19 year old son's girlfriend to stay over?

Doom_and_Gloom

OP you may not like my following post but it is my honest opinion.

To me I see it as he is over 16 and is legally allowed to have sex if you like it or not. The fact that he is over 18, as he is 19, also says he is an adult and so you should be encouraging him to be an adult. He has his 'den' to be an adult and as such should be able to have whoever he wants over when he wants to if you see what I'm saying. If he is with a girl in there then that is his own choice and business. He is certainly old enough to live his own life. Having parents that are not able to see that you are an adult won't be benifitial to a young adult that needs to find their way on their own. If he makes mistakes then he does, you need to make a few in life and you can't 'protect' your 'child' for life .

As to your daughter that you said no to at 18 if I had been her I would
have been very angry. She was an adult and you didn't treat her as such. I don't know what your daughter thought but personally I would have thought my parents didn't trust my judgement and still thought of me as a child. In short I would have been very angry and upset that they didn't see me as an adult. It may be your house and I understand that you might be a little uncomfortable about it all, but when your child becomes an adult surely you want them to grow as a person .

Personally when I was 16 I started going out with my now fiance when he was 19 (we're now 20 and 23). At first my parents asked for him to sleep in the spare bedroom but when it became very obvious we were in an adult relationship they didn't mind that he slept in my room. To be honest my parents never really said he could sleep in my room as the first time he did he fell asleep in my room watching a movie and didn't wake untill the morning , however they also didn't make the spare bedroom up when he came over after that :rotfl: (that was only after a few weeks of being together). As it was about 16 weeks of being with him we moved into a flat(share) together so it wasn't that big a deal (although we are back at my parents now and we share a bedroom still). If I had been over 18 when I first started going out with him they wouldn't have asked him to stay in the spare bedroom first due to me being an adult.

tandraig

been through this issue three times now!! DD1 was over eighteen and she was serious about her bf so we were ok with him sleeping over with her. (my mum tho was horrified when she found out and stated she never allowed my Oh to stay over - I just laughed and told her we used his car instead). DS1 made the mistake of not asking and i was surprised by his 'friend' the next morning when i waltzed out of the bathroom without a stitch on. that resulted in a serious talking to about common courtesy. he was allowed to have his now partner sleep over after I phoned her mum as she was only sixteen. DS2 was fine with his partner sleeping over after i made sure she was of age too. but - at the end of the day its your house and your rules and you have to be comfortable with the person sleeping over too.

babymoo

I'm 22, I live with my mum and as parents go she's awesome. I have always obeyed my mum's house rules but that being said they've always been pretty lax. Anyway point is mum has always said no boys staying over until I'm in a stable relationship. She has to meet them and like them and be comfortable with them before they are allowed to stay over. She also knows that at 22 years old and indeed when I was younger (first boyfriend stayed over at 18) that IF I am going to have sex I will do so in the house or not. I realise it is slightly different with me, I am infertile so there is no risk of getting pregnant but before we knew this I was always very careful. Talk to your son, tell him you want to meet his girlfriend and this way you will then be happy for her to stay over when you have established a relationship with her? Just a suggestion.

Errata

Kids today miss out on so much. Half the fun of 'courtship' used to be parking in a quiet country lane and hopping onto the back seat of the car
I can also recommend Southport beach

Lokolo

Errata wrote: »

Kids today miss out on so much. Half the fun of 'courtship' used to be parking in a quiet country lane and hopping onto the back seat of the car
I can also recommend Southport beach

I can name a number of decent spots around my home town.

I didn't study geography for GCSE but I know a hell of a lot of places nowadays

Also, NEVER try the cinema carpark. Even at midnight. People still walk around it! :cool:

tiptoes27

Doom_and_Gloom wrote: »

OP you may not like my following post but it is my honest opinion.

To me I see it as he is over 16 and is legally allowed to have sex if you like it or not. The fact that he is over 18, as he is 19, also says he is an adult and so you should be encouraging him to be an adult. He has his 'den' to be an adult and as such should be able to have whoever he wants over when he wants to if you see what I'm saying. If he is with a girl in there then that is his own choice and business. He is certainly old enough to live his own life. Having parents that are not able to see that you are an adult won't be benifitial to a young adult that needs to find their way on their own. If he makes mistakes then he does, you need to make a few in life and you can't 'protect' your 'child' for life .

As to your daughter that you said no to at 18 if I had been her I would
have been very angry. She was an adult and you didn't treat her as such. I don't know what your daughter thought but personally I would have thought my parents didn't trust my judgement and still thought of me as a child. In short I would have been very angry and upset that they didn't see me as an adult. It may be your house and I understand that you might be a little uncomfortable about it all, but when your child becomes an adult surely you want them to grow as a person .

Personally when I was 16 I started going out with my now fiance when he was 19 (we're now 20 and 23). At first my parents asked for him to sleep in the spare bedroom but when it became very obvious we were in an adult relationship they didn't mind that he slept in my room. To be honest my parents never really said he could sleep in my room as the first time he did he fell asleep in my room watching a movie and didn't wake untill the morning , however they also didn't make the spare bedroom up when he came over after that :rotfl: (that was only after a few weeks of being together). As it was about 16 weeks of being with him we moved into a flat(share) together so it wasn't that big a deal (although we are back at my parents now and we share a bedroom still). If I had been over 18 when I first started going out with him they wouldn't have asked him to stay in the spare bedroom first due to me being an adult.

Thanks for the reply - you are wrong that I would not like what you said - that is exactly the reason I put on the original post so I could get the views of others. My husband and I are both in our early fifties and we would never have asked our parents if we could sleep together, but times have changed and it is good to get the views of young people. Adult children seem to stay home for alot longer these days due to economic reasons so it is something we have to learn to deal with.I think we had a gut reaction when our daughter asked and now feel that may have been a bit harsh. Thanks again to all

barnaby-bear

madcatwoman wrote: »

Thanks for all of your replies, some of which made me laugh! It is good to get the views of the youngsters as well. It does make me feel uncomfortable, and I am not sure why. He is nearly 20 and he is an adult. He is not in a very well paid job and I feel he could be living at home for many years to come, wheras his sister has a very good degree and a good job and will probably be moving out soon. I am not sure whe would ask now for her boyfriend to stay over as her bedroom is next to ours, but she did when she was younger and home from Uni for holidays. She has had two serious boyfriends, not with either of them now, and I did not want to bump into them on the landing in the morning!! My husband very very definate that my daughters boyfriend has to stay in the spare room, but as my sons room is not in the house, he is also unsure how he feels about it. He thinks he is not happy with it but is not sure what to do. In answer to one of your questions, he does pay rent. The den does not have a bathroom, so they do have to come into the house to use the bathroom. I think I am worried that he might not stay with this girl for more than a few weeks and we could then have a string of them staying over. Also, this girl lives on her own in a flat in a very rough area, does not seem to work much and lives on benefits and I would not want him staying up there or getting drawn into that lifestyle. We have never claimed any benefits as a family and feel uncomfortable with her way of life. Confused???

If this is the case to be honest you're better off with it going on under your roof with your rules and influence in place. Accepting her and having your values omnipresent better than having him hanging around at hers with whoever else she hangs around with, go on pull a sicky at work and stay with me since I don't have to work etc.... better to put on the front you are assuming it *is* serious (even if you don't believe it - present the idea that she is staying over and therefore it is a serious commited loving adult relationship) and have nice family sit down breakfasts, sunday lunch with grandma, invite her over for tea, show an interest in her..... any divide between a young couple no matter how insuitable unites them even if chalk and cheese.... under your roof you can check not staying up late drinking or skipping work.... perhaps the girl would blossom being around a family and values, better to drag her up rahter than push him into another sphere of influence....

barnaby-bear

madcatwoman wrote: »

Thanks for the reply - you are wrong that I would not like what you said - that is exactly the reason I put on the original post so I could get the views of others. My husband and I are both in our early fifties and we would never have asked our parents if we could sleep together, but times have changed and it is good to get the views of young people. Adult children seem to stay home for alot longer these days due to economic reasons so it is something we have to learn to deal with.I think we had a gut reaction when our daughter asked and now feel that may have been a bit harsh. Thanks again to all

Perhaps worth telling your daughter this and that you appreciate you are behaving differently and your experience with her has taught you something.....

Lunar_Eclipse

barnaby-bear wrote: »

Perhaps worth telling your daughter this and that you appreciate you are behaving differently and your experience with her has taught you something.....

I agree that I would tell your daughter (and loved how you put it fyi, very heartfelt). It will increase the respect she has for you and she will appreciate your honesty.

Gavin83

Slightly off topic, but as parent do you have a right to tell your child (presuming they are 16+) they are not allowed to stay the night at their boyfriend/girlfriends house, as well as your own?