waiting for police to arrest my husband

Minimum_Wage_2

Your doing good, just take every day as it comes and dont look back. start building your life again and be happy that your free of him.

Imperfect_One

Firstly I just want to say I am sorry to hear what has been happenning to you and how much I admire how many huge steps you have taken in these last 2 weeks and the strength and determination you have shown.

As I have only just come across this thread, I will be somewhat out of date with my reply no doubt.

My main suggestion would be to seek counselling in a specific agency set up to counsel victims of abuse if there is a service of that kind in your area.

The next piece of information may be helpful (in understanding how you were treated), also I apologise as it may be hurtful at the same time (regarding accepting the awareness your partner had of what they were doing). Don't feel you are responsible for the abuse as there are patterns/cycles of abuse that will have been occurring from the beginning (mostly unaware to you). Without getting too technical these include Isolation (as you have described with not seeing friends etc), Distorted Perspective (where you are the one justifying his behaviour/taking on the blame), exhaustion, Degredation (put downs, humiliation etc),enforcing trivial demands, Threats, displays of total power and the occassional indulgences (those nice moments, treats etc). Be proud of yourself as you have been a victim to all of this and survived.

Congratuations on getting the job. Best wishes for the future.

zztopgirl

I have put my name down to start at college asap, and had my counselling today, I didnt match up to the referral letter at all cos have come such a long way in past 2 weeks:D just cant get my head round at how much I have recovered.

Hate it when anyone talks about ex now, one of my friends mentioned him yesterday and it hurt, he knew ex and said he will keep his head down for a bit, then be back out there again searching for a new victim.

I have started writing down abuse, seeing it on paper is truly shocking, that I considered it acceptable at the time is really scary but I was well and truly ground down to practically nothing. The physical injury may have healed within days, but the mental scars will never go. I am doing everything in my power to forget him and move on with my life. Am angry at some so-called 'friends' who are only thinking of themselves and who needs friends like that anyway, but I have real friends both here and locally:D

MinnieMoo_2

Hi ZZ,

I'm glad to hear you are on the mend. Apologies for length.. I'm just catching up with your thread here....

I still have many of his belongings here, his wheelchair, etc, which are taking up alot of space but not a lot i can do.

Yes you can!!! Pack them away, so the weather can't damage them, (more closure for you) and put them outside your home. If the police are involved, ask them to deal with it, if not send him a message that they are there and not your responsibility.

...and to stop me if i start to talk about him, i am getting professional support starting next wednesday, and can talk about my ex then.

I might have been unclear with this one... if you start to talk about your ex,, thats fine, a good friend will llisten, explain the therapy hour and then go ahead. Stop setting yourself up to fail. You need to talk about him, to remove the negatives he created for you.
If you are being offered therapy, then my advice would be to take it... you will have more difficult days. The fact that you can't bear him being talked about is a sign that things are still raw. This happens. Time will heal all things. It took me a few months to be able to refer to my ex by name.
As women we try to understand situations around us and therefore reach a conclusion, you are trying to understand a to**er. My advice would be not to bother and apply that energy to your own state, which is much more important. Its not a battle to forget him... you have to do it xxx time. While you battle with your feelings, you can create a negative by not getting where you think you should be fast enough. Got the tshirt, badge and bag for that one!

Remain calm and clear, keep breathing and focussed.

Min

Morglin

zztopgirl wrote: »

I have put my name down to start at college asap, and had my counselling today, I didnt match up to the referral letter at all cos have come such a long way in past 2 weeks:D just cant get my head round at how much I have recovered.

Hate it when anyone talks about ex now, one of my friends mentioned him yesterday and it hurt, he knew ex and said he will keep his head down for a bit, then be back out there again searching for a new victim.

I have started writing down abuse, seeing it on paper is truly shocking, that I considered it acceptable at the time is really scary but I was well and truly ground down to practically nothing. The physical injury may have healed within days, but the mental scars will never go. I am doing everything in my power to forget him and move on with my life. Am angry at some so-called 'friends' who are only thinking of themselves and who needs friends like that anyway, but I have real friends both here and locally:D

I wouldn't react negatively when anyone mentions him or the situation.

I would just smile, shrug, say you're so glad you realised what a loser he is so early in your marriage and you're really glad you haven't got to deal with him anymore, although you do feel sorry for the next poor cow he targets.;)

Then, just change the subject - when the gossips realise you won't be drawn any further, they will get fed up with trying to get you to talk about him, and move onto something else.

Glad you're doing so well, though.:T

Lin

boo666

first off well done for getting rid and staying rid..
it is so hard to do as i have been trough it plenty of times.
i was sexually abused as a child so when i got my first boyfriend and he hit me it seemed to be alot better than what was happening at home, so i stuck with it... ended it then got with another 2 !!!!!!, then went back to my first some 8 years later thinking he would of changed as he seemed to of NOOOOOO i lost 2 children because of our relationship.
and before anyone moans..... i had a child with someone else but the old boyfriend was there from birth and brought him up as his own, he never used to hit me around friends or my child, he was a night time !!!!.. i then fell pregnant with his child and he beat me up one night with his friends downstairs (because he had seen me have a minute chat with my ex who used to hit me) he thought he was right to do it because he could not work out why i had sopke to someone who had hit me???
my child was placed with a family member that night because of the damage he had done to me and social services got involved, they told me to end the relationship which i had try to so many times before (even by going to refuge who refused to help because i had never called the police) but this time they could not refuse and the relationship ended that night.
even though he had done what he done to me i stayed in contact with him so he could know how my pregnancy was going (!!!!!! to me but our child still needed to now her dad, supervised stc once born) s/s in the end removed our child once born because they had seen me talk to him in the street (our child was not with me) and they said that our relastionship was not over....
so in the end i lost both my children because i was putting them at risk!!!!!!!
moved on and got with a old school friend who was nasty but not to me for a good 3 years, he grabbed me by the neck one night and our relastionship ended there...
since then i have been single (3 years now) and oh my good it is the best thing ever, no one to answer to, do as i want see who i want with no questions (well apart from my kids).
i do have someone around for the extra needs but he is fully understanding that we are just good friends and no relastionship is needed..
STAY STRONG AND LIFE WILL BECOME MORE CLEAR..

zztopgirl

Wow thanks Boo, i have sent you a pm by the way, thats how i want to live now, i have some friends who will be there for me and thats just how i want it now, am so glad you have ended the cycle though. Thats just what im going to do now:T

Now cant believe its 3 weeks since starting this thread, where has the time gone? Get the results of std's tomorrow, then for debt counselling to rearrange my SOA and then job centre. Court is on tuesday and not looking forward to it, will be chewing my nails all day and am not a nail biter, but am changing my phone numbers tomorrow, the phone company nagged me to and said i would think about it, but think it will be good, if he gets released from bail, he cant phone me and harrass me anymore.

I tried to make arrangements to see my youngest this weekend, but cafcass have told my ex to forget about me (thankfully my ex is ok with me and he told me what they told him, he aint happy about it) am getting psychriatric reports done this week and am in court on the 23rd so will fight to prove i have the right to see my youngest and im not mentally ill as cafcass have accused me without proof! Yes, ex was making me mentally ill, but am so pleased to say that ive made a full recovery and am busy getting on with my life now. But cafcass, by banning me seeing my youngest, are also preventing my eldest from seeing her too and effectively splitting up a family. I doubt the judge will take kindly to this, and by trying to drive a wedge between me and the ex too, as the judge that we have, prefers to have parents who get along with each other and avoid going to court as much as possible. Methinks the cafcass officer is trying to destroy us and make more work for herself so she gets paid more.

boo666

i think you need to see if you can have a different cafcass officer..
a friend of mine has mental health problems and the cafcass officer on that case agreed with what my friend wanted JOINT RESIDENCE...and the judge went along with it.
you could have a plus point that the judge happens to like familys to stay in contact so get your solicitor to fight that the cafcass was againest you from day one...

Morglin

Good luck with the court case and the sorting out of contact arrangements with your children.;)

Lin

zztopgirl

eeeeek:eek: im sat here waiting for a phone call, he is currently in court and call it whatever you will, intuition? Things are going great, i strongly suspect he is looking at being sentenced at some point. I just cant see him being released from bail though. I have been visualising him being in prison since the early hours, not that i actually want to visualise it, but it keeps popping into my head whether i like it or not.

I have a nice up of tea, my mobile and house phone next to me, have made a list of things to do today to keep me occupied.

I have had contact reinstated with my dd, even my ex's lawyer told the judge how bad the cafcass officer has been towards me:T

I keep missing him, and forgetting all the bad stuff sometimes, but am trying so hard to get through this. Its not easy but i know i can do it.