Just found out have a 6 yr old what to do for the best?!

Seh1985

mumslave wrote: »

By the age of 12 a child can decide for themselves if they want to see daddy, she wont even be able to that if she doesnt know whom her daddy is. No judge would overrule a child of that age, unless there were extreme circumstances.

thanks for all of yur advise and opinions im really taking them on board

Seh1985

on the medical side of things if the mother gets her way and we back off then in years to come the child was to need organ donation etc if my oh has no relationship wiith this child and no bond how would he feel about donating whatever body part to a stranger this sounds horrible and hasnt really come out right but hoefully you can see im not being mean!

Oldernotwiser

mumslave wrote: »

She doesnt need to know for medical reasons, she needs to know because the OP's man is her father, does he not count in any of this? Or her siblings?

I would also be curious to find out how many kids are adopted in the uk and dont end up screwed up in their later teen years, trying to work out why their mummys and daddys didnt want them, not every adoption story is a happy ending.

Adoption doesn't work like this nowadays; children are given a life book with details and information about all their family background so that they'll be able to understand why the adoption happened. Many will have ongoing contact with their birth parents anyway.

Before DNA tests, many children would have been brought up by someone who wasn't their father by blood, because of parental infidelity and I don't think that anyone was the worst for not knowing . As long as there's a strong family bond, that's all that really matters.

CG77

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Adoption doesn't work like this nowadays; children are given a life book with details and information about all their family background so that they'll be able to understand why the adoption happened. Many will have ongoing contact with their birth parents anyway.QUOTE]

Thanks for pointing this out, ONW. I wish they were given a book with the info, in terms they can understand. In reality, if they are lucky, they get a 'later life letter', which will serve (or try to!) this same purpose. Unfortunately it's the adoptive parents who are usually left to do the lifestory work with them, and in many cases the letter they have from the SS is either full of inaccuracies, gived them far too much inappropriate info all in one go or it romanticises the birth family's situation to the extent the child reading it would wonder why on earth they had been removed!

Sorry to go OT and vent! Can you tell I'm bitter?! You're absolutely right though, ONW, that this is no longer the situation, in that training for adoptive parents is much better now and the children are 'drip-fed' information as they grow up, so they are made well-aware of the facts, in an age-appropriate fashion, so that it need not either come as a huge shock or leave them in the dark as to their birth parents' situation.

Thanks again for bringing that up!

CG. x

And PS. To the OP, my personal opinion is that wherever possible this 'drip-feed' approach is by far the best way to disclose life-changing information such as this to children. However, in your position, there are so many obstacles in the way (proving paternity, will the father be allowed contact etc etc etc) before any type of disclosure of paternity can even be discussed. I hope it all works out in the happiest way for all concerned, and I do have to say I do feel for your OH in all this too. It must be very distressing to be told information like this and then to have any power to act on it at all totally removed as is seemingly the case at the moment. All the best to you all.

shellsuit

The child and the Father have a right to know.

There's no ifs or buts about it.

Mojisola

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Before DNA tests, many children would have been brought up by someone who wasn't their father by blood, because of parental infidelity and I don't think that anyone was the worst for not knowing . As long as there's a strong family bond, that's all that really matters.

I would agree with this - but the difference is that they never knew. As has already been shown, there are people out there who do know about the child's parentage and are willing to tell others. In the case, the child is likely to find out at some point in the future.

Oldernotwiser

CG77 wrote: »

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Adoption doesn't work like this nowadays; children are given a life book with details and information about all their family background so that they'll be able to understand why the adoption happened. Many will have ongoing contact with their birth parents anyway.QUOTE]

Thanks for pointing this out, ONW. I wish they were given a book with the info, in terms they can understand. In reality, if they are lucky, they get a 'later life letter', which will serve (or try to!) this same purpose. Unfortunately it's the adoptive parents who are usually left to do the lifestory work with them, and in many cases the letter they have from the SS is either full of inaccuracies, gived them far too much inappropriate info all in one go or it romanticises the birth family's situation to the extent the child reading it would wonder why on earth they had been removed!
.

When we went in for adoption, the brothers came with a very full life story book, complete with photographs of birth parents, earlier foster parents and school teachers. The reasons for their being in care were explained clearly and sensitively, with enough information for us to build on in future years.

Perhaps our children were lucky; it's obviously unfortunate if everyone doesn't get the same standard of care.

Oldernotwiser

Mojisola wrote: »

I would agree with this - but the difference is that they never knew. As has already been shown, there are people out there who do know about the child's parentage and are willing to tell others. In the case, the child is likely to find out at some point in the future.

But the people in the present don't actually know or there wouldn't be any need for a DNA test. I'm sure that there have always been rumours about this sort of thing in the past, particularly when people lived in more closed societies.

CG77

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

CG77 wrote: »

When we went in for adoption, the brothers came with a very full life story book, complete with photographs of birth parents, earlier foster parents and school teachers. The reasons for their being in care were explained clearly and sensitively, with enough information for us to build on in future years.

Perhaps our children were lucky; it's obviously unfortunate if everyone doesn't get the same standard of care.

I think your children were very lucky. So so many adoptive parents have to do all the ground work themselves.

Not a criticism here at all, as I very often agree with your points, but it really interests me to know that as an adoptive parent, who obviously understands the importance of children understanding their background, why you advocate the child in the OP's case growing up without any knowledge of her paternity?

CG. x

Oldernotwiser

CG77 wrote: »

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I think your children were very lucky. So so many adoptive parents have to do all the ground work themselves.

Not a criticism here at all, as I very often agree with your points, but it really interests me to know that as an adoptive parent, who obviously understands the importance of children understanding their background, why you advocate the child in the OP's case growing up without any knowledge of her paternity?

CG. x

I'm not in complete agreement with current adoption policy, although it doesn't do to say so when going in for adoption. In this case, I think that the situation is best left alone and that the mother (and, presumably father) should decide whether the child is told about this and whether there should be any contact.