Please help, partner spending my cash!

sarahs999

I agree about the 'telling dad' thing. It's been rankling with me since the first post. You sound like a 14-year-old! Shuoldn't have to resort to immature threats to sort out your relationship. I really hope it works for you but I wonder, what do you actually love about her at the moment?

Zazen999

angeleeyes wrote: »

Well, we talked about it, about to dart into a meeting at work but will update later.

We're still together, but she completely understands that this is it. I've spoken to a very good friend of mine about this situation (which I never thought I would do) and it's really a case of he will ensure I end this relationship should these events ever reoccur. That includes one missed standing order.

Standing order has been set up, pins have been changed, etc. I've offered to help her with budgeting and that there would be no future for us, no kids, no diamond ring, no mortgage or anything if she can't control her spending.

Felt pretty good putting my foot down to be honest!

I do find the whole 'dad' and 'friend' thing a tad weird. Why are you relying on others to do something if you cannot control your own relationship?

Very odd.

Gilly_flower

I'm a bit worried about the "dad" thing (unless this is a cultural issue we are unaware of).

Why should an adult woman in a relationship be worried by a call to her father?

Why would you (as a man) think that calling another man is a sanction against her? Will he "tell her off" like a child? Are you "in charge" of her? Is he?

You appear to acting and communicating in an adult to child way (you as the critical parent, her as the rebellious child). Perhaps you both need to work on adult to adult communication techniques. It is a PARTNERSHIP after all.

Good luck!

angeleeyes

Oh if anyone is mislead by my username, I set it up for the mrs a long time ago in an attempt to up the income. I'm a guy

Jesus Christ, I just wrote an essay about what happened and then it asked me to Log In, :mad: lost it all!

I'll summarise what I said but can't retrieve from pressing the !!!!!!! back button so forgive me for feeling like I can't be arsed.

Just to clear some things up

1) Her Dad/Grandma
Nobody in her family knows about her finance situation and she would be mortified if they found out, embarrassed is an understatement. I have a very good relationship with her dad (and the rest of the family). The only reason I would talk to her dad would be if she chose not to repay what she has borrowed. Yes it sounds childish, but he wouldn't hesitate to write me out a cheque. By that point however, I would know that she chose herself over our relationship and the relationship would be over. I have had to use this as a threat, but it is a threat I would carry out. She would then be on her own and have to repay her Dad, who believe me, she has far more respect for and wouldn't question repaying him.

2) Her friends
Her friends have no idea about the situation, she's too embarrassed (Yep I know, this is admitting that she knows it's wrong).

3) Last night's talk
We had a very long heated debate. Plenty of self pity and making me out to be the baddy to start with, but it soon hit home. The issues in our relationship is down to her. My insecurities are because of her, I cannot trust her and she has to earn this trust back. I was calm but very firm for the many hours this lasted. I felt like I was being tested on several occasions, though calling her bluffs soon fizzled out and she has finally realised that I have 'seen the light'.

4) The adult/child thing
Yep she acts like a spoilt brat at times but this is because I let her get her own way, I'm too good natured.

5) The ultimatum
She has been given the ultimatum to sort her act out. Relationships are based on equality which currently this one isn't. If she's not willing to change then so be it, the relationship is over. I can walk away from this relationship with my head held high knowing I made the right choice because she would have put herself and her priorities before our 5 year relationship.

However, if she decides to fix up her act, set up the standing order as promised, sort out her priorities and stop taking the !!!!, I feel that we could still have a future together. I hope that from this, I will gain her respect and all the other perks which in turn, will come with that. I blame myself for allowing it to get to this point, she obviously knew what she could get away with but has now realised that it has stopped. The fact she now knows I am at the breaking point with regards to walking out on her hit home last night, I've never seen her in such a state but still didn't allow myself to feel any form of pity towards her (even though it hurt to see her that way).

So, standing order has been set up, pins have been changed and cards are firmly in my wallet. We're going over finances the weekend and I'll be advising her of what she 'should' be spending on bitsnbobs and it's up to her if she wants to stick to it. She will have to learn how to deal with money herself.

I feel that there's a very small window of time for her to fix her act up before I walk out, I've spoken to my closest mate (who was shocked by this whole scenario) and he's basically going to be my fall back. Should I get the jitters and not stand up to my word, he'll set me straight. He's been a good mate for 7 years or so and I trust him with what he says. He knows we've got a good relationship (underneath all this) and can see that the issues we do have come down to the respect, which in turn affects things such as the money, insecurities & stress. I've never opened up to anybody before about our relationship and when I told her I have spoken to my mate about it, cue: jaw drop and further embarrassment.

If she loves me, she will change, then we can look to the future. There certainly wouldn't be any diamond rings, weddings, kids or a mortgage if she can't control her own spending.

The discussion ended in her apologising a lot and completely admitting it was her fault, she knows she's wrong.

It feels awkward between us now though. I feel 'blah' and she'll just turn around and say 'are you going to be like this with me all night', but it's how I feel. Should I make a concious effort to try to move things forward, positive reinforcement and all that.

RAS

angeleeyes wrote: »

We're going over finances the weekend and I'll be advising her of what she 'should' be spending on bitsnbobs and it's up to her if she wants to stick to it. She will have to learn how to deal with money herself.

Rather than you taking responsibilities for this, get her to come on here with her SOA and get some independent feedback on her budgets. That may take some of the strain of your relationship and help her grow up.

angeleeyes wrote: »

It feels awkward between us now though. I feel 'blah' and she'll just turn around and say 'are you going to be like this with me all night', but it's how I feel. Should I make a concious effort to try to move things forward, positive reinforcement and all that.

You feel how you feel. Would it help you to go for a long jog, game of footie, whatever physical activity you use to let off steam. You may find it easier to shift your emotions if you are active.

Dabooka

Stick to your guns.

My pal is in the same boat, his missus ended up racking 22k on credit cards which she's came clean about (this is after doing something similar a few years ago). This has effectively ended their marriage, which is truly awful, but it boils down to her spending beyond her means.

It's no good you fixing it all the time though, she has to address her problems and change her lifestyle and approach to money for good, or it'll become a cycle of hers that'll never be broken.#

Good luck.

angeleeyes

RAS wrote: »

You feel how you feel. Would it help you to go for a long jog, game of footie, whatever physical activity you use to let off steam. You may find it easier to shift your emotions if you are active.

I bought a bike today, that'll help!

Dabooka wrote: »

Stick to your guns.

My pal is in the same boat, his missus ended up racking 22k on credit cards which she's came clean about (this is after doing something similar a few years ago). This has effectively ended their marriage, which is truly awful, but it boils down to her spending beyond her means.

It's no good you fixing it all the time though, she has to address her problems and change her lifestyle and approach to money for good, or it'll become a cycle of hers that'll never be broken.#

Good luck.

Well even if she fixes up her act, our finances will be staying separate for as long as I can see. Not sure how that'll work with mortgage etc in future, no point thinking about that just yet though

I took it a little further and changed all my passwords etc just to be sure

sarahs999

Well done angeleyes. You have made some positive steps there.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

angeleeyes wrote: »

Oh if anyone is mislead by my username, I set it up for the mrs a long time ago in an attempt to up the income. I'm a guy

Jesus Christ, I just wrote an essay about what happened and then it asked me to Log In, :mad: lost it all!

I'll summarise what I said but can't retrieve from pressing the !!!!!!! back button so forgive me for feeling like I can't be arsed.

Just to clear some things up

1) Her Dad/Grandma
Nobody in her family knows about her finance situation and she would be mortified if they found out, embarrassed is an understatement. I have a very good relationship with her dad (and the rest of the family). The only reason I would talk to her dad would be if she chose not to repay what she has borrowed. Yes it sounds childish, but he wouldn't hesitate to write me out a cheque. By that point however, I would know that she chose herself over our relationship and the relationship would be over. I have had to use this as a threat, but it is a threat I would carry out. She would then be on her own and have to repay her Dad, who believe me, she has far more respect for and wouldn't question repaying him.

2) Her friends
Her friends have no idea about the situation, she's too embarrassed (Yep I know, this is admitting that she knows it's wrong).

3) Last night's talk
We had a very long heated debate. Plenty of self pity and making me out to be the baddy to start with, but it soon hit home. The issues in our relationship is down to her. My insecurities are because of her, I cannot trust her and she has to earn this trust back. I was calm but very firm for the many hours this lasted. I felt like I was being tested on several occasions, though calling her bluffs soon fizzled out and she has finally realised that I have 'seen the light'.

4) The adult/child thing
Yep she acts like a spoilt brat at times but this is because I let her get her own way, I'm too good natured.

5) The ultimatum
She has been given the ultimatum to sort her act out. Relationships are based on equality which currently this one isn't. If she's not willing to change then so be it, the relationship is over. I can walk away from this relationship with my head held high knowing I made the right choice because she would have put herself and her priorities before our 5 year relationship.

However, if she decides to fix up her act, set up the standing order as promised, sort out her priorities and stop taking the !!!!, I feel that we could still have a future together. I hope that from this, I will gain her respect and all the other perks which in turn, will come with that. I blame myself for allowing it to get to this point, she obviously knew what she could get away with but has now realised that it has stopped. The fact she now knows I am at the breaking point with regards to walking out on her hit home last night, I've never seen her in such a state but still didn't allow myself to feel any form of pity towards her (even though it hurt to see her that way).

So, standing order has been set up, pins have been changed and cards are firmly in my wallet. We're going over finances the weekend and I'll be advising her of what she 'should' be spending on bitsnbobs and it's up to her if she wants to stick to it. She will have to learn how to deal with money herself.

I feel that there's a very small window of time for her to fix her act up before I walk out, I've spoken to my closest mate (who was shocked by this whole scenario) and he's basically going to be my fall back. Should I get the jitters and not stand up to my word, he'll set me straight. He's been a good mate for 7 years or so and I trust him with what he says. He knows we've got a good relationship (underneath all this) and can see that the issues we do have come down to the respect, which in turn affects things such as the money, insecurities & stress. I've never opened up to anybody before about our relationship and when I told her I have spoken to my mate about it, cue: jaw drop and further embarrassment.

If she loves me, she will change, then we can look to the future. There certainly wouldn't be any diamond rings, weddings, kids or a mortgage if she can't control her own spending.

The discussion ended in her apologising a lot and completely admitting it was her fault, she knows she's wrong.

It feels awkward between us now though. I feel 'blah' and she'll just turn around and say 'are you going to be like this with me all night', but it's how I feel. Should I make a concious effort to try to move things forward, positive reinforcement and all that.

I learnt the hard way with an alcoholic oh that the only person you can expect to change is yourself. The Serenity Prayer hits the nail on the head. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I haven't read your full story, however reading this post of yours that Ive quoted, the whole responsibility of change has been placed on your oh. thats quite a thing for her to take on when she is possibly feeling a weight of guilt on her shoulders already, with threats being issued by yourself and presumably has issues of her own to be in this situation in the first place. No one is perfect in life, and I came to realise in my situation that it wasn't a case of my oh making me feel a certain way, it was that I allowed his situation to make me feel a certain way, so I was responsible for my reaction, not him. It is a hard place to be for both of you, and I wish you both well.

angeleeyes

I've had a look at her finances, figuring it all out, and I'm pretty certain she's not spending the money elsewhere. Here's a breakdown below.