Please help, partner spending my cash!

sp1987

Horace wrote: »

It certainly isn't normal to share pin numbers with people, even my soon to be ex husband didnt know my pin numbers nor I his. I had a separate account for my money and he had the same but we had a joint account for the mortgage which has been paid off now anyway. It also isnt normal to hand her your card when you get petrol either...its an invitation to steal.

I think this depends on the people concerned. I know my partners pin numbers and he knows mine, but we are both financially independant. I would never steal from him nor him me, and we owe money to one another for days at the most really. I know if he used my card he would check first and I have no problem with it, though he never has. I would never, ever demand to know his pin and expect the same from him.

I do not wish to have a joint account but not through lack of trust, just through the fact I like to know what I have to spend and he feels the same. Whatever we have after bills are paid is our own to save or fritter away. If we shared money we would end up never buying anything through not wanting to deprive the other of something they wanted.

I think the OP is being taken for a complete mug. He should have changed his pins the first time this happened without permission. If she needs her own safety net she needs her own credit card, because she cannot be trusted to only use his in an emergency. It is his money and his right to have all his financial affairs as he sees fit. i.e. private.

She sounds like an utter moron who stomps her feet when daddy might find out what a pratt she has been and how she has treated someone her father obviously likes.

People can change, many people don't, but some do. The important factor is to not let yourself be spiralled into tens of thousands of debt by somebody treating you as a human ATM. Give her the opportunity to pay you back on friday, it will make walking much easier if she lets you down on it for the 100th time. If she does not, ring her dad and let him deal with her tantrum over not getting her holiday money or whatever it is (is she 10?).

tallyhoh

OMG, I wish I could turn back the clock a few years & see what I can see now. Dont believe that this is the "only" issue in your relationship, lying & stealing are pretty grim issues.

What happens when the first flush of lust wears off & you realise you are stuck with an immature person that you have to look after like a child & you cant even trust them??

Spell it out, the bad behaviour stops, full stop. If she does it again - run like hell!!

brokemedic

You deserve to be treated so much better and not taken for granted.

You say you don't want to break up with her but she is treating you like a mug and clearly has no respect for you. Where is the understanding and respect in this relationship - there isn't any!! I actually was in a situation where I was looking after my (very ex) partner's money as I thought the only problem in the relationship was money. I was a mug not to have known better. It caused so much resentment and anger on his and my part. I also ended up feeling like his parent dishng out pocket money every week..:mad:.. The things we justify in the name of love!!
Not healthy.

At least you can do something about it now - get out.. It will be more difficult if you get married and have kids. The other thing that I realised was that I wasn't aware of how stressful the whole situation had been until we had broken up and I was no longer playing the role of bank manager. If you do end up splitting, it's not the end of the world.. though it probably won't feel like it at the time.. You don't need a leech, you need a partner who respects you..

Lula-Hula

angeleeyes wrote: »

Seriously, this is the only issue in our relationship, I couldn't break up with someone because they have no understanding of money.

She has suggested in the past that all her wages go into my account, I then work it all out (I have countless excel spreadsheets) and then basically transfer the £x spending money she has (Petrol, days out, food shopping).

Hmmm, you say that she has no understanding of money, but it seems to me that she understands all too well that other people will help her to live beyond her means. Owes money to her grandmother ? That really sucks.

Not trying to put you or your OH down but see my sig below ? Half of that debt was incurred by lending to, bailing out & paying off my EX OH & all his debts. He used to steal my cash card when I was asleep ( that was after we tried having his wages paid into my account in an attempt to curb his spending) & always had a 'valid reason' for needing the money & was always going to pay it back :rolleyes:. That was a long time ago now, but I'm still paying for it.

I would never let anyone know my card number again & it does contravene your agreement with the provider. Tell her Dad, get your money back & move on.

bluebag

Just think about it this way, you are the one on here seeking advice and trying to fix things. She's doing the spending. Something very wrong with that picture.

hettiecarro

Let her go - get out of there. You are heading for a lot of heartache.

I worry that you may have seen the light regarding the money issue - but you are NOT facing the fact that this relationship is heading for disaster.

Each time someone suggests leaving her you are very specific in your response - that you'll give her one more chance - and then tell her DAD? He has probably been funding her for years anyway!

Be very careful - or you'll be 90 and still asking for help! :eek:
You are obviously very afraid to leaave her - and that's understandable after 5 years - but you'll be amazed how you can get your life back.
Stop making excuses for her - she's not worth it.

Pull your head out of the sand.
Get it sorted - AND LEAVE HER - better still - make her leave or you'll never see any return from the property etc.

Redbedhead

I hope the conversation last night went well and she does actually make the payments she has promised. Sadly I am not convinced she will and I think long term even if you do manage to sort out the financial issues you need to look at other things such as trust and respect.

While I have had my husband's pin in the past, I can't remember it now and would never EVER dream of using it without him having asked me to do so. We have a joint account that I control and he seldom looks at and again, I wouldn't dream of taking cash out of there or making payments without my H knowing about it. It is a basic courtesy towards him and I would expect the same in return.

She seems very young and as if she doesn't really have an understanding about what is needed to make a relationship work. Until that is changed, I am not sure you have a future together although of course that is ultimately your decision.

Good luck

leanne82duke

angeleeyes wrote: »

Seriously, this is the only issue in our relationship, I couldn't break up with someone because they have no understanding of money.
.

hun you wouldnt be breaking up with her because she has no understanding of money, you would be breaking up with her because she has no respect for you and thinks she is getting an easy ride, theft is theft no matter which way you butter it up! x

i feel for you, and hope you get an outcome that you are happy with x

i went through a similar situation 7 years ago and i am down to the last £3000 of debt, he got credit for all sorts in my name including 2 credit cards and an argos card all to the grand tune of £28000 and i could never prove it was not me even after the police and solicitors were involved (we were not married).

i have since married and had 2 children and as a family we go with out luxuries just because of some selfish ***** !
it has put a big strain on our marriage because alot of the debt did not come to light until after i had remarried and it must have taken a huge amount of trust from my husband to believe me.

you really have to think of the long term implications of what she is doing aswell x

angeleeyes

Well, we talked about it, about to dart into a meeting at work but will update later.

We're still together, but she completely understands that this is it. I've spoken to a very good friend of mine about this situation (which I never thought I would do) and it's really a case of he will ensure I end this relationship should these events ever reoccur. That includes one missed standing order.

Standing order has been set up, pins have been changed, etc. I've offered to help her with budgeting and that there would be no future for us, no kids, no diamond ring, no mortgage or anything if she can't control her spending.

Felt pretty good putting my foot down to be honest!

KipKip_2

Good for you angeleyes

hope it works out for you