Is it worth trying to get child support from this man?

chriszzz

Aphroditesgirdle wrote: »

At the moment he is obviously not interested in his child but if he decided at some point in the future that he wanted to see her, I would not stop him, and equally if she wants to find him when she's older I would not do anything to militate against that.

It is important for the child, that the pwc encourages any form of contact and puts aside their own personal feelings and let them both develop a healthy relationship

In your case and because he lives so far away I think its gonna be quite difficult for any real emotional relationship between father and child and yes he may not be interested at this time but that's not to say that he will never be involved. Its a little bit sad really because, would he have felt the same if he had been still living in this country?? Suppose only he has the answer to that??

Hope it all goes well for you and your little-un.

chriszzz

[QUOTED] by NJW69 If I was absolutely set on trying to get the fathers involvement then this would be for the role they could play in the life of the child rather then as an absent parent who made a financial contribution. I have had contact with my Dad throughout my life and he has contributed financially (in a very small way) even though this has been through official arrangments. The money thing actually made little difference as my Mum was pretty self-sufficient but what would have made the difference was having a real involvement on a day to day basis from my Father. This is irreplaceable.

I can understand what your saying here!! I have brought up my first two children without financial or emotional help from their father and I can honestly say that I would be more than happy to receive no money as long as my children were enjoying the love of their father, for me, the money means nothing and I would be quite happy to have no money from him as long as my children felt loved, that would of been enough for me, cos am sure if he was emotionally involved he would be spending money on them when he was having contact with them.

For me its not about the money (and that's just me) Its about my children s happiness and money never brings happiness!!

Dancing_Shoes

chriszzz wrote: »

For me its not about the money (and that's just me) Its about my children s happiness and money never brings happiness!!

Unfortunately you are in the minority, although this is fortunate for your children as they will grow up with the right values and realise the sacrifices their mother made for their happiness:T

I am not saying that any nrp should not be liable to pay for their children (within reason) but that it shouldn't be the first thought when having children, no-one has a go at the mother if she is sat at home on benefits and starts her csa claim, where is her contribution financially towards the children (everyone always goes on about "financial responsibility" when it is the father but it is a joint decision (in most cases) to have the child/ren so both parties need to contribute not just one)

chriszzz

Dancing_Shoes wrote: »

Unfortunately you are in the minority, although this is fortunate for your children as they will grow up with the right values and realise the sacrifices their mother made for their happiness:T Unfortunately my daughter broke up with her partner whom they have a child to, due to him being unemployed he pays nothing for his daughter and yet my daughter will be on his tail if he has had no contact within the week, she has done this since they split 4 yrs ago and because of her pursuing contact (not money) the father and child (my granddaughter) have a fantastic relationship and I guess what am saying here is some pwc will only see the money as being priority. The thing is he spends more on his daughter than the £5 the csa says he should pay so in fact, the child has won all round and that's down to her mother. I am proud of my daughter for not letting him forget his emotional responsibilities, because now we have a child who is happy!! I guess because her dad never bothered financially or emotionally with her, she was dammed letting it happen to her daughter.

I am not saying that any nrp should not be liable to pay for their children (within reason) but that it shouldn't be the first thought when having children, no-one has a go at the mother if she is sat at home on benefits and starts her csa claim, where is her contribution financially towards the children (everyone always goes on about "financial responsibility" when it is the father but it is a joint decision (in most cases) to have the child/ren so both parties need to contribute not just one)

I too think nrp should contribute financially to the up-keeping of their child but its not the first importance!! Like my daughter maybe pwc and if safe to do so, should not just pursue the money.

knithappens

I have just started the Remo process my Ex husband is American
check out the link, it will give you a starting point
http://www.csa.gov.uk/en/case/remo.asp

Dancing_Shoes

to the op, have you expained to him that he will be emotionally and financially liable for this child? Maybe if you contact him and tell him that if he doesn't come to agreement with a private agreement then you will be forced to follow the remo process. That way he may realise that he has to pay one way or another and if he is sensible will opt for the private agreement. This would be far better for both of you than having to follow the remo process which will be a hassle that I am sure with a young child you probably don't need.
I hope it works out for you and I hope he re-considers his decision and starts contact with his child for both their sakes

PlayingHardball

Can I just say to the OP that I've been involved with my REMO application for approx a year now and have not found the process stressful at all, and I doubt you would either. What I have found stressful is the financial worries caused by the selfishness of my ex.

I have a friend who also raised a child on her own - sort of - she had the full help of a council house, a wide range of benefits, etc etc. While I admire her, part of me would question if she allowed society to pay for the absence of the father who helped create her child he didn't want to 'know'. What if she had the opportunity of persuing/forcing his contribtuion legally? She did, but obviously didn't persue it.

I'm not sure what the situation of the OP is, but she's stated she is not self sufficient. If the father doesn't help to pay for his child, who will?

That alone would impell me to encourage the OP to persue some form of financial responsibility from the father via REMO.

But there has been lots of wise perspectives on this thread, and all I can say is that if you start REMO, you can always change your mind in the future. It will likely take a considerable amount of time to succeed anyway, with no guarantees. What is there to lose?

chriszzz

[Qouted] by Playinghardball: I have a friend who also raised a child on her own - sort of - she had the full help of a council house, a wide range of benefits, etc etc. While I admire her, part of me would question if she allowed society to pay for the absence of the father who helped create her child he didn't want to 'know'. What if she had the opportunity of persuing/forcing his contribtuion legally? She did, but obviously didn't persue it.

When me and my ex split and I started claiming IS as a single mother, that was the only time the csa wanted to know anything about the nrp, they would ask you for a forwarding address of the ex, which obviously I never had a clue were he lived as he never offered that information. Its now been 22yrs and I still dont want or need to know. The csa never found were he was and were certainly not hot on his trails, hence he rejected all responsibility all by his self and got away with it emotionally and financially

So, I was a single mum, rearing her two children and when they were of school age, it was my time then to come off benefits and start to stand on my own two feet and help towards the finances. I never asked for society to pay for my children, my ex done that remarkably well.

If I had known where he lived then am sure i would of let csa know, as I do think that they have a responsibility to contribute financially, but now when i look back, we got threw it ok, his money probably wouldn't have made to much of a difference but his role of a father would of been more important in helping my children to develop and achieve a healthy balance to develop good relationships in their adult life.

The csa are more powerful today and are catching up with nrp, 22yrs ago they weren't

Dancing_Shoes

PlayingHardball wrote: »

Can I just say to the OP that I've been involved with my REMO application for approx a year now and have not found the process stressful at all, and I doubt you would either. What I have found stressful is the financial worries caused by the selfishness of my ex. I don't know your situation but I can sympathise with anyone who has a truly horrible nrp who doesn't want to contribute towards the cost of their children:mad:

I have a friend who also raised a child on her own - sort of - she had the full help of a council house, a wide range of benefits, etc etc. While I admire her, part of me would question if she allowed society to pay for the absence of the father who helped create her child he didn't want to 'know'. What if she had the opportunity of persuing/forcing his contribtuion legally? She did, but obviously didn't persue it.

I'm not sure what the situation of the OP is, but she's stated she is not self sufficient. If the father doesn't help to pay for his child, who will? The father should "contribute" towards the costs of raising his child as should the op (which from her posts it seems that is what she is doing already)

That alone would impell me to encourage the OP to persue some form of financial responsibility from the father via REMO.

But there has been lots of wise perspectives on this thread, and all I can say is that if you start REMO, you can always change your mind in the future. It will likely take a considerable amount of time to succeed anyway, with no guarantees. What is there to lose?

I would definately advocate contacting remo after giving the father the opportunity to change his mind (when he realises there is nowhere to run;)) but you yourself have said that you have been on the process for a fair amount of time and I would definately advocate it as a last resort after giving him a final opportunity. I am sure that once he knows he will start to be pursued by the courts he will realise he HAS to contribute....and if he doesn't then remo it is:T

PlayingHardball

chriszzz wrote: »

[Qouted] by Playinghardball: I have a friend who also raised a child on her own - sort of - she had the full help of a council house, a wide range of benefits, etc etc. While I admire her, part of me would question if she allowed society to pay for the absence of the father who helped create her child he didn't want to 'know'. What if she had the opportunity of persuing/forcing his contribtuion legally? She did, but obviously didn't persue it.

When me and my ex split and I started claiming IS as a single mother, that was the only time the csa wanted to know anything about the nrp, they would ask you for a forwarding address of the ex, which obviously I never had a clue were he lived as he never offered that information. Its now been 22yrs and I still dont want or need to know. The csa never found were he was and were certainly not hot on his trails, hence he rejected all responsibility all by his self and got away with it emotionally and financially

So, I was a single mum, rearing her two children and when they were of school age, it was my time then to come off benefits and start to stand on my own two feet and help towards the finances. I never asked for society to pay for my children, my ex done that remarkably well.

If I had known where he lived then am sure i would of let csa know, as I do think that they have a responsibility to contribute financially, but now when i look back, we got threw it ok, his money probably wouldn't have made to much of a difference but his role of a father would of been more important in helping my children to develop and achieve a healthy balance to develop good relationships in their adult life.

The csa are more powerful today and are catching up with nrp, 22yrs ago they weren't

Hiya Chriszzzz,
Yes, your comment made me think of my friend who raised her child on her own. Her ex told her to 'get rid of 'it' and if she didn't, he didn't want to know'

The point I was making to OP is that she knows where the father is, and he is traceable. If it were me, I'd want to persue his financial responsibility, whether he planned on making baby or not!

I do admire what you did. Like my friend, you did a great job.