Please help, partner spending my cash!

angeleeyes

Hi all...

I'm in a very crap situation at the moment.

Current finances stand at this.
£1,000 on Credit Card 1 (0%)
£2,500 on Credit Card 2 (0%)
£500 Overdrawn

The £1000 card and £500 overdraft I can pay off in a few months, I've recently had a payrise and am able to throw £450 a month at debt.

I bailed my partner out of a sticky car finance situation 2 years ago and wrote this off, it was around £2000. Since then, she has borrowed money off me which now amounts to £2500. This has stayed at the figure for a long time and I used a balance transfer to a 0% card to keep the bank in tact.

Every month I check my bank statements, I can see my card has been used locally, paying for her nights out with friends and cash withdrawals near her work. It's not a joint account so she obviously takes the card.

I don't know what to do. I've tried everything, sorted her finances out saying 'This is what spending money you can afford each month' but she just ignores it and goes overdrawn/uses my card.

I love her to bits but don't know what to do. I'm so hurt by the fact she abuses my trust. I will be snapping up any cards I have tonight and she has promised to set up a standing order of £100pm as of next month to start repayments but I KNOW this won't ever happen. Only last week she was in tears saying how she will sort it out etcetc but I log into my account to see a £10 chinese bill (with her mates), £10 cash withdrawal and £10 shopping. So in a week £30.

I'm stressed with money, sick of it, what do I do? I want to pay the debt off and save for the future but can't because she keeps spending money she doesn't have. I couldn't end the relationship, and she's a lovely girl, but it's killing me.

Note, I've tried everything. Softly softly, tough love. Last resort is telling her dad (who would be very embarrassed as he is very good with money and transfer the money to me asap if he knew).

Knitty78

Cancel the cards (report them lost or damaged so you get sent news ones)/change the pin numbers? This will stop her having the ability to spend on them even if she takes them.

sarahs999

She sounds a right madam.

First, hide your cards. Keep them somewhere she can't find them.

Second, sit with her and set up the standing order. If she won't do it, she needs to and get her own flat, life, and wallet, and learn how to be a grown up.

Does she have any idea how much cash advances cost on a credit card? Obviously she doesn't care as you seem to have the attitude that she won't pay you back anyway - make her! And the interest!

ANd just out of interest, why did you give her your pin number? (Which you should also change as an added security).

angeleeyes

We know each others pin numbers, it's just common sense when you;re filling up with petrol or I ask her to grab some cash for me.

I will be cancelling my cards tonight.

As for setting up the standing order, supposedly she 'lost the pin computer thing' you need to set it up online (Nationwide).

What !!!!es me off is that debt against her name is only £800.

Did I make a huge mistake writing that £2,000 off early in our relationship?

bryanb

Shouldn't she be an ex-partner?

Knitty78

It might well make it easier at the petrol pump etc, but you can't trust her so you need to take the extra 30 seconds to make the payment yourself until such time she changes.

angeleeyes

bryanb wrote: »

Shouldn't she be an ex-partner?

It makes me feel this way, I couldn't break up with someone over something which can be resolved, it would be wrong.

We've been together nearly 5 years, she asks when we are going to be engaged etc.

My answer to that is "if I wasn't £x in debt, you'd probably have one".

I would have a very nice disposable income if I was single and this makes me think it over and over again, but I just couldn't.

I will be changing my pin after work. Can i do this on another banks cash machine (I bank with A&L and local cash-point is halifax)

Morgan_Ree

If I were you I wouldn't cut the cards up, I would change the pin and not mention it until she attempts to use it to pay for something

The humiliation of it (especially if it's infront of her mates who will be used to her splashing YOUR cash) would be too much

sarahs999

angeleeyes wrote: »

As for setting up the standing order, supposedly she 'lost the pin computer thing' you need to set it up online (Nationwide).

For the love of god! So she calls Nationwide and they set it up over the phone. Or she calls them and they resend the pin.

It sounds like she's extremely adept at wrapping you round her finger. I don't mean to sound rude, but for your own sanity, deal with it and her.

Tixy

You'll have to be really tough with her.

Take the cards off her and make sure she doesn't have access to them, keep them with you at all times, change your PIN and change your internet banking.

Do you live together? If so who pays for rent/utilities/etc etc? Are you financially linked in any way (joint financial products).

I would sit her down and tell her that things can't go on anymore like this. Tell her you love her but her spending is destroying the relationship, give her one last chance to change and start repaying money to you.

You may also want to consider getting a copy of your credit report to check she hasn't run up any bills/credit in your name (catalogues etc).

You say you are hurt by the fact she abuses your trust - well I should think she has lost your trust in her now, she has to prove herself to earn it back.

geri1965_2

I think you have made a rod for your own back here as you bailed her out early on and don't seem to have set down any boundaries, so she thinks it's OK to use your card whenever she needs it.

You don't need to cancel the card, you just need to stop her using it. Hide it and/or change the PIN no.

Why is it so hard for her to control her money and pay back what she owes you? I assume she has a job?