Just found out have a 6 yr old what to do for the best?!

Seh1985

Has anyone been in a simular situation? my partner has just been told he has 6 yr old daughter.
basically the mother didnt tell him, met somene else when she was pregnant and he has been her father and signed the birth certificate
she has confirmed that myoh is the dad but she wants him to walk away and have nothing to do with the child she also has another child with the now husband.
my oh wants a dna test to find out if she is telling the truth but providing she is doesnt know when the best time for a child to be told about something like this
if anyone has had any experience on a simular problem all advice would be appreciated
also we have children too and live in a small twn where everyone seems to know everyone elses business our oldest son is 4 so he will be told before he gets to dating age.
my partner wants to see the child but when is it going to be less damaging for the child to find out?

lucy777_2

hi, what a life changing thing to happen to u both x If i were u i would take it a step at a time firstly with the dna test, try not to (easy for me to say) do anything else before dna, you dont want your partner getting envolved if the child is not his that will open up a whole load of upset x

why the contact now if she wants him to walk away?

i would talk to the mither as a couple and talk to her tell her u need a dna first......then its time to chat.

take care x

misty_blue_2

Hi sarah
i would say make sure he has a dna test done
here is why (i will keep it a short as possible)

I was married to my 1st hubby for 17 years, it was pure hell most of the time but i had no suportive family to turn to
he was and still is very abusive and a womaniser.
anyway we eventually divorced
2 years ago this christmas he informed our daughters he had a son
my youngest is in her 30's and his "son" was 2 years younger than her
It totally devestated my kids ( i know your oldest is only 4 )
he wanted them to meet but they refused
anyways the long and short of it is to prove to his kids they had a brother he had a dna,
it came back he wasnt the dad and my kids were then left totally devastated, not because he wasnt their brother but because of all the bad feelings this had caused and it was all for nothing because he wasnt the dad anyway
PLEASE make sure this child is your partners before you tell anyone or introduce your own kids to this child

shellsuit

Who told him? The Mother? Why on earth would she tell him he is the Father, but in the same breath tell him that she wants him to walk away?

If I were him the first thing I would do is have the test to determine whether he is the Father or not.

Does your OH think he could be the Father, or is this woman just trying to stir some !!!!!!??

daska

Could it be that the 'birth certificate dad' worked it out and demanded that she told your OH? That might explain the wanting your OH to know but not be involved.

There are counsellors and charities that work in the field of reuniting birth parents and their children - mainly in adoption, it might be worth contacting a charity such as NORCAP for advice and help on how to proceed. If they can't help they may well know someone who can. I would also suggest that your OH request some counselling via his GP - this is likely to stir up some major emotions once he's got over the shock.

What a nasty mess to be landed in. I hope it works out as well as possible for everyone.

ailuro2

MAybe she's after oney but doesn't want him to have access etc.

Stranger things have happened.;)

I agree, have the DNA first before you go any further.

Seh1985

she is refusing dna test, doesnt want money and has told my other half to stay away as the child has a daddy and doesnt need two,
my partner basically got some anonamus messages telling him so he went and asked the mother and she said yes its true as she wasnt sleeping with anyone else at thhe time. i know hnesty is the best policy but the way she is being it makes no sense her telling him. why give him that info the tell him to sling his hook?!
when they were talking she said if this al comes out she willmove away and now guess who has a newly erected for sale board up!
my partner is going to have to see a solicitor to see if he can get a court order for dna test but heis umming and arrring about how old the child should be when shes told. he says he does want to see her but he wants what is best for her. my opinin is that the child should know at the earliest age possible so she will adapt more easier and there is still a chance she wont grow up to be a completely messed up young lady!!!

Oldernotwiser

It sounds like the mother has got the best idea in all this. The child seems to be settled in a family unit with two parents; your oh was merely the sperm donor and is best keeping out ot it, as the mother's requested. Why would anyone want to do anything so awful to a child as to tell them something like this unnecessarily?

Seh1985

because my partner didnt agree to be an annon sperm donor and my children have a possible sister walking around the same town we live in!? also doesnt a child has a right to know who they really are not who mummy decides they should be? you think its ok for this girl to be lied to her whole life?

Seh1985

oh and the mother and non biological father had seperated for the last 2 years but since this has come out have now got back together

mumslave

Its not okay for the child to be kept in the dark, but you must push for the dna test to be sure. The younger she finds out the easier it will be for her. I was brought up with another woman as my mother, as it is she is wonderful and I still think of her as my mother, but it came out when i was 13 that she wasnt and this other woman was...I hadnt seen her from the age of 3. It totally destroyed me, in learning that my brothers and sisters werent, that my mum wasnt, but this lady i didnt know was. It messed me up for years and things will never ever be the same. Do I wish i had never known? yes of course, but these things have a habit of coming out. Who sent the anon text? That same person could say anything to anyone. I think if i had been told when i was still very young, the shock would have been a lot less.