Please help, partner spending my cash!

gratefulforhelp_2

Gosh, this is really sad, but imagine if you had kids together, and she was untrustworthy?

spendingmad

OP - well done for making so many positive steps in such little time, your GF will find it hard to reduce her spends so much (as detailed above) so why dont you send her to the Old Style Boards etc to help her reduce food bills etc - go though her bills each week/month and whatever she has saved split 50/50 between herself (for 'treats') and debts, this may help her focus on reducing her spending and one day she may suggest all the money she saves goes against debts!!

Well done and goold luck in the future - enjoy your new bike!

spendingmad

Just quickly looking at her outgoings

Electric looks quite high - is this gas and elec / is it the best deal (Dont forget cashback if switching E-on doing £62 cashback on quidco)

Car Insurance - again is it best deal and dont forget cashback

Mobile phone - encourage her to cut down on spending

HTH's

josephine33960

Well done angeleeyes for putting your foot down, I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend 18months ago (we have been together 4 years, and still are but at one point we almost split). Like you I admit it was partly my fault for letting him know my PIN and 'lending' him money without ever really thinking or sitting down and planning how he would pay it back. Anyway to cut a long story short he ended up owing me about £1300 and was not putting in for the bills. My one bit of advice would be to double check all the bills are being paid as I did at one point get a summons for unpaid council tax which he was responsible for paying. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind so I insisted he repay me £50/week or the relationship would be over and he would have to move out, I also told him that I would not lend him anymore money no matter what the reason or how small the amount. The hardest part was sticking to this, he did give me the £50/week but I had got in the habit of just paying for things if he said he couldn't afford, there were times in the first couple of months where I refused to 'lend' him money till payday and so we went without bread/milk/teabags when it was his turn to buy them (I had plenty at work and treated myself to some lovely lunches!) this really did the trick and taught him to manage his money a bit better . You will find it tough but if she really loves you this might just give her the wake up call she needs, as people will continue to push the boundaries if you let them. We will probably never have a joint bank account as the tempatation of any money just sitting there would be too much for him! but we are now very happy and have a lot more respect for each other. I hope things work out for you, just remember to stay strong and stick to everything you have said

angeleeyes

spendingmad wrote: »

Just quickly looking at her outgoings

Electric looks quite high - is this gas and elec / is it the best deal (Dont forget cashback if switching E-on doing £62 cashback on quidco)

Car Insurance - again is it best deal and dont forget cashback

Mobile phone - encourage her to cut down on spending

HTH's

We left the meter reading for a good year and realised that their estimates were less than we were using (no idea how because we're bloody brilliant on switching off standby's etc). Havent really looked into switching just yet but will do that over the weekend. Worried though, as we've upped the direct debit to make up for the 1500 units and they may well ask for it to be paid as a final bill. Big question mark there! Oh and yes, it's all electric, we don't have gas

Car insurance - yep best deal, sadly I got 3 points a few years ago which bummed us both an extra £85 a year

Mobile phone - no chance. She doesn't stop using the thing to text her sister and mum (who live 200miles away). Needs to have unlimited texts and a fair few minutes, so you're looking at around £35 a month.

josephine33960 wrote: »

Well done angeleeyes for putting your foot down, I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend 18months ago (we have been together 4 years, and still are but at one point we almost split). Like you I admit it was partly my fault for letting him know my PIN and 'lending' him money without ever really thinking or sitting down and planning how he would pay it back. Anyway to cut a long story short he ended up owing me about £1300 and was not putting in for the bills. My one bit of advice would be to double check all the bills are being paid as I did at one point get a summons for unpaid council tax which he was responsible for paying. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind so I insisted he repay me £50/week or the relationship would be over and he would have to move out, I also told him that I would not lend him anymore money no matter what the reason or how small the amount. The hardest part was sticking to this, he did give me the £50/week but I had got in the habit of just paying for things if he said he couldn't afford, there were times in the first couple of months where I refused to 'lend' him money till payday and so we went without bread/milk/teabags when it was his turn to buy them (I had plenty at work and treated myself to some lovely lunches!) this really did the trick and taught him to manage his money a bit better . You will find it tough but if she really loves you this might just give her the wake up call she needs, as people will continue to push the boundaries if you let them. We will probably never have a joint bank account as the tempatation of any money just sitting there would be too much for him! but we are now very happy and have a lot more respect for each other. I hope things work out for you, just remember to stay strong and stick to everything you have said

Thanks

hettiecarro

angeleeyes wrote: »

She would then be on her own and have to repay her Dad, who believe me, she has far more respect for and wouldn't question repaying him.
.

Hi Angeleyes (Bloke)

Sorry for the tough love, but you're still doing it.

Doesn't this quote from your post say it all?

Also, by YOU posting her statement of affairs you are effectively letting her relinquish responsibility and worry to you .

You don't need to divulge your own posts on here if you are not happy to, but try to get her to do her own SOA and take the steps herself.

Link is as follows:
http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

Help her to fill it out if she needs help. This will show you are in it together. Then follow the MSE link to post on here.

Good luck!

angeleeyes

hettiecarro wrote: »

Hi Angeleyes (Bloke)

Sorry for the tough love, but you're still doing it.

Doesn't this quote from your post say it all?

Well no, I was stating how she would never dream of taking the !!!! with her dad because she has more respect for him. If this change of events doesn't make her respect me more, the door will hit her !!!! on the way out!

Wol2

Hi angeleyes

Have seen your thread develop with interest.

Reading your posts (and especially the description of the debate) it strikes me that firstly, your OH has developed good skills in emotional blackmail and manipulation (this is not something she consciously thinks about - it's inherant in her character which would appear to me to contain some narcissitic traits ). Secondly, you strike me as someone who is motivated to please/help others (often at your own expense) and therefore when she tries to make you responsible for her feelings/life, you actually hook into that sub-consciously as it's a part of your make-up.

Clearly you are starting to realise how your two different personalities are interacting in a way that is not good for you and you are starting to put in place some healthy boundaries. Well done - establishing new boundaries is not easy (T shirt and all that ).

Two years ago I went through an extremely traumatic time in my personal life having lost my home to floods plus was ditched by my partner. My family and friends, instead of supporting me, were angry because I (the strong confident problem-fixer) was for once asking for their help/emotional support instead of giving it to them. I was accused of being selfish, self-absorbed and not thinking of anyone else's feelings . I ended up having a nervous breakdown. Two years on with a brilliant counsellor I am now aware that I had been hooked into narcissitic relationships for most of my life...(including one past violent relationship I remained in for 7 years before I finally felt able to walk away)....and finally, the emotional negativity and trauma had just all got too much. Now I have healthy new friends and keep the old ones and family at a considerable distance with much stronger boundaries....and I'm really proud of how much better my life is. I still need the emotional support of my new friends as sometimes as I can still get hooked in...(I do seem to attract a certain type of unhealthy personality and am still very good at whipping myself into a frenzy of guilt when I say no or when I don;t offer to help someone who is clearly "needy" and wants me to take reponsibility for their problems:o)..but at least now I'm living my life for me and not other people.

Anyhow, back to you. I think you need all the support you can get at the moment to resist her charms/manipulations to hook you back into the previous status quo and to keep your new boundaries intact if the relationship is to have any chance of working. If that means seeking a friend's emotional support to keep you focused then that's great you've got such a friend....as long as you don;t try and make them responsible for the decisions that only you can make....same applies to her father.....and is the fact she will listen to her father actually based upon respect.....or just fear of disapproval? Clearly you need her respect going forwards if the relationship is to work.

Going forwards you will also need to look at ways to build up your own self-esteem and confidence so that you can feel positive about yourself without it always having to be because you have "been nice..." to someone else (ie acceded to what they've demanded or put up with their behaviour at your own expense). This will help lessen the number of times you get hooked back in to give someone that "one last chance".

However, assuming she does pay the money back on time, if the relationship is to have any long term future, it WILL inevitably also depend upon her understanding her own traits and taking her own steps to change them.....and unfortunately you may have to prepare yourself that this might not be possible for her to do.

Many of the posters on here have quite clearly pointed out what the real issues are and their observations on the relationship dynamics are also very astute. You have been offered a lot of good advice and are clearly committed to following this through. However for us souls who are drawn into these types of relationship and particularly sensitive to what other people say, although we may agree, it can be difficult to make that final leap into action which is why we can be seen as vascillating or making excuses. Your gut instinct tells you one thing...but then your head argues you out of the course of action that you really should take to look after yourself because you dont't want to be accused of/judged or feel you are treating someone else unfairly....hence the one last chance.......several times :rotfl:

So, as you plan on sticking to your current course, make sure this really IS the last chance.......and please dont let anything or anybody (including your own little voice) sway you from keeping your new boundaries intact and putting yourself first.

Hope this helps

Good luck :grouphug:

Wol2
xxx

Edit: Agree also with Hettie about getting her to do her own SOA - by all means hlep once she has started it.....but it's her problem and her reponsibility, NOT yours.......and by taking responsibility you are fuzzying the boundary you have just established .

angeleeyes

Cheers Wol2, this really is it.

Sounds weird but I feel a whole load more confident already, I feel like I actually have control over the matter (albeit not 'controlling') but hoping this is the road to redemption! I'm pretty sure that should this be resolved, there could be great benefits for our relationship and general happiness in life.

I'm lucky to have supportive friends and family, my parents miss me (I was the youngest) and I know they'd have me back in a shot (should !!!! hit the fan with OH).

Sorry to hear about the crap you went through, you speak a lot of sense!

sharpy2010

Morgan_Ree wrote: »

do you have a thumb print on your head?

You seriously need to get rid of her now!! She's nothing but a leech quite clearly bleeding you dry!

Totally.

From what you say, and what I can read between the lines, you are a soft touch and she is using all sorts of excuses to get as much out of you as she can.

She knows you wont chastise her for what she is doing, so she takes advantage.

Keep your cards in your wallet in your pocket at all times, change the pin numbers. It isn't difficult and then she won't be able to do it.

The other solution is to break up, and it doesn't sound like you want to do that.