Just found out have a 6 yr old what to do for the best?!

mumslave

sarahemmiehowell wrote: »

That is really horrible for you to grow up thinking that your mum wasnt who you thought she was, was it your dads new partner that raised you? so you still lived with your dad?
we think it is the mothers ex best friend who told us they were friends up until the mother slept with her partner, dont know the time scale on it all but it was after her 3 year old was born i believe, i know this woman and bumped into her and she has said its true and there was no one else on the scene at the time and that the little girl is very like my partner.
if she refuses dna test and denies sleeping with him will the courts give dna?

My dad got custody of me and my brother when I was a baby after he and my mother split. She moved 600 miles away, so I guess he saw no point in telling me, I didnt remember her and noone wanted to remind me, I was happy with my family as it was. However she came back on the scene when I was 13, made contact with my brother and that was that. I know why my parents didnt tell me about her, I know why they kept me away from her (apparently she tried to visit now and again) but I believe they were wrong to do so. They should have told me when I was young enough for it not to traumatise me as much as it did. Young children are very adaptable, far more so than a teen.

I do firmly believe these things do have a tendancy to come out.

peachyprice

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I think that what you're suggesting is one of the most cruel things I've ever heard. Sometimes it's necessary to have to tell a child something like this but to do so just because your oh wants to play at being daddy? It's like one of the worst sort of Jeremy Kyle programmes - put the child first!

Sorry, I can't agree with your view.

Unfortunately the information is already 'out there', other people already know and it's highly likely that someone will tell the child at some point in time.

It only takes one person to blow this whole thing wide open (you can bet your bottom dollar it will come out ar some point), and you've then got a devastated child/young lady who should have been told the truth by her parents as soon as they found out, not been allowed to live her life as a lie.

3onitsway

GSXRCarlos wrote: »

be mindful that if he his the father then she could ask for child support.

I have a freind who supported his daughter by other means (not CSA) and when things got nasty (they always get nasty with money) mother of child threatened CSA, he had to justify that he'd paid all this money out for her up-bringing.

Be aware that mother of child can also claim for the last 6 years of CSA payments, as so far your OH has not contributed. Whether Mother fo Child will do this is anyones guess, but please be prepared for this

That's completely false! :mad:

The only way he could be made to pay for the past 6 years, is if the mother of the child claimed 6 years ago, naming him as the father, and said father was contacted 6 years ago.

mummy_Jay

I think 6 is too young to understand this and it at this time would cause more upset and pain to the child than anything else. What does your partner have to gain in pursung a this child now? At such a young age he risks damaging what she percieves as her family and in doing so making her hate him.
If he really wants this child to be part of his life why not wait until she's 12 or 13 and can understand what happened.

Oldernotwiser

peachyprice wrote: »

Sorry, I can't agree with your view.

Unfortunately the information is already 'out there', other people already know and it's highly likely that someone will tell the child at some point in time.

It only takes one person to blow this whole thing wide open (you can bet your bottom dollar it will come out ar some point), and you've then got a devastated child/young lady who should have been told the truth by her parents as soon as they found out, not been allowed to live her life as a lie.

I can see that this might happen when she' older, which is why I think that the information should be left until then - this will cover the boyfriend question as well.

I don't see it as "living a lie" ;the man who'd bringing her up is her real father, the OP's OH is just the sperm donor.

nervousftb_3

although i agree that this would be extremely disruptive to a small child's life, and so it would need to be dealt with extremely carefully, I don't believe that she should never be told.

Firstly, lots of people seem to know about this now and it could get back to her (either now or when she is older) and secondly because she may found out another way that she is not genetically related to the man who has brought her up, such as via her blood group, other genetic traits, medical issues that come up later in life, etc...

it is a horrible situation to be in for all concerned, but i really don't feel that this child should be denied the chance to know where she really comes from, even if the information is withheld from her until she is old enough to understand. a DNA test should be performed asap (the child does not need to know why). both the child and the potential father have every right to know.

miamoo

I completely disagree that the infomation should be left untill they are older.
Why make such a big deal about it, at 6 the child will accept whatever they are told without question. So they have a dad and a stepdad so what, why wait untill the child is 13 and then have to do the 'big talk' , risking an off the rails teenager.

The Jeremy Kyle comment is out of order, the people who end up on there are the ones who LIE to their kids, not the ones who have the sense to be honest with their children.

mumslave

what exactly would you say to the child at 12/13. Oh sorry love, we have known for the last 6/7 years but decided to wait until you were old enough to tell you, so if you had of wanted to see your dad, you can now, sorry about the other 7 years? Trust me you could never create any excuse a teen would accept as to why you had kept it a secret and saying it was for their own good, wont get you anywhere either. The mother is lying to the child, she runs the risk of her child finding out in the end, in which case its twice as bad, not only does child have to accept she has a new daddy, but that her mummy lies to her. That can be irrepairable. I still believe the earlier its explained the better. The longer a lie is lived, the more damage the truth causes.

Olderandwiser, it IS living a lie. My step mum as I now call her is the loveliest woman i know. She was the one whom wiped all my tears, counselled me through friend rows, first boyfriends, first periods....she is everything a mother should be. BUT, she is not my mother. I would give anything for her to be so, but she isn't. There is no getting away from that, just as there wont be for this little girl, if and when the truth does come out.

hoggie1980

omg its like ground hog day. i was with my daughters mothers for 2months + she fell pregnant. she didnt tell me that she was pregnant, the first i knew bout it was when a letter from csa came through my door. i got told that she had gone to the csa as her other benefits got threatened to be stopped. i had dna test and she is defo mine. my daughter is now nearly 14years. she has called her step dad "dad" as he has been in her life since she was 2years old. she calls me by my name. her mother didnot keep telling her who i was, until she was 11year and she asked!!! the poor child is very confused bout who she is and she behaviours very badly for her mother. it hurts me very much to hear her call her step dad "dad" but i understand why she does as ive never been allowed to be a father to her. i have no say bout schooling etc. good luck with what you decide to do

mumslave

p00hsticks wrote: »

You mean he didn't voluntarily have sex with her without using contraception ?

Hardly anonymous is he, unless the mother is in the habit of sleeping with men she doesnt know. If the child is his, he had a right to know, it takes two to conceive a child so two to take care of contraception.