Don't know what to do for the best...

graemecarter

Do not do anything rash. A decision of this magnitude needs to be reached rationally, not just emotionally. You need time, space, and someone to talk to. Please call Relate etc - marriages are complex things, and cannot be fixed quickly.
This doesn't excuse his behaviour, but for the sake of you and your children, do not make big decisions now, as the ramifications for you and your children could be immense if they are reached in anger.

Good luck - you have our support.

rjc73

Thank you all for the lovely support. I am still completely shell shocked. Apparently he is going to sort out relate. Last night he came in from work and just "hi, ok?" like everything is normal and when i said no not really, he when "right!" and stomped out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????

I feel that he's just not taking me seriously, like I can just get over it as long as I want to make our relationship better...like the infidelity and the lying and the betrayal and the utter lack of respect is not that bad!!!!

He says he knows he has made a mistake.But in the next breath he says I don't know what else to say.
I don't think I can risk this all again...I think he would do it again given half a chance.

I think if I asked him to go away for a few days, I wouldn't want him back. Because I can never ever trust him again now. There seems to be no point in trying to fix a marriage when something so fundamental is gone.

Thank you all again, I will keep popping back when I can as this is steadying me and helping me think more clearly.

xxx

Tom1234

I think if I asked him to go away for a few days, I wouldn't want him back. Because I can never ever trust him again now. There seems to be no point in trying to fix a marriage when something so fundamental is gone.

That may well be the case, but you're going to need that space from him to reach a rational decision on the matter. At the moment I would expect you're still feeling very emotional about the situation, and that will not help you decide what you want.

Make no mistake, it's your choice what to do, so give yourself the time you need to make it without feeling pressured.

rjc73

Well, after a week I still feel like I have been run over. OH just keeps asking me what I am thinking all the time and I don't know what to say. Part of me thinks I should just kick him out and cope but part of me thinks I should at least give it chance to see if there is anything left of the relationship and whether professional help will give us the chance to see if we can move forward. I just don't know.

I had a chat with my mum and told her everything this morning which has helped. Good old mum knew something was up!

Its true that when they say your heart is breaking it really physically hurts.

maggied_2

(((((((rjc))))))

It must be horrible living in this limbo. Has he spoken anymore about what's gone on?
Has he made any moves towards contacting Relate?

I've done this 'existing' bit before and it doesn't work. I do think you should ask him to stay somewhere else for a few days to allow you to make some decisions. Doesn't have to be permanent but it's very difficult to gain any perspective when you're having to get by with the day to day crap.

C xx

rjc73

Thanks maggied ,
we're no further on...its was impossible over the weekend with the little ones around but he has a day off work tomorrow and they are both at school so I guess we can talk some more.

He hasn't got in touch with relate...sadly this makes me think he is washing his hands of the whole thing. Surely if he truly wanted to fix the marriage he would already have sorted out an appointment!!

I think he is waiting for me to choose what to do. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't really.

cloverfan

rjc73, (((((((hugs))))))))) I am sorry to say he sounds very much like my ex, I have spent 16 yrs making excuses for his behaviour and defending him and he was never any good at anything but i loved him. i loved him more than life itself at times. and never ever once did he ever think of anyone other than himself. He cheated physically and emotionally. My children aged 12 and 14 sat me down the last time and told me they didnt like how their dad treated me and did i know we would be ok on our own? they would help with the house and the little ones...and i found the strenth and do you know what? i have had the best 8 months of my life....me and the kids have so much fun now, BUT it took me a long time to come to that point in my life.
Only you know how you feel hun, I hope you have the strenth to do what is best for you and your children who will be fine with whatever you decide,mine have amazed me with how well they have coped. also children learn alot from others at school so they will probably be more clued up than you realise.
I have been on the bankruptcy forum and never knew this one was here but i wish i had known about it b4.......we are always here if ever u need someone xx

Pssst

Listen RJC...hes a man and certaibn types of men who have been in LTRs become almost paralysed and incapable of independent thought,word and deed. This is becuase their partners look after them too well. I STRONGLY suggest that you tell OH that he needs some space on his own for a while so that HE can decide what he wants and also YOU can decide without him moping round the house. To this end,suggest that by X date he finds a mate to room with,rents a room short term or rents a flat.

That way,at least something has been decided and you can both independantly move on and decide if you both want to bother trying again.

My feeling is that it isnt worth bothering with but you know better.

rjc73

Right, well some progress has been made. I still feel shocking but I am going to the doctors tonight to see if I can get some help. I feel that I'm not coping with the situation at all and my mum is desparate for me to go. The oh has cracked and wept and begged forgiveness and apologised and promised never to do it again. He says he felt so unloved in our marriage but couldn't walk away.
I have agreed to go to relate, he has booked an appointment and we will see if it is possible to repair any of the damage. There will be no quick fixes and I don't know if I can ever fogive him for betraying me and breaking my heart but I have to know for my sanity that even if it all goes to pot and we have to separate, at least we tried to mend our relationship.
I still feel sick to my stomach but I have to start making some desicions.

red_devil

rjc73 wrote: »

Hi there,
I don't really know where to start. My oh and I are not in a very good place at the moment and yesterday I found a profile page on a 'dating' website where he has left his details requesting all manner of sexual activity and stating that he is bisexual. :eek:

I just don't know how to go bout dealing with this....does anyone have any experience like this???

I am slightlyflabberghasted and very upset

Just to add the majority of our problems in communication stem from his complete inability to control his cash...just to keep it ms!!

another !!!!!!!! who thinks shagging around is better than the stability/relationship he has!

Let him go if thats what he thinks of his relationship with you and the worth he puts on it. Pound to a penny he will never find happiness asking for sex with people on sites.