Daughter stealing....

distaught

Hi, regular poster, but new name, incase anyone I know reads....

Long story short,

This evening, my 12 year old daughter's friend's dad rang (my daughter had not long came back from their house).

He said they had noticed money going missing from a pot in their daughter's room for quite a while now but couldn't pinpoint the culprit as a number of friends were in and out. But they had put their initials on a £20 note and a £5 and tonight after my daughter had left their house, the notes were gone, so they knew it must have been her. They were very calm about it, my daughter has spent an awful lot of time at their house.

So I get off the phone, my daughter is standing outside the room waiting to see what's going on, so I tell her, she denies it of course, so I go a bit mental and tell her we all know it was her so where is the money, so she goes upstairs and it's in her blazer.

I am absolutely gutted and deeply shocked. My daughter is obviously really upset.

So I go zooming off in my car straight to their house, the mother answers and we go into the kitchen, at which point I am in tears (I hardly know the woman) and give her the £25 back plus another £5 I found in my daughters purse. The mother says that they reckon around £80 has gone missing over the weeks/months. She is so nice and says not to blame myself, but they say my daughter is not to go back to their house (obviously), so I leave, as there is nothing more to say and I say I will return the remainder of the £80 tomorrow, she starts saying, oh no, it's ok, blah blah, but I am so disgustingly humiliated, I say I will be back and leave, apologising profusely (obviously). Oh and the mother also says that her daughter has told her that my daughter is frequently buying expensive sweets after school and having school dinners when I am making her packed lunches, stuff like that.

I go home, do some more shouting, tell my daughter they say it's nearly £80 and what has happened to the rest of the money... eventually she says she bought a pair of cheap shoes (she said she bought those from dog walking money) and some sweets and stuff. I tell her that I have to give them an extra £50 and I am angrier than I have EVER been with her.

I'm on my own with the kids, her and 16 year old sister, who is quiet and studious.

She has been in her room now for an hour and I don't know what to do now. Not only has she been caught, she has obviously now lost her best pal, can never go to her house again, plus I would expect that the friend will tell others at their school, so it will go round their year like wildfire.

What can I do to try and best contain this situation, as I can see this could get really bad (ie my daughter running away, deciding she'd be better off not around etc etc)

Sorry this is so long.

Thanks

ailuro2

Once you've got over the shock of it, sit her down and ask her why she did it.

Insist she must pay the money (you) back out of her dogwalking money.

Ask her how she feels now she is banned from her friends house, does she think the friend will still talk to her, is soemthing going on that she needs to tell you about?

Maybe it was a way to get attention, or get the things that other kids have but she doesn't have.

As for it being all round the school - well yes it will, until someone else gets caught smoking something they shouldn't or having babies etc. It will be forgotten by others quickly, apart from those closest to her.

Sorry I can't be more help.

Minxy_Bella

Oh you poor old thing - what a horrible situation to be in.

As the mum of three daughters myself, I think the next thing I would do would be to go and talk to your kid and give her a hug and reassure her that you still love her.

She's at a very tricky age and the last thing you want is for her to run off, thinking that her life is over and that she's painted herself into a corner that she can't get out of.

I would say that she will have to do chores in order to repay you the money that you're giving to the friend's mum and that she must learn from this awful experience that stealing has consequences, so she must promise you that it will never happen again.

I realise that some might think that this is a soft approach, but I've known too many teens who feel that their relationship with their parents has irrevocably broken down and then go off and do silly things in their grief/despair/rebellion.

Yes, she's done something awful but she'll pay for this by losing her friend (and possibly the other girls will withdraw from her now if they hear about it).

We all make daft mistakes and teens are often as daffy as they come. She probably didn't even think the money would be missed - they often can't see beyond the end of their noses.

xxx

Dancing_Shoes

I don't have much advice but advise that both you and the other girls parents put it into perspective she is only 12:(

I would definately advise that you pay the other girls parents back the entire sum of money. I would also ask them to speak to their daughter and ask for this matter to remain private as you will be dealing with what has happened and why. I would then concentrate on finding out why your daughter did this and work with her if she has issues. I would dish out some form of punishment (i.e chores) for her to do to make up the money that you have to spend. Personally I think it is a bit harsh for them to "ban" her from the house but understand that they may feel they cannot trust her.
Have you got any family/friends you could talk to for advice?

LOUBY28

hello I think you sound like a lovely Mum, and so far have handled it really well. Some parents refuse to beleive their children ever do anything wrong and are totaly blinkered to such behaviour.

I would talk to your daughter about it and try to understand her reasons for doing it. I would also make her apologise to her friends parents herself too.

Debt_Free_Chick

I can't imagine anything you say or do will make your DD feel any worse than she does ... and will continue to feel for sometime yet. I would caution you against giving her any more "grief" (sorry, couldn't think of a better word).

if anything, she is going to need to some support. I rather suspect the stealing is about her feeling as though she is worth having as a friend and/or being "on their level". I'm guessing she may feel that she's "not as good as them" in some respects and she's been buying their admiration.

Allow her to talk to you about this, but you will need to be a bit of a counsellor if you want to get the whole truth out of her. If your approach is a bit like a detective questioning a suspect, there's a danger she'll clam up or lash out with some rubbish to deflect your questioning.

Perhaps don't raise the subject for a day or two and try to be kind to her, no matter how upset you (rightly) feel.

Tread carefully - take some time out yourself to approach this in a very calm state. It's about her, remember ..... and I'm sorry to be harsh, but less about you IYSWIM.

((((hugs)))

two-for-one

Hello

I really feel for you as I too would be so worried and upset if my daughter was stealing. However, after seeing how upset and distraught you are after what she has done, she may very well have learnt her lesson; especially if she has to also deal with the fall-out of it going round the school.

You know, as a child I have to say I was terrible when it came to stealing. Your post really jogged my memory and I'm really ashamed to say this, but I did seem to steal whenever the opportunity arose. When I think about some of the people I stole from, I just can't comprehend how I could ever have done it. And if you'd known me at the time, you'd probably think there was no hope for me. Yet as an adult now, I would never ever dream of touching anything that did not belong to me; even if I could get away with it, the sense of guilt and self-disgust would be too much for me to bear. I am probably one of the most honest people I know now.

I guess what I am trying to say is maybe try not to judge her too harshly. Calmly explain to her how wrong her actions have been, and how much it has horrified and upset you (I'm sure she must know that by now). And very importantly, like the above post said, ask her why she did it. I wouldn't be surprised if she has learnt her lesson, and at 12, we all make mistakes. Best of luck. XX

foxy-roxy

I think at the age of 12 money is so very tempting and you are still learning.
I never stole as a kid cos i was far to scared of getting caught but i knew plenty of others who did.
i had a friend who stole money from my mum, the milkman and window cleaning money my mum used to leave on the table and i wasn't allowed to play with her anymore but i still did. I am actually still friends with her to this day.
There may be no reason why she did this except temptaion or on the other hand there maybe, but you will never know unless you talk to her and make sure she knows never to do it again.

Good Luck

tandraig

I am so sorry for what you are going through - but its not the end of the world hun. my guess is that you are short of money and your daughter felt (wrongly) that she should have more and if her friend was better off she wouldnt miss it!
I really would try to talk calmly to your daughter now - find out if this was the case. then, tell her that you are repaying the money but expect her to repay YOU. also, I expect your daughters friend is upset too. but it would be too much to ask to expect her to remain friends or keep her mouth shut. but, your daughter could try apologising to her (which she should anyway). am sorry hun, but i hope your daughter will learn from this.

scrimpingbadger

You must feel terrible. I think your daughter must do too. Definitely make her pay the money back. I'm sure her friendship can be mended. You will need to get to the bottom of why she did it. I went through a sticky fingered stage at that age too - not for attention (though I got it - oh boy did I get it).

Am perturbed that a 12 year old would have that sort of cash in their bedroom too! I haven't got that sort of cash now..

sandy71

I'm probably going to get shot down for this but I really dont believe in pandering to her and sitting her down to talk it through. I tried it and it didn't work.

My DS was caught stealing at school so we did all that and then he was caught a second time doing it. My hubby took him straight to the local police station and asked for someone to talk to him. They found a sergant who came and took him to an interview room and really told him straight what would happen if he continued on this path. She was fantastic with him but also put the fear of god into him. She told him she never wanted to see him in her station again.

Its never happened again and yes he was scared and upset (so was I) but I believe we did the right thing. Even the sergant said "If more parents did this my cells wouldn't be so full"

Hope you get it sorted because it is a horrible feeling knowing your child is a thief.