Daughter stealing....

bestpud

kittie wrote: »

this only came to light because the parents became detectives and the 12 year old is only sorry now because she was caught. How on earth would you expect the parents to TRUST this 12 year old in their house again. At 12 I knew right from wrong, no excuses. soft footing around will not teach her the valuable lesson that is needed and her classmates do need to know, who knows what else has been disappearing

Its a hard lesson but she will quickly learn that actions have consequences and that includes losing the trust of her friends

It would take a while but I think I'd be able to give her a second chance tbh. I would certainly want to talk to her first and I'd impose a ban for at least a couple of months, to make it meaningful. And, of course, I'd perhaps then decide I could never have her back.

But I, personally, would not be saying 'never' at this point, unless I had other reasons for disliking her, which doesn't seem to be the case here.

She's 12 and most children steal something at some point, even if just a sweet from a bowl on the side. If properly dealt with, this girl may well never steal again.

I really don't think she needs to be branded a thief by her peers!

bestpud

jess1974 wrote: »

I hate to say this op but i don't think your daughter will be welcome round anyones house for a while, this will spread round the school like wildfire and other parents will be very wary of having her over...

I agree with the comment above from Kittie, what if she had'nt been caught? would she still be stealing?

I think this needs to be nipped in the bud pronto, i have a 12 year old boy, i would march him down to the police station if he ever did anything like this...

Of course she'd still be doing it!

And this will have become more of a habit as she got away with it, which is why I think she needs punishing.

I think it is better children get caught from the start really, but at least it's out in the open now, before she moved onto even bigger things.

I think I may have encouraged the other parents to call the police if I'm honest.

Susan_Frost

Sorry to hear what has happened, but I must say I feel the girl's family and yourself are handling it as well as you can.

I feel they have been very fair, and indeed it may be that others at school do not get to know what has happened. I am sure they will have talked to their daughter about it, and may have suggested she does not spread the word. Fingers crossed on that one.

My only real observation, having read the posts, is that you giving her additional chores to do to pay the money back is really you paying it back. It is an added expense to you that, I assume, you could well do without.

I think she would realise the real value if she has to earn it in her own way. So would suggest you agree a manageable sum out of her dog walking to pay back every week. Have a list somewhere to tick off the amounts, so she can see it reducing. £2 a week would take nearly a year, but at least SHE is paying it back. She can take on extra dog walking to pay it back quicker if she wants to. Dont make a fuss when the money is handed over. No additional telling off, etc. Just a "Thanks love". Mark it off, and forget it. It will just get into a routine.

It may help her to learn to save, if she sees how it does add up. It may also help to teach her about credit cards and other financial lessons. Hey, she may even develop the dog walking into a nice little earner if she sees the benefits of working/earning.

Yes, she has obviously done it for a reason, probably quite complicated. I am sure you are a good mum, she does come from a good home, where you do the right thing. So dont stress out too much. You will all move on from it in time.

Hugs to both of you.

Bennifred

tsimehC wrote: »

All my EMA money went on travel, lunch and stationary. ....................../QUOTE]


That's what it is meant for!:rolleyes:

Tom1234

bestpud wrote: »

Of course she'd still be doing it!

And this will have become more of a habit as she got away with it, which is why I think she needs punishing.

I think it is better children get caught from the start really, but at least it's out in the open now, before she moved onto even bigger things.

I think I may have encouraged the other parents to call the police if I'm honest.

I completely disagree.

90% of people (figure plucked out of the air) steal something at some point. I'd be willing to bet that the majority of people on this forum shoplifted a few penny sweets, or nicked a chocolate bar as a kid at some point. I know most of my friends have and most of us went to decent schools and universities, and are now working in well paid management/financial sector jobs. It's not exactly uncommon.

I know that the same happened to my younger siblings, and their peer group as they went through school too. And what happened? They all either got caught by parents and stopped, or grew out of it fairly swiftly. Not one of them now is some kind of criminal mastermind, stealing things as they move.

Most kids that do this either do it for the thrill, or to make themselves feel popular - especially in the case of those stealing money to buy things to fit in.

I think the OP handled this exceptionally well, especially in speaking to her DD as soon as possible after the event. In this situation, it can now really go one of two ways. Either a) the friend is annoyed about it, and tells everyone and shuns DD, or b) the friend isn't that fussed and carrys on playing with your DD.

Regardless, Monday is time for her to face the music. I hope it goes ok.

Stephb1986_2

I know she has done wrong, but it's not like she has committed the great train robbery is it, calling the police on a 12 year old! They have better things to do than deal with petty crime the parents have dealt with it accordingly. I remember when neighbours use to go round and sort things out with eachother instead of calling the police. I don't know what has happened to society recently.

I hope her day at school isn't too bad.

Steph xx

bestpud

Tom1234 wrote: »

I completely disagree.

90% of people (figure plucked out of the air) steal something at some point. I'd be willing to bet that the majority of people on this forum shoplifted a few penny sweets, or nicked a chocolate bar as a kid at some point. I know most of my friends have and most of us went to decent schools and universities, and are now working in well paid management/financial sector jobs. It's not exactly uncommon.

I know that the same happened to my younger siblings, and their peer group as they went through school too. And what happened? They all either got caught by parents and stopped, or grew out of it fairly swiftly. Not one of them now is some kind of criminal mastermind, stealing things as they move.

Most kids that do this either do it for the thrill, or to make themselves feel popular - especially in the case of those stealing money to buy things to fit in.

I think the OP handled this exceptionally well, especially in speaking to her DD as soon as possible after the event. In this situation, it can now really go one of two ways. Either a) the friend is annoyed about it, and tells everyone and shuns DD, or b) the friend isn't that fussed and carrys on playing with your DD.

Regardless, Monday is time for her to face the music. I hope it goes ok.

I agree most children steal at some point in time - see my other posts! My son did, or was about to, and was caught by me - he is a law abiding citizen now!

However, most don't go on to do it several times, and also increase the amount each time! This has been building up and she stole £30 last time - that is a considerable sum of money to steal from a friend!!

bestpud

Stephb1986 wrote: »

I know she has done wrong, but it's not like she has committed the great train robbery is it, calling the police on a 12 year old! They have better things to do than deal with petty crime the parents have dealt with it accordingly. I remember when neighbours use to go round and sort things out with eachother instead of calling the police. I don't know what has happened to society recently.

I hope her day at school isn't too bad.

Steph xx

In my experience, CSOs (who would mostly deal with this kind of thing) are more than happy to speak to children in the very early stages. They prefer it in fact!

Perhaps that is just here?

Again though, I don't call a theft of £30 in one go (from a friend!) petty?? :eek:

Petty, to me, is stealing a sweet out of her friends cupboard, or a small toy! Cash of that amount is not petty!!

Any

bestpud wrote: »

I agree most children steal at some point in time - see my other posts! My son did, or was about to, and was caught by me - he is a law abiding citizen now!

However, most don't go on to do it several times, and also increase the amount each time! This has been building up and she stole £30 last time - that is a considerable sum of money to steal from a friend!!

I completely agree with this!!!
Has anyone read the full story? She went and did it repeatedly...

Obviously the family doesn't have many to chuck away, so suggestion of preventing this thing happening again is to give her money from now on.. Common, are you serious?
So at the end she is going to gain from this situation?

mumslave

so..she was stealing because she felt it was unfair that she didnt have any money of her own...that it would make her popular having nice things...that her friends parents are much more well off than you are, so probably wouldnt miss it....she knows you dont have much money so would, and so didnt steal from you. Seems quite logical to me. Not correct of course, but logical to a child of 12. She would certainly have known what she was doing was wrong, but i full agree that talking is the way to go forward here. Whether she consistantly stole or not, should be irrelevant, once is as bad as five times, the point here is that this is the first time she has been caught, I believe in second chances. To a 12 year old, losing her best friend, knowing its very likely everyone will hate her at school...it will feel like the world has ended. Make her pay it back, however way you can, to you...make sure she knows its unacceptable and move on. She is just a child, it IS very different from an adult stealing and she is at a very delicate age for a girl, be careful how you go. Most of all, this isnt some deliquent child, I havent read that she is problematic in anyway. But she could become so, if you crucify her for this.