Daughter stealing....

Mazzarati2000

Gutted, wrote a long post & it crashed on me!

Really feel for you. You must be feeling terrible. ((hugs))

Some really good advice above.

I don't really remember doing anything very naughty as a child ( although I probably did, one of my childhood freinds was a real tearaway & I saw how he was regarded by adults around me, - maybe that helped ); however, I do remember how words like 'disappointed' & 'embarrassed' really hit home, the odd time I was in trouble for being late home/playing further down the village than I ought to have done...

Maybe re-iteratng how much you love her, & how proud you are of the young woman she is becoming, but that you are so upset & dissapointed tonight. That you feel really embarrased by the situation, will help her see the enormity?

Ask her if she realises what she has done to the freindship? How would she feel about her freind if they had stolen something (insert something that she treasures here) from her?

Also, make sure she understands that she has been really lucky, if she were older & the other parents weren't so good about it, she could have had a criminal record FOR LIFE. A ridiculously large burden for something so silly..

I know this sounds extreme, but she needs to understand, & once she really acknowledges what she has done, she can work at regaining your respect. ((hugs))

distaught

Thank you to all who have posted. As soon as I made the initial post, I knew I couldn't concentrate on anything, so I went to talk to her. I was very calm and we discussed that it did indeed make her feel more in control and popular, having some money. As someone mentioned, yes my daughter doesn't get given much money and her friend is from a well off family, so I can understand the temptation.

I decided I had to go and return the rest of the money tonight, as I wouldn't be able to leave it until tomorrow. I said to my daughter that she should apologise to her friend and that her friend may tell all their other friends and she may have a bad day/week at school, she was very upset by this, when the consequences started sinking in, so I suggested she may prefer to write a letter, actually that's when I realised I had to do this tonight, as it would be too late once they are at school.

She wrote a letter of apology and said how awful she was feeling about herself and the reasons she did it, ie thinking it could make her more popular. Then I wrote another letter to the parents, just reiterating what I had already said to them, then went to the bank. I then put the envelope through their letter box, I really couldn't face it again tonight.

Myself and my daughter have talked a little bit more and I can see she is terrified of what's going to happen at school tomorrow, she knows she is grounded for the forseeable and that she has to earn the money back to repay me, she also was very gutted when she realised there would be no Hallowe'en party that she was so looking forward to (at the friends house), so hopefully, lessons have been learned, unfortunately friendships lost and trust lost, but as mentioned, we'll get over it.

Just before she went away to bed, I said to her 'you will never forget this day, whatever age you are, you will always remember this and how it has made you feel' I could see through her tear stained face, that she won't be doing anything similar in the near future!

Thanks again for replies. I will update tomorrow when she gets back from school (I will be on tenterhooks all day)

oh and I was so upset when I first posted that I managed to miss the 'R' from the name I chose, it should (obviously) be distRaught!

Mazzarati2000

Glad you've got the start of some 'closure' on this (much as it pains me to use such an americanisation! ;-)).

It sounds like you've handled it admirably & she's learnt her lesson. I think you're absolutely right about this episode 'sticking' with her, & she'll probably be a better woman for it in the long run; better this now than something more major brewing long term.

It's great that she's opened up to you about it. We all know that early teens are a difficult time, & your approach to this can only have strengthened your bond further, something she'll doubtless be very glad of (the close trusting relationship with Mum) in the years to come!!! :-)

I'm sure that the other parents will be touched that you've responded so swiftly, & I hope their daughter doesn't give yours a hard time tomorrow. If their freindship weathers this hiccup, it may well be a strong one for life :-) . Will be thinking of you both tomorrow, with fingers crossed for a happy outcome. xx

Stephb1986_2

Well done you for dealing with this situation straight away instead of leaving it to fester. I think your daughter knows she has done wrong and tomorrow she will be really embarrased with the other girl involved hopefully she doesn't tell anyone else but you know what girls can be like!

But when you look at it if she has a really bad day tomorrow it will all be forgotten about come monday! I can understand her wanting to be more popular and wanting money like her friend has so I can see why she has done it, but when you look at it the other way is if people wern't her friend when she didn't have money then what sort of friends are they?

I don't have any "real" friends only the ones that come to me when they need something or want to borrow some money, I've wised up to them now and keep my distance.

Hopefully the other girl sees it as a mistake and will still be her friend it's only money at the end of the day. Kids are kids atleast it's over and done with now and she's not 15-16 going shop lifting (I'm not saying she would)

I'll keep my fingers crossed tomorrow for your daughter please let us know how she got on.

Steph xx

Oldernotwiser

sandy71 wrote: »

I'm probably going to get shot down for this but I really dont believe in pandering to her and sitting her down to talk it through. I tried it and it didn't work.

My DS was caught stealing at school so we did all that and then he was caught a second time doing it. My hubby took him straight to the local police station and asked for someone to talk to him. They found a sergant who came and took him to an interview room and really told him straight what would happen if he continued on this path. She was fantastic with him but also put the fear of god into him. She told him she never wanted to see him in her station again.

Its never happened again and yes he was scared and upset (so was I) but I believe we did the right thing. Even the sergant said "If more parents did this my cells wouldn't be so full"

Hope you get it sorted because it is a horrible feeling knowing your child is a thief.

I totally agree and I'm amazed that nobody on here has talked about punishment in any form! Paying the money back is essential but some form of discipline is in order as well.

Oldernotwiser

Stephb1986 wrote: »

Hopefully the other girl sees it as a mistake and will still be her friend it's only money at the end of the day.

I think it's insulting to describe theft over an extended period of time as "a mistake".

Stephb1986_2

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I think it's insulting to describe theft over an extended period of time as "a mistake".

I think your forgetting she is only 12, fair enough if she was a bit older but when your a kid you do stupid things we all do and did, are you telling me you never did anything stupid when you was a kid??

distaught

Thanks again to all.
I agree it was far more than a 'mistake', but I want to do the right thing regarding discipline and punishment, as I know it's a very tricky age and if I react the wrong way, it could have serious consequences, ie her deciding to run away etc etc.....

I have decided to have a jar in the kitchen that I will put money in, whenever I ask her to do a chore and it will remain there until the money is repaid, so the jar being there will be a reminder to her of the seriousness of the situation. I said to her, she was very lucky they didn't call the police, that frightened her.

Still amazed that she thought no one would notice! I suppose that's her age. I am really disgusted with her though and here was me having a conversation with my elder daughter earlier, saying how lucky I was that my 2 girls had turned out to be such pleasant and well behaved kids!

slummymummyof3

Do you give her pocket money?

distaught

not a set amount each week or anything, if she wanted to go to the cinema or swimming or whatever, I would just give her what she needed and I also top up her phone etc, she would do car washing and dog walking and earn money that way. Her sister recently started getting EMA of £30 a week, which we have all talked about what a massive amount that is for any child, so I would imagine she has been quite envious of that, although it never occurred to me at the time....