Just found out have a 6 yr old what to do for the best?!

Seh1985

thanks everyone for your advice we will just have to see how it all pans out hopefully we are doing the right thing, im just really struggling with how the mother feels her actions are justified and why she wouldnot be hnest from the beginning! i suppose ill never know.

mumslave

I know it must be hard, but try not to worry about the whys and whats of the past, the thing to focus on now, is just the future. The last thing the child needs is arguments over what her mother did, stick to putting the child first as you are trying to do.

mrbrightside842

Has he been to see a solicitor yet?

DX2

If you really want to go ahead with all of this have you both thought about how much this will cost?

In your post you say the other woman's house is up for sale, so it seems she is very serious about this secret not getting out. How would you know where she moved away to?

The cost of getting this to court and then if the judge thinks this is in the best interest for the child. Costs for DNA testing. Could be a very expensive, long drawn out battle.

I don't buy the what if she needs to know for medical reasons excuse, realistically how many children are adopted in the UK and don't need to know this.

mumslave

She doesnt need to know for medical reasons, she needs to know because the OP's man is her father, does he not count in any of this? Or her siblings?

I would also be curious to find out how many kids are adopted in the uk and dont end up screwed up in their later teen years, trying to work out why their mummys and daddys didnt want them, not every adoption story is a happy ending.

The main worrying thing here, is that noone knows whom sent the Anon text, so there is a high chance this could come out, from that factor alone.

DX2

mumslave wrote: »

She doesnt need to know for medical reasons, she needs to know because the OP's man is her father, does he not count in any of this? Or her siblings?

I would also be curious to find out how many kids are adopted in the uk and dont end up screwed up in their later teen years, trying to work out why their mummys and daddys didnt want them, not every adoption story is a happy ending.

The main worrying thing here, is that noone knows whom sent the Anon text, so there is a high chance this could come out, from that factor alone.

It doesn't matter what any of us think, if this woman is determined that the child has nothing to do with the father/siblings then the OP should be aware that her and her OH is going to have a huge legal battle and what the cost of this battle is going to cost. Realistically every child should know who their bio mother/father is but in the real world it doesn't always work like that. The judge would question what is in the best interest of the child.

mumslave

By the age of 12 a child can decide for themselves if they want to see daddy, she wont even be able to that if she doesnt know whom her daddy is. No judge would overrule a child of that age, unless there were extreme circumstances.

seven-day-weekend

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

It sounds like the mother has got the best idea in all this. The child seems to be settled in a family unit with two parents; your oh was merely the sperm donor and is best keeping out ot it, as the mother's requested. Why would anyone want to do anything so awful to a child as to tell them something like this unnecessarily?

ONW, I normally agree with you on things, but on this I differ.

As an adopted child myself (very happily I might add), I think the child needs to know her stepfather is not her natural father and to be told her natural father's name. I don't think she has to play happy families with him if she doesn't wish to, but she should know so that she has the choice whether to see him or not when she is older.

I don't think 'pretending' her stepfather is her natural father is right at all, although she might still consider him to be her dad, as I did with my adoptive parents.

I have known I was adopted since I was very young; in fact I don't remember not knowing. I have also known my natural mother's name and her address at the time (she did not name the father). I have never chosen to trace her but am glad I was given the choice.

Also, tbh, I thought my son needed to know about my adoption, it's his bloodline as well as mine.

Just my take on it.

DX2

mumslave wrote: »

By the age of 12 a child can decide for themselves if they want to see daddy, she wont even be able to that if she doesnt know whom her daddy is. No judge would overrule a child of that age, unless there were extreme circumstances.

I understand what you are saying, what I am trying to say (and badly) is that the OP needs to know this isn't going to be a walk in the park it's going to be a long drawn out process, which might end badly.

Seh1985

DX2 wrote: »

I understand what you are saying, what I am trying to say (and badly) is that the OP needs to know this isn't going to be a walk in the park it's going to be a long drawn out process, which might end badly.

i apprecite that thankyou and also this is going to work out expensive but unfrtunately for me my oh ddnt go to the chemist all them years ago and buy a pack of condoms so other than walk away from this which isnt what we are planning on doing there isnt really anything else to do, ive just cntacted the mother and asked if we can all sit down and talk it thrugh s will see what type of resonse i get