Disgusted/Hurt please help

whydoesithappen

timmmers wrote: »

Too many women in this thread, here is a guys view for comparison.

ALL guys talk to women they meet, only the nasty ones aren't polite, and calling a young girl "sweetheart" is just a friendly term not a statement of affection.

I see guys sit around me almost every day filling a few mindless minutes flirting quite crudely (I mean rudely and in a sexual way) with barmaids or anyone that will listen to them make !!!!!! out of themselves...it's an ego thing possibly, and quite pathetic. He wasn't doing that was he?

Your man works with women, he found himself with one as company...and was polite and friendly, not crude. What would you wish he did? He just had a little light banter after work. She may have had 3 heads and weight 50 stone for all you know too since you never saw her ...in your mind though, a pretty little goddess?

He didn't tell you the complete details because (like me) he considered it irrelevent, a minor converstaion probably lost in his day and all but forgotten. You, however, feared the worst and built up a little mental picture based on those fears. He didn't know.

IF you worked late, went for a drink with colleages and one of the guys talked to you...you'd probably do similarly to him wouldn't you?

All he did wrong really was not try hard enough to call you. I'd bet he knows that now and is sorry. Don't beat yourself up with imagined garbage even though it's easy to do.

Have a little faith in him and how much you mean to him.

Be happy...both of you.

t

Firstly thank you to all who posted after my last comment and I do take your points on board. Timmmers Thank you for a male perspective, the reason why I am handling it the way I am is because I know what you say is a huge possibility. I have always been the kind of person that things you have to be a fly on the wall to actually see a situation and sometimes it is not what you make it out to be in your head.

Thant having been said, if I had just overheard friendly flirty banter I would not of felt the way I did, I did detect a underlying intention and that is why I was upset. I do not wish to become or have ever been the type of woman who makes a mountain out of a molehill or been the snooping kind. When you are faced with a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable and knowing my husband the way I do, hearing his language and tone started to ring alarm bells. I do hope it is what you say it is but I would be silly at this point to bury my head in the sand and wish it not be true. I am very aware these things happen, they have in my workplace and I have seen tame situations that have started off as light flirting in the corridor to people doing silly ridiculous things in the name of having an affair.

I will pop in and see him during lunch someday soon (tommorrow perhaps!!) and make myself seen and known to 'New Colleagues'.

Staying out once in a while has never bothered me as sometimes he does that with his Golf friends after a long game, I know where he is as he plays with mutal friends, but havingt heard what I did the other night I would be silly if I didn't pick up on something whatever it may be, I hope it is as you say but I also won't accept if flirting turns to him pursuing an emotional affair.

Thanks again everyone, your comments and suggestions as always are greatly appreciated.

windswept

whydoesithappen wrote: »

...From what I could make out as it was quite muffled, he started saying how he had been thinking of her all day and what was going on with her day at work, I could tell it wasn't a collegue as they were obviously flirting from what I could hear, lots of laughing going on, he said something about how she feels about him and if there are 'possibilities' of something happening? she just laughed it off and told him to behave as she was over half his age he is '51' and she did mention something about his wife obviously talking about me. we have been married over 25 years and I have never heard him sound so alive or sweet, kind, caring and its breaking my heart, I had no idea and I mean no idea. It sounded like he was trying to convince her to meet him again as they seemed to get on so well ....

Timmers - the above "banter" went WAY beyond polite and friendly conversation - the OP knows her husband's ways after so many years, I would have reacted in exactly the same way as she did in the circumstances, nothing to do with being man hating , everything to do with hearing something truly alarming and disturbing. If he did innocently think that this was "harmless flirting" - he's got problems with boundaries at the very least, a man with grown up daughters knows what appropriate behaviour is in regards to young women.

I hope you get things sorted out whydoesithappen.

aliasojo

I think it depends on the personality of the person who is saying these things. I have an Uncle who would say stuff like this quite normally and likes to think he is a really friendly guy. If I overheard him using the kind of words the OP's husband did, I wouldn't bat an eyelid and certainly wouldn't think my Aunt had anything to worry about. (I might think he was a bit of a prat mind you, but certainly not an adulterer in the making. :rolleyes:)

However if my OH, who is generally very quiet and unassuming, said stuff like this, I would know it wasn't just friendly banter with him as this isn't his usual 'chatty' demeanor.

Sorry OP, I think there's a wee mid life crisis at play here. Personally I would have been a bit more forceful and displayed more anger.

I do sometimes think that if people are too reasonable in their reactions, then they run the risk of being reasoned with and often the potentially guilty party is able to diffuse things just by calmly offering an alternative view to the one that's causing you worry.

Hopefully if anything untoward was about to occur, he will have second thoughts now.

whydoesithappen

Hi all,

Firstly I would like to thank you all for listening to my ramble and all the helpful comments that followed, you are such a bunch of thoughtful people it truly amazes me at times!

Well I went to meet OH at his office for lunch today, bumped into him as he was leaving to go across the road at 'the bar' with 3 colleagues, all men!! well he was happily surprised and insisted I come along. I told him I was in the neighbourhood, his colleagues were all very nice and friendly, we walked across the road after lunch and just as he was saying goodbye to me and about to walk in door the girl in question from the other night was coming out...he introduced us she was very polite and he said to her 'where are you going way past your lunch hour' all very jokey and she replied back late lunch was just going to grab a sandwich...I heard the way he was with her and it all 'seemed' very laid back and well normal I suppose.

So I got to see her and the one thing that struck me how pretty and happy and bubbly she was and I was thinking 'my husband was sitting in a bar flirting with you the other night and no blinking wonder' I hate to be thinking this but I can't help it! It didn't seem in anyway that she was or could be interested in him but who knows.

I did do a little detective work just to stay ontop of any situation and can thankfully say I found nothing, no emails, texts weird money transactions etc. so for now I will keep my eyes peeled and he knows that staying out as late as he did without contact is now a no go!

Thanks again everyone.

MadMac_2

Hi OP, I'm glad to read it is so far, so good! Phew.

I'm relieved you should be able to avoid the 'forever snooping and worrying' syndrome that can afflict us in these situations - as that really does eat you up and ends up spitting you out! Trust is such a delicate and vital thing in a relationship, I hope you can get it back soon, x

The way you have handled this situation is a real credit to you and you should be mightily proud of yourself - and those who follow in your footsteps and find your thread in their hour of need will be comforted, I'm sure, that everything isn't always as clear cut and bad as it first seems.

Greener_Grass

So glad things worked out for you. Your husband seems genuine enough. I'm glad to hear of a happy ending for once

iamana1ias

grey_lady wrote: »

timmers / Katie - there have been multiple studies done on this kind of thing, 9 times out of 10 the guy is found to be cheating. This man wasnt sat chatting by the water cooler flirting with a girl from HR for 5 minutes, he was out until gone 2am and accidentally sat on his mobile and his wife overheard some uncomfortable 'flirting'.

And 87% of statistics are made up

grey_lady wrote: »

There is no way that a guy who sits in a bar with a young girl until 2am flirting with her, wanting to take things further is a devoted husband - IMO. Sorry OP for being blunt, but personally I think you should keep him on a very tight lease.

Lease like a rental? Sorry, but that made me :rotfl:

zzzLazyDaisy

Hi OP, I'm so glad to hear that everything is okay for you. What a relief!

Still, maybe it was a bit of a wake-up call for both of you? Perhaps its time to inject a bit of spice and playfulness into that long, strong, marriage of yours?

Good luck!

:beer:

poet123

Even those of us who have been married a very long term need to be aware that risks are out there. In our social circle several long married couples have found themselves in the divorce courts because of flirting that went too far and became an affair. So, whilst it is silly to be paranoid, it is equally silly to be complacent and think it could never happen to you. In the face of everyday demands it is not always easy to keep the spark alive and make your partner want to comehome rather than spending time with others.

OP I think that you handled the situation brilliantly, and hopefully your DH will have have realised that he was sailing close to the wind (which I agree he was) and had a think about his actions. I think you have "marked his card" which was probably what was needed to pull hm up sharp.

Minimum_Wage_2

things have worked out well for you then, im glad that it has come to nothing and wish you all the best for the future.