treated like this - i want to make it clear that NO-ONE DESERVES THIS)

Michelin

You are handling this so well - well done to you. I think you did exactly the right thing in not going into one when he got in last night (you must have so wanted to though)! I think your plan of discussing it when he gets home tonight is good and try and stay as calm as you can even though you must be feeling devastated inside.

What you heard was horrible and hopefully you can both confront it and do something positive about it. 20 years is a long time and you have both invested those years together and that must be so worth saving. Take care.

Chinkle

From what you said of this conversation, I think it was probably harmless flirting (except that you overheard it).

The girl was probably just politely trying to rebuff him (I assume he is more senior to her) and trying to do so in a way that didn't jepodise her job and he with a few drinks inside him giving him a bit of courage to test if he is still attractive to young women.

Did he say why he was much later than normal, maybe he drunk more than he normally would and wanted to sober up before drinking home.

However, all said, I do think you need to tell him you overheard the conversation and it has upset you. Perhaps once you have discussed how it made you feel, you can discuss how you can put back some of the old romance in your marriage - a "date night" once a week or something of that kind.

whydoesithappen

I think that is what I am trying to look at it as, him trying to see if he is still sttractive to other people. he holds a senior position at work so it is plausible that this girl could possibly be being polite.

The shock came in that he spoke so softly, how would you handle a situation like this I just don't know what to feel. It is horrible hearing your OH being so sweet and nice to somone of the opposite sex! instant feeling of why does he not say those things to me. We do go out for meals and try spend time together and I know things wane in a marriage but I have never let him feel unloved or unwanted.

Thank you all for your suggestions and I will try to stay as composed as I can when he gets home even though every bone in my body wants to know, who she was, what his intentions were/are and why he was being that way with her!

fletch3163

Hi there

You say the girl in question was (you feel) politely rebuffing his "advances". What do you think? Do you think he was harmlessly flirting or do you think he was fishing? Have you ever had any doubt before?

2 things spring to mind for me. It obviously wasn't the drink talking (as it can sometimes) because he was able to drive home. The time he came home scares me a little too. Is your husband OK with getting older do you think or is he fighting it?

Years ago I remember my husband voicing concern over a young lady he worked with (she was adopted). He said he worried about her at night alone and, although his thoughtfulness should have comforted me, it shot fear through me.

I do think you're doing absolutely the right thing. I take my hat off to you because I would not have been able to be so grown up about it. You must tell him, in whatever way you can, that you heard his actual conversation.

Good luck to you

BitterAndTwisted

Don't forget to put your sexiest frock on tonight and do a bit of flirting with him yourself. I'm sure there was no ill-intent, it doesn't sound like the young girl was responding to his blandishments at all from what you described. Blokes of a certain age sometimes need to feel that they haven't lost their magic touch where the ladies are concerned but it certainly doesn't mean they're looking for illicit fun