Just found out have a 6 yr old what to do for the best?!

hoggie1980

forgot to add everytime the csa messes up our payments, im quickly told im not allowed to see her anymore

peachyprice

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I can see that this might happen when she' older, which is why I think that the information should be left until then - this will cover the boyfriend question as well.

I don't see it as "living a lie" ;the man who'd bringing her up is her real father, the OP's OH is just the sperm donor.

Why do you imagine she will not find out until she's older? They live in a small town, chances are there are a fair few people who know already, all it takes is some idle chat by a pair of mums over a coffee, with a child within earshot, and it's all over the playground before you can say 'who's the daddy'. Which is why the child deserves to know as soon as the parents are sure.

It is living a lie, who our biological parents are is who a part of we are. She thinks she's a part of her daddy, but she may well not be.

funky_snow

I also agree with pursuing the DNA test and then if its positive - reestablishing something witht he family so that they do tell the little girl the truth - albeit a sugar coated version of the truth that can be accepted by a 6-year old.
i.e. your daddy is still your daddy - but you are special and have a 2nd daddy.

The truth does come out eventually - and if its not tackled properly it can be damaging. There was a little girl in our community who was being brought up by a different man to her biological father. However the family resemblence to her biological dad was so strong - she was subject to far too much gossip by adults which eventually was picked up on by their kids and she was subject to teasing and bullying. I remember her being very troubled by the time she was a teenager and eventually having a really big fall out with her family - I'm sure it was more than just this issue - but it can't have helped family relationships that she wasn't told the truth by her own family for so long.

RAS

funky_snow wrote: »

I also agree with pursuing the DNA test and then if its positive - reestablishing something witht he family so that they do tell the little girl the truth - albeit a sugar coated version of the truth that can be accepted by a 6-year old.
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it can't have helped family relationships that she wasn't told the truth by her own family for so long.

That really is the core issue - if no-one in the family tells this child, she will lose all faith in them when she is told by someone else.

The core relationship is based on trust and if you cannot trust your parents, who can you trust? And when the issue is so fundemental, how will she ever be able to trust anything her "parents" ever tell her again.

It is hard enough to navigate the reality as a mature person; it is certainly not fair to risk her well-being just to cover up.

However, does the other father know about this?

puddy

i notice that most people advocating for not telling this child are forgetting that she not only has a biological father that she has a right to know and forge a bond with and identify with but also siblings, they have a right to know her as her half sister and vice versa

children cope with the truth as long as it is dealt with in the correct way and at an early enough stage. it is not in her best interests to wait until she is a hormonal and confused already teen

hoggie1980

yes i agree. this is something that needs to be dealt with in a very sensitive matter. my daughters mother told her once that i was her dad and left it at that until she asked one day why she came to my house!!! the parents of the child need to re-assure her that she is loved and is very special to have lots of people who love her. this will also be hard on your partner as he will have to try and bond with a 6year old child who he has never meet before

kelloggs36

GSXRCarlos wrote: »

be mindful that if he his the father then she could ask for child support.

I have a freind who supported his daughter by other means (not CSA) and when things got nasty (they always get nasty with money) mother of child threatened CSA, he had to justify that he'd paid all this money out for her up-bringing.

Be aware that mother of child can also claim for the last 6 years of CSA payments, No she can't. The CSA can only get involved from when they are first contacted and send out the forms or phone the alleged NRP. They cannot backdate a claim. n as so far your OH has not contributed. Whether Mother fo Child will do this is anyones guess, but please be prepared for this

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UKTigerlily

I applaud the OP's OH for wanting to do the right thing, so many men would say they don't want to know & just think DNA test = CSA payments. ONW i'm shocked at your post, every child has the right to know their parents, if I found out one of my parents wasn't mine but someone else was & they'd known since I was 6 i'd disown them. Whether the OP's OH has been in her life or not he is still (Supposedly) her Dad, it wasn't his fault he didn't know! Why shouldn't he not be able to find out & get to know her? It doesn't sound like he's trying to uproot her or get custody!

If the OP had said he wanted nothing to do with it & wouldn't support it there'd be uproar, well done to them both for doing the right thing, I also think the younger she knows the better, she'll then grow up just accepting it.

Mojisola

Someone I know experienced this the other way round - she was brought up by her grandmother as the youngest child in the family when she was really her oldest sister's illegitimate child.

She didn't discover it until she was in her 30s, visiting two elderly aunts. She mentioned something about her Mum, only for one of the aunts to say "Of course, she wasn't really your mother, XXX was." It was an awful shock for her, especially as her birth mother/older sister and grandmother had already died and she was never able to talk it through with them. She was extremely upset at the years of deceit and the realisation that so many people knew but no-one had told her.

The longer it's left, the worse it is.

tiamai_d

Although you also have to be prepared to have the DNA test and the child not wanting to know her biological father, or any siblings. My Dads half sister was told at 7 years old about her 'real' Dad, met him once and didn't want to see him again. It was only when both her and my dad were in their 30's that she got in touch with my dad. As far as she was concerned her dad was the one who had raised her.

Best of luck with it all, it will be stressful no matter what happens.