Day by day...

churchrat

hi
I have read thro your thread and wanted to add something, but havn't because it always came out trite and superficial. Then I decided that I wouldn't be able to say anything to anyone if I always worried about how I might be recieved, so I'll just say it anyway.
So--
my oh is a religous man, and when younger did start on the road to being a priest. As an Irish catholic boy it was a very acceptable life to choose, and he has family members who are in the religous life, both as priests and nuns. My ds 1 god mother is now a Poor Claire and a very good friend of my eldest child has recently joined a monastry--whether or not he will stay remains to be seen.

My oh is very involved with his faith on an every day, living -the-life level. He does a lot for the diocese and for the local church, community and school (I do as well, but I am not catholic)

My eventual point that I am struggling to make is that although he thought that the life of a religous was for him, it did not turn out in quite the way he expected. He serves God in a way that he did not forsee when the very wise abbot at the seminary told him to get some life behind his belt before he made his final choice. He was upset at the time and has said that he really did intend to go back, but it seems that God had different ideas.

I have no idea how life will treat you, but God has given you this experience for a reason and maybe he has plans for you that you just don't understand at the moment.
Perhaps, as the others have said, that to be truly happy when you have made the decision to be apart from the world you first have to know what you will give up. You must be running TO something and not AWAY from something. It sounds from your posts that the religous life was not a choice you made, but rather an option that prevented the outside world from touching you.

I am sure that all came across as being really patronising and I hope that I have not offended you, that was never my intention.

You know what they say? If you want to make God laugh tell Him your plans!!!!!!!!!!

faithcecilia

Just a 'quickie' today. I haven't read todays posts, been to Holywell, had a nice day, lots of walking etc. Unfortunately I now feel like 'everything' is catching up with me (probably because I have actually relaxed) and am rapidly coming down with the plague or something similar - okay, probably just a cold:p:rolleyes: so its a nice hot bath for me, then most probably the duvet in front of the telly til bed.

Catch up properly tomorrow I hope.

ceridwen

Just wondering how you are doing Faith?

Hope your sleep starts to improve soon - perhaps it will as things come clearer in your mind hopefully...

'Course I've spent intervals today thinking of the other way of looking at things - as in I think (maybe) that the biggest challenge in leading the way of life of a nun could possibly be not having the access those of us out here "in the World" have to the huge variety of "distractions" available to us: shopping we dont really want to do/relationships we dont really want to have/drinking too much/etc/etc - as in many people use pretty much anything to hand to draw their own attention away from "facing themselves". There is a void at the heart that we can either choose to fill with something life-enhancing/purposeful/deliberately chosen - or try our best to ignore and distract ourselves with whatever is available that can be used for that.

So - there's challenges wherever one is - its just which particular challenges one faces. There will be ones in or out of the Convent - they will just differ in type.

For some people - then the settled routine/general way of life of a Convent would drive them to distraction somewhere along the line. For others - it would free their mind to focus on more Important Things.

Only you know which side of that particular "fence" you come on.

So - I reckon it will all become totally clear over the next few months how things are in many ways.

....thinks....ceridwen wanders off again hoping I havent "spoken out of turn" - and do excuse me if I "muddle my words" and dont quite come over as I mean to...

I well know the same way of life isnt suitable for all - in a quite different context - having spent many years earlier in my life with people telling me that I would "change my mind" on my decision never to have children - and feeling intensely frustrated that they wouldnt believe I meant it. I did - I do - but it took years to convince other people that I well knew my own mind on it and really HAD made that definite decision never to have any - and I do what I can to sympathise with those in a younger agegroup that send me PMs occasionally in which they express anger/frustration that people wont believe them either about that.

23rdspiral

wise words from lots of people here. good to hear. the 'running to' concept is probably one of the wisest things i've heard in a long time. its good to check in with yourself whatever your path and check that once in a while i think.

your nunnery looks lovely cecelia, really peaceful and calm. I can understand why you ache to be back there.

On a personal level, I really liked the explanation of their philisophy on the emphasis on prayer and how personal creatity, learning and reflection would fuel the prayer time. I myself know my sould is not happy and the depression starts to leak back in if i dont give myself time to think, unwind, ponder and create. So thank you for leading me to those thoughts.

faithcecilia

Sorry for my absence. The cold never arrived, but I have had a terrible couple of days, ending up with an 8hr crying marathon last night/early hours of today. I was just begging my 'frandlord' to drive me down, which he eventually agreed to do just not until we had both had some sleep. Obviously by the time I got up (sleep is still rare - going to try drs tomorrow) my common sense had kicked in and I knew there was no point.

Instead I went to my counselling. I told het briefly what had happened and she said 'Well I'm not going to do EMDR with you today, you'll only end up in floods of tears' well i wasn't happy with that as I had only actually gone to the session today for the EMDR - I felt so bad I didn't want to go to just talk - and had we not done it, its unlikely we would have completed that therapy before I move - she is, initially at least, continuing to be my counsellor, doing it by phone and possibly the occassional face to face session.

The bit I don't like in counselling is when after we have talked about something and she then goes 'so how are you feeling?' So I told her politely but truthfully that I was cross that she wouldn't do the EMDR because that was why I had come on a day I felt so terrible, to have the treatment that she has promised will give me good, fast results!

She explained that it can be a very traumatic experience and didn't want to upset me for the sake of it, but I told her I wasn't afraid of that, or of how difficult and painful it might end up being. In the end she sgreed to do it and just see how I got on - we could always stop.

At the endof the session she said I had done amazingly well, that she really hadn't thought I would be able to cope with it but did, and managed to bring it round to what we know the real problem to be in just one session.

I am so glad I went, and that I pushed her a bit to do it - she said I was right to!

daska

well done you, many congratulations definitely in order!:T

best of luck at the GP's tomorrow - I hope s/he can help with the sleeping etc.

went to M&S today and MIL bought herself a fabulous red coat, seems they're all the rage at the moment

ceridwen

..and sometimes (often:rolleyes:) life is "two steps forward, one step back" - and you just have to remind yourself "oh well.....at least its ONE step forward overall".

Hope that you can get a handle on that sleep - I'm sure you'll feel a lot better once you're sleeping better. Please just be a bit cautious about any idea of sleeping tablets - as in only temporarily - just to get yourself back into the idea again - but not long enough to become dependant on them. I guess you've tried the "natural" methods? - sleep hygiene/warm milk (with a bit of nutmeg grated on top)/herb pillows...etc already???

ceridwen

23rdspiral wrote: »

your nunnery looks lovely cecelia, really peaceful and calm. I can understand why you ache to be back there.

On a personal level, I really liked the explanation of their philisophy on the emphasis on prayer and how personal creatity, learning and reflection would fuel the prayer time. I myself know my sould is not happy and the depression starts to leak back in if i dont give myself time to think, unwind, ponder and create. So thank you for leading me to those thoughts.

That I understand - many people "fight a running battle" with depression at one level or another and keep going with a mixture of "a backbone of steely willpower" and a Faith of some description. The need to do something creative is something that I ignored for many years - but it is actually vital to many people. If one doesnt give oneself time to "unwind, ponder and create" then one is just "racing through life" - but without learning anything from it/getting anything from it.

faithcecilia

Saw the doc and got 3 sleeping tablets:rolleyes: I've been an insomniac for 14yrs, and in that time have had about 6 courses (usually a week) of tablets - usually I can just relax enough that not actually sleeping doesn't matter, but 3 just made me smile - I am so glad i don't pay for my prescriptions!

Feeling fragile and teary, common after EMDR, but okay. Suddenly yesterday I could see where one of my biggest problems had come from and I am so suprised, yet it now seems obvious.

I am going to miss my counsellor when I move, even though I am continuing by phone, it just won't be the same.

floss2

faithcecilia wrote: »

...... Suddenly yesterday I could see where one of my biggest problems had come from and I am so suprised, yet it now seems obvious.......

But your head has been so full of "stuff" and clouded by the emotions surrounding that issue, that you haven't been able to see it until the clouds have been parted & partially lifted by the therapy. I guess the next step is working out how to deal with that particular issue...?

Hope you got some sleep,

Floss xx