Daughter stealing....

Any

Certainly not crucify her, no...
But don't excuse her either. Don't pay the money back for her.
Just a little cold shoulder would not do any damage. Few words of "dissapointment", "ashamed" etc..

I think the OP is doing very well.

Joelleski

When I was young (probably about the same age as the OP's daughter) my Dad had a big bottle which he used for saving up 20p's ... needless to say, over a period of time, I was helping myself to said 20p's, buying sweets, and carp from the local newsagents. I knew it was wrong, I don't know how I expected to get away with it, and I didn't. Dad had wondered why the level of money wasn't going up, and eventually figured out his daughter was tea-leafing. I had the whole disappointment routine, cold shoulder, and whilst the shouting wasn't that bad, it was the disappointment on his face that really hit home. Needless to say, I never did it again, but I can relate to this whole episode. I do think the OP is doing the right thing, and I do believe the experience wil stay with the daughter. It certainly did with me.

RoxieW

Hi OP
I havent read all the replies so forgive me if this offends you-
I started shoplifting at about the same age. I think it is the age when you become aware of your peers and what the have and want to fit in. I didnt get pocket money and had a mum who wouldnt waste money on 'frivilous' things like nail varnish, stationary, hair dye, hair accessories - girly little things like that. heck, she wouldnt even buy us socks and underwear apart from for xmas. I didnt fit in at school because of it and started shoplifting to get these items. I'd take things such as the above, socks, underwear - I even took a school jumper once as mine was faded to grey and I was embarrassed. Not suggesting that you dont provide the basics for your child but it wasnt just the basics that I took - I wanted the things other girls were talking about - the latest single or a lip balm or whatever. Pocket money might be a good idea so that she has money of her own to spend on things of her own choice. You mention that she spent some money on dinners and sweets? Again, this is similar to me. I got 'free' dinner tokens but would sell them in order to go to the chippie or tuck shop instead as this was what all my mates were doing and otherwise i'd have been sat on my own at lunch times. It was so silly as you could only get 50p for a dinner token so I'd be absolutely starving with my bag of discos and my freddo for lunch (not surprisingly I was skinny back then!) but peer pressure is a powerful thing. Everyone would buy sweets after school too and as I didnt have any money I would sometimes steal them. Not even really because I wanted the sweets but just cos everyone else had them and I wanted to be the same.
If she has managed to steal £80 off her best friend then her friend must get quite a bit of 'pocket money'. Could your daughter be trying to keep up with her peers?

smartpicture

Im normally in favour of stricter parenting, but I have to say I think she's been punished enough in this case. The effect on her at school and in friendship groups will outweigh any punishment you could give her.

When you told her she would remember this day for the rest of her life, that is so true. When I was 10, I started stealing the odd sweets from the shop on the way to school. Eventually I was caught, and the lady just told me off & said she could have called the police, so I was very lucky - my mum never knew. But I was so upset that I actually wet myself, and when I got to school I blurted it out to my best friend, who told everyone else and I went through hell with my classmates. I didn't go back into that shop for 15 years, and even now if I walk past it I feel sick and every single detail is engraved on my memory. It taught me a lesson I've never forgot, and have never been tempted to steal since.

What she is going through with her frends & classmates, potentially losing her friend, not being able to visit their house, realising she will miss out on things like parties for a long, long time, and the shame she will feel when everyone at school knows and is dishing out their opinion - all this will stay with her in a more significant way than any punishment you can dish out. I think you've handled it very well.

distaught

Thank you so much for your posts. It has given me a lot to think about and how to turn this around. I think I've got away easy so far as my elder daughter has never been interested in 'fitting in' or having what others have got, or even being interested in fashion, hair etc.

The younger one has always wanted to be one of the gang, fashionable and cool. She also feels that she is not particularly clever, in comparison to her sister and I think she worries about that, her reports are always average. I'm sure there is a lot more to this than just pure greed and badness.

A big thanks to the people who have said that I am handling it well, that is much appreciated.

But also thanks to the posters who have been much harder, it all needs to be said.

Kandipandi

Just wanted to say well done. I think you have handled it admirably, and the other parents have been great too.
I agree with the other poster that you paying her for chores is not the best way for her to pay it back.
Perhaps all of the money should come from her own earnings, or maybe she can sell something to make back this money? Just a thought.

Keep your chin up sounds like you are doing a great job.

red_devil

I agree with the posts that say most people steal something in their life. I have but i wouldnt do it now.

My son went through a period of stealing too but he seems ok now.

warehouse

I have an 11 year old daughter and I hope I'd handle the situation as well as you have if something similar happened. Talking about it openly is the key here and you've achieved that. I expect today was one of her worst ever at school.

quietheart

This has taken me back around 28 years. I used to steal money from my parents, mainly my dad (because he was drunk he was less likely to notice). I did it mainly because it was easy. Looking back I cannot believe I did it and I did it for months (I was also 12 at the time). It was only when my mum announced that money was going missing that I started to realise it was wrong, there were 6 of us and I honestly wondered if maybe one of the others were thieving as well, I was really in denial. Anyhow I weaned myself of the expensive sweets and nonsense and have never taken anyone else's belongings since. Maybe it's hormones, maybe she's just not thinking straight but I'm sure it's just a phase. She could've got away with it and you'd never have known but for her it's best that it's come to a head and she'll learn a big lesson in life.
Go easy on yourself, there's nothing you could've done to stop it.

mountainofdebt

I can remember stealing 3 or 4 buttons from a market stall that were in the shape of flowers .....I thought they would look nice on my socks....obviously I never considered the possibility my mum would wonder how they appeared there when she washed my socks. Must have been about 8.

Anyway my mum caught me looking at them and the telling off I had from her made me never steal again.

OP - how was today for your daughter?