Just found out have a 6 yr old what to do for the best?!

zzzLazyDaisy

I haven't read the whole of this thread, so apologies in advance if I have missed something.

However, my two-pennorth -

1 as far as I know the mother cannot be forced to cooperate with a DNA test against her will - even with a court order it is unlikely that she will be held down and physically forced to succumb to the test.

2 again afaik a DNA test is only conclusive if samples are taken from the putative father, the mother, and the child.

3 since the house is up for sale, how will you go about tracing her and the child if she is determined to disappear? Yes I know private detectives are very good at this sort of thing, but if she is determined not to be found, this could be very expensive.

In short, without the mother's cooperation, I can't see how this is going to go anywhere........

CG77

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

CG77 wrote: »

I'm not in complete agreement with current adoption policy, although it doesn't do to say so when going in for adoption. In this case, I think that the situation is best left alone and that the mother (and, presumably father) should decide whether the child is told about this and whether there should be any contact.

But presumably your children know about their background because you feel they have a right to. My thoughts on this situation are that now that the Father knows, it's terrible of the mother to cut him out. A totally separate issue is that, in my view, the child absolutely should know who her father is (if it is the OP's OH and not the person she believes it to be at present). In an ideal world she would have grown up knowing so there would now nothing to 'tell'. If however she doesn't know and it is likely to come out, which seems to be the case, I fear the mother's hand will be forced somewhat, in that she will now need to broach the subject with this little one, preferably in stages, slowly, slowly, before she hears all at once and probably in a not-so-pleasant way from someone else.

BUT as i said before the OP is unlikely to have any influence on any of this if the child's mother continues to act in the way she is at present.

CG. x

CG77

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

In short, without the mother's cooperation, I can't see how this is going to go anywhere........

Exactly!

CG. x

Kimie

Hi

If your OH can get a DNA test done and it proves he is the father then I personally think as long as all parties agree and can behave reasonably about it that the girl should be told ASAP.

If it is his daughter they have already been made to miss out on 6 years together. Regardless if the child has a daddy she should have the chance to know her biological dad as well.

I really feel for all involved her but it sounds like both you and your partner are trying to do your best by the girl x

my_gorgeous_ellie-belle

I don't know if it has already been mentioned as i have only read the 1st page but from a medical history point of view it is better that the child is aware that the person she calls daddy is not her blood relative therefore the family history should not involve his family. I.e history of breast cancer, etc on the non-bio side could cause some dismay for the daughter. Also vice versa if her real dad's side has important medical history that she is aware in future as that could affect certain aspects of her life.

I have always been told about my real mum and the goings on - i have even been explained as much as poss of what family were aware of her sides medical history so i can give details when i am being assessed, have children, etc.

I do think that the earlier the better - i have always been told the truth so i have ever had the ''well you are not my real mum, so you can't tell me what to do'' issues that many go through when they are told later on. I have grown up appreciating everyone for who they are and what they have done for me, blood related or not, never felt like i was lied to or anything which can feel like betrayal

Good luck to you and your OH. x

daska

There are also numerous ways in which a child might come to realise that there is something amiss. If the parents have blue eyes and child has brown (actually not quite as clear cut as it is often presented as this is biologically possible just not probable), if parents are both O- and child is A+ etc. As well as the problem that secrets have a habit of being found out eventually, a slip of the tongue, a friendship gone bad, a strong physical resemblence as mentioned earlier etc

puddy

the courts will order a DNA test and the mother will not have a choice but to submit her child for this, if she doesnt, she is in breach of the order.

if she moves without telling anyone where she is, the court will simply order the police to track her down, a child has to go to school and be registered with a GP making them easy to find

the father doenst have to have a solicitor, he can apply for all of the above down at the magistrates or county court

there are enormous identity implications for children who grow up believing one thing and then find out later (because they will find out) that they are not who they think they are.

current adoption policy is based on years of research into outcomes and identity work. it is also part of the intenstive assessment to determine how an adoptive parent will support their child through the difficulties of 'being told' who they are.

for some children however, they are adopted late enough to have known their parents and so trying to pretend that they are not adopted is not an option

Seh1985

jenner wrote: »

the courts will order a DNA test and the mother will not have a choice but to submit her child for this, if she doesnt, she is in breach of the order.

if she moves without telling anyone where she is, the court will simply order the police to track her down, a child has to go to school and be registered with a GP making them easy to find

the father doenst have to have a solicitor, he can apply for all of the above down at the magistrates or county court

there are enormous identity implications for children who grow up believing one thing and then find out later (because they will find out) that they are not who they think they are.

current adoption policy is based on years of research into outcomes and identity work. it is also part of the intenstive assessment to determine how an adoptive parent will support their child through the difficulties of 'being told' who they are.

for some children however, they are adopted late enough to have known their parents and so trying to pretend that they are not adopted is not an option

hi jenner thanks for your advice, so if we try to move forward with this without going through a solicitor (getting a court order etc) would we actually have to go to court and represent ourselves? i dont have a clue how any of this works ive always had a simple life up until now!!