Don't know what to do for the best...

maggied_2

rjc - I had to delete my original reply.

I don't think a family day out is the *best* idea right now. I have some other ideas but don't think you'll want to hear them!

I can understand if you want to forgive him and keep your family together but what he has done cannot be put right with a day at the park.

rjc73

Minxy_Bella wrote: »

I can't think of anything worse to put yourself through than a 'happy families' day out, honey, when you've got all this going around your head. I think maybe he can take the kids out by himself

The fact is, he's done this before, to his first wife. Now he's done it to you. You're either going to let him get away with it now, so that he'll do it time and time again or you make a choice to put yourself and your children first and make a break. I know, if I was advising someone else, I'd be saying exactly the same thing!

Some men will take several miles if you give them an inch.

Its hard to watch a man sobbing saying he couldn't leave the girls after he left the 1st wife and child.
I don't want to set this example to mine by 'allowing' this behaviour.

mummy_Jay

Tell him to go away for a few weeks, you need time to think with out him in your face. Even if in the end you decide to stick it out and got to relate you need time without him around so you no its your choice and that your not pressured into staying in it.

If you want a day out on saturday, make it you and the kids, if he wants to leave you some money to pay for it thats fine but he's not welcome to join you. You need space to get your head around what has happened and what will be best for you and the kids.

The world does not revolve around him, even if he thinks it does.

Big hug

rjc73

maggied wrote: »

rjc - I've just been through this thread again and noticed your OH 'unfriended' you on facebook. !!!!!!???

Did he explain why?He had an account under his real name and he said he didn't really use it What very odd behaviour - he clearly has something to hide.

How long have you been together?Married 11 years Has anything like this happened before? How old are your children?5 and 6.5

I feel you're being treated shoddily here and am very angry on your behalf.

Also minxy is correct - he's doing the typical "been caught out" act.

Throwing his hands up "OK, I admit it, I cheated, you made me do it you massive b*tch (did you not pander to his over sized ego enough? - poor wickle him), hey let's go to Relate". Grrrr!

He should be on his knees and out on his a*se.

Thanks for your anger!!
I know in my heart of hearts you are all right!
I am just so shocked now

Minxy_Bella

rjc73 wrote: »

Its hard to watch a man sobbing saying he couldn't leave the girls after he left the 1st wife and child.
I don't want to set this example to mine by 'allowing' this behaviour.

I know, darling and you still love the best bits of him. When I finally plucked up the courage to leave my ex, he cried and sobbed and screamed and threatened me for hours (long story). Plus the tears and protests of a guilty man are always louder than those of the innocent.

Of course, he's going to try to manipulate you into staying. He does love you - he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. But this isn't a one-off, drunken mistake, lovey - it's his chosen lifestyle.

And you're so right - your children will be watching you closely to see how you conduct yourself during this difficult time. I know mine did. Thank God I'm a good actress and never let them see I was dying inside.

I do feel for you, hun - your whole world has been ripped apart. It's not going to be repaired by him saying sorry a million times.

Can your friend come over today to be with you?

(HUGS))

septemberblues

After reading this I just wanted to send you some ((((hugs))))

SB

rjc73

Thanks minxy bella
My lovely sea78 is sadly 200 miles away but to be honest I am better on my own...I am free to weep copiously at any time rather than trying not to iyswim.

Am worried about the kids though...the eldest is devoted to her daddy and I will struggle to think of what to say to her. She is hyper sensitive and has asked me twice if daddy and me would get divorced.
I am not a weepy person generally so feel I will be ok to protect them from the enormity of my feeling.
Actually this is why I am the ice Queen!! I am too good at hiding my feelings.

Minxy_Bella

rjc73 wrote: »

Thanks minxy bella
My lovely sea78 is sadly 200 miles away but to be honest I am better on my own...I am free to weep copiously at any time rather than trying not to iyswim.

Am worried about the kids though...the eldest is devoted to her daddy and I will struggle to think of what to say to her. She is hyper sensitive and has asked me twice if daddy and me would get divorced.
I am not a weepy person generally so feel I will be ok to protect them from the enormity of my feeling.
Actually this is why I am the ice Queen!! I am too good at hiding my feelings.

Ok - I know what you mean about being on your own. It does help sometimes.

My eldest was exactly the same - she was 8 at the time I left her dad but you know, she was absolutely fine...maybe because I told her really calmly what was happening and didn't rant and rave in front of her. She did see me weep a little (couldn't help it) but that was ok as she realised that I wasn't sodding off and leaving her dad on a whim. 7 years later, she understands totally why we left as she's remembered loads of stuff that she couldn't really process at a younger age.

Your kids will be fine, lovely - so long as your OH remains involved in their lives. My kids haven't seen their dad for 4 years :rolleyes:

PS You are NOT the Ice Queen. When I'm huffed, I am!

cleopatra4485

I really wouldn't stay with him just for your childrens sake, when a relationship is broken and you have no trust and unhappy, that could be more damaging for them, than staying together.

Its hard to seperate from someone, especially when you have been together for a long time and it may just be comfortable rather than love now. But once you get past that pain barrier its wonderful, but you know in your heart or hearts what you must do.

all the best

Kandipandi

cleopatra4485 wrote: »

I really wouldn't stay with him just for your childrens sake, when a relationship is broken and you have no trust and unhappy, that could be more damaging for them, than staying together.

I totally agree with this - the easiest route would be to get these next few weeks over and drift back into this damaged relationship, but that is not the best route.
In your position I would rather be the one to take control now and make decisions for you and your children. If you leave this, and he does eventually meet someone else and he decides to leave anyway you get no say in that at all.
You have to look at what has happened and if you decide that you deserve better (which you do!!!!) - then its time to make a change and set the groundwork for a better life for you and your kids. Would it be better for your children to see you change into an emotional wreck full of self loathing and constant worry and doubt, just so that you can all live in the same house?
I have been through a divorce years ago and my kids were 2 and 6, and I asked myself "can you sit down with your children say in 10 years time and explain what happened honestly and feel that you did this for the right reasons and for their wellbeing?" and I was able to answer yes - which I think you can too.
(((((((((Hugs))))))))))