Don't know what to do for the best...

red_devil

The oh has cracked and wept and begged forgiveness and apologised and promised never to do it again. He says he felt so unloved in our marriage

really so everyone that feels unloved puts bisexual adverts etc on the net?

sarymclary

rjc - I have only just found your thread, and really feel for you. What an absolutely dreadful situation to be in. I'm another one of those surviving women, who had to face life on her own, with her children after a long marriage, didn't think I could cope, and have, so be reassured that lots of us are able to move on, even when life seems to have kicked us in the teeth.

My immediate thoughts though are, get to a doctor, which I'm pleased to see you are now doing. You need to get fully tested for STI's (including HIV). Do not even consider being coaxed into any sexual activity with your OH until he has also had a full STI screening, and made you privy to those results.

Your description of how he reacted after coming home and asking matter of factly if you were OK, then being upset that you mentioned you weren't, is so familiar to me, that it made me smile wryly. He's looking for you to forgive and forget, so he can just get on with life, and you'll stop making things so awkward. Mine used to say he wasn't going to bother coming home unless I stopped talking about 'stuff'. Very mature.

From the little snippets that you initially mentioned, prior to knowing he'd been unfaithful (do you know if it's with a man or woman, and whether they're in a high risk category?), it sounds like there have been a number of issues going on in the background, and not just about you being an 'ice queen'. You've noticed him ageing, and clearly you've altered from the 25 y/o you once were, and children change the dynamics in any relationship/family. You gave him the opportunity to start again after his 1st wife, and sounds like he got a younger model in you too, but even that hasn't been enough for him. It could be the classic case of him liking to have the security of a homelife to return to, but is constantly in need of the buzz of something new, a new adventure, a new conquest, a bit of danger, or whatever floats his boat. Whether this is a flaw in his character that cannot be altered, or one that you can be prepared to tolerate in the coming years, will be up to you. Unfortunately, the opportunity to be unfaithful has never been more easy to organise now that we have the internet.

There are couples who have been able to overcome infidelity within their relationship, and to progress to have something more solid after working through it. I know that I am not capable of that kind of moving on, and forgive and forget aren't part of my nature, but I do admire those that can, whilst also wondering if that makes them maybe a little more weak too? There's a connundrum.

I wish you well, and hope you find some peace in your heart soon. I'm glad you were able to confide in your mum, and will find some good support for yourself. Take care, and know that there are kind people out in cyberspace thinking of you.

rjc73

Thanks sarymclary, the support on this board is amazing. I'm so thankful to everyone who has posted.
He rang from work to say our relate appointment is booked for weds am but I am not feeling hopeful. Last night I tried to say to him that he was being too nice around me and I felt like he was trying to brush it all under the carpet a bit and that I felt that I hadn't been feeling likeanything was worth it (going for councilling) and that I hadn't decided what to do yet and he immediately came back and said he hadn't decided what to do yet either...meaning stay with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Am I missing something here??
Maybe I am too raw to think straight but this really pee'd me off.
Have had a few minutes where I haven't felt cripplingly ill today. Think it is sinking in .

Money_maker

Yes, he's a selfcentred knob...

But you feel you have to try relate so wednesdays not too far away.

It may help you to come to a decision when you attend and all you hear him talk about is me, me, me.

Good luck.

new_day_2

For what its worth I just want to add my support to you, you must be going through hell. Being cheated on is my worst fear. Even if its a totally selfish act on the man's behalf who isn't giving your feelings a moment's consideration, it brings into question so many doubts in relation to your own self worth.... I'm not enough for him, I'm not attractive enough, I'm overweight etc. If only men (and women - they can be unfaithful too) would realise its not 'just sex' with another person and it meant nothing, the damage and pain of betrayal cuts deep into the core of the innocent party.

Give Relate a chance, professionals have a way of helping you see things with clarity, and whichever way things go for you, you will at least know that you gave your marriage every opportunity of survival. Good luck.

swiss69

What I will never understand is why anyone would settle for 2nd best?

All this crying and begging for forgiveness is pathetic in my opinion.

He has slept with another and for all you know it could have been with another man!

Why do so many women who know what the right course of action is, stick in there and let their men continue to walk over them?

He may be a good dad as you say but he can still be a good dad from wherever he is living. He is clearly not a good husband!!!

rjc73

Well, another update.
This morning we had a session with a relate woman which was very interesting and threw up lots of challenging ideas about whys and hows. I feel better and stronger now and we will have as many sessions as it takes. I want to be able to say, if I do walk away, I did my best to work at our marriage and I can come out fighting.
We had a good chat last night, well, I did most of the talking and if this relationship is going to go anywhere, it can't go back to what it was. He is going to go away for a few days next week while my mum comes to stay and he is going to need to visit the gum clinic and be issued with a clean bill of sexual health.
He looked at me agog when I suggested this but I did point out that I have no idea where he has been and wouldn't believe him anyway.
At the moment I still feel like I will walk away, I still believe he would do it again but I need to know 100% sure of myself and that will take a little while.

Tom1234

Good on you for making those decisions. Well done

jenhug

That is a very sensible and level headed post. take your time and well done.
All the best for the future.

Kandipandi

Totally agree, you have handled this tremendously well, good for you.