It's never going to happen for me.

daphne_descends

Kynthia wrote: »

Thanks guys, I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Marriage is very important to me. I know it isn't to everyone and and don't expect everyone to feel the same as me. However, I just couldn't fathom having a child with someone who refuses to join with me legally beforehand. I don't want to get into this argument because as long as both in each couple agree with each other, that's all that counts. :beer:
He isn't one for messing me around. He's almost the perfect boyfriend. He's really quiet and easy going whereas I'm vocal and bossy. Therefore people think I get my own way because I say what I want. However I think the quiet ones have more power as they quietly don't do what they don't want to do. :rotfl:

What worries me is that I gave him a year last October and nothing's happend. He's almost suprised that October has come round again. I think he's either not given it a thought all year and now needs until the end of the year to organise something, or it's just another postponement that could be repeated again and again.

Kynthia wrote: »

Thanks guys.

I was quite upset and tearful when I started this thread and was considering saying no to giving him until the end of the year. I agree that proposing doesn't take months, we live on the Thames and we could take a romantic walk any evening. Four weeks ago he said he'd do it by the end of Sept so why the extension?

You made me realise that I needed to know why he needs until the end of the year, so I've asked him. He didn't know! Why are men rubbish at conversations about relationships!!! I asked him did he have a special date in mind or did he ignore it all year and now need time to organise something? He said it was the latter. I explained how upset I was, as maybe I hadn't let him know how I was really feeling emotionally, and that I was scared he'd delay again and again. He was really suprised when I got tearful and he said that he really would propose and he was sorry he'd left it. He's convinced me that he does want this and doesn't have doubts.

I feel better now as I have been reassured that he does want to get married. I think the thought of proposing is scary and he's put it off. He just did that bloke thing of not thinking about what we talked about until the next time we talk about it.

He's agreed to getting married next summer, but not July as he hopes to go to the world cup.

Kynthia I am so sorry but men who can't wait to get married and start families - they don't do this. Honestly it sounds like he is just not that into you. He is stringing you along and possibly delaying in the hope that you'll just get the message and stop asking.

I am not saying marriage is not important but it is not as big a commitment as having children - a married but childless couple can divorce and never have to see each other again but if you have children with someone you are part of their life forever, married or not. So if he is not keen on marriage does he even want children?

Don't waste your life waiting for this 'almost perfect' guy. What is more important to you - him, or marriage and children?

I don't mean to sound rude, I am only going on what you have posted, but he sounds like a bit of a loser to me - what kind of a man promises to propose 'within a year' and THEN says he has not even thought about it, and can you wait four more months? If he has not thought about it in a year he is certainly not going to now. He is relying on the strength of your desire to marry to delude you into staying. Does he really deserve you?

jackieb

daphne_descends wrote: »

Kynthia I am so sorry but men who can't wait to get married and start families - they don't do this. Honestly it sounds like he is just not that into you. He is stringing you along and possibly delaying in the hope that you'll just get the message and stop asking.

I am not saying marriage is not important but it is not as big a commitment as having children - a married but childless couple can divorce and never have to see each other again but if you have children with someone you are part of their life forever, married or not. So if he is not keen on marriage does he even want children?

Don't waste your life waiting for this 'almost perfect' guy. What is more important to you - him, or marriage and children?

I don't mean to sound rude, I am only going on what you have posted, but he sounds like a bit of a loser to me - what kind of a man promises to propose 'within a year' and THEN says he has not even thought about it, and can you wait four more months? If he has not thought about it in a year he is certainly not going to now. He is relying on the strength of your desire to marry to delude you into staying. Does he really deserve you?

I was going to post the same.

It sounds possible that he doesn't have the nerve to let you down, and is hoping you give up waiting and leave. Proposing isn't hard. Why does he have to wait to propose. Yes, waiting to save up to get married afterwards maybe - but waiting just to ask you to marry him? Why? Maybe he's scared. Do you really want to force someone into something they really don't want to do?

My sister wasted 5 years of her life with one man. Always waiting and hoping. She was convenient for him and he'd got comfortable with the situation. She eventually left and 25 years later he's still not married.

Minxy_Bella

Sorry but it makes me cross that he's happy to plan for the ruddy World Cup, but not to make a commitment to his woman!!

OP, you need to take charge of your life - move out and on. If he wants you for life, then it'll shake him into action. If not, then he's not the one for you, missus.

PS I did this with husband number one and the !!!!!! proposed. What was I thinking? lol

Kynthia

Bubble96 thanks for your post. I feel you really understand. Although there are differences in our stories there seem to be important similarities.

He is a lovely guy and I really don't feel that i'm just the convenient option. We moved in together with no fuss and he spends lots of time with my family. I had a horrid cold this weekend and while he was in town he bought me the new Muse album and a novel to cheer me up. I LOVE Muse! :j

This is the first time he's given a time frame whereas before they were my time frames. That's a big difference. I was worried that I'd get to the end of the year without a proposal and feel like giving him more time again and again with it never happening. It's difficult as he's shy, I think he's feeling like he has to give me a special proposal and I know that a wedding scares him (not so much the marriage). Also men often don't feel like time is running out like women do.

Relationships aren't easy. I'm going to try to put it out of my mind for a while, although there are a few wedding fayres coming up.

jackieb

Kynthia, my husband was incredibly shy. He 'proposed' by playing a Bruce Springsteen song in his car. He told me to listen to the words, and in the verse Bruce sang, 'little girl will you marry me?' Hubby then said, 'how about it then?' :rolleyes:

That was my proposal. Still makes me smile though.

Good luck with everything Kynthia, and I do hope your boyfriend stops dragging his feet soon. xx

Dave101t

how about a mans perspective? i was not keen on setting a date, or even proposing as such, so as we talked about it, we kind of both contributed to the proposal. as long as the wedding date was faaaar off in the distance, for me it seemed a long way away so i said ok.
maybe some of us men just dont like to know that one day our lifestyle will be changed forever, but the love of a good woman is far more important so id say to anyone, stop dawdling and get on with it! far worse for the woman to marry someone else...!
incidently, we are getting married in 2 weeks, and the closer it gets, the happier i feel, quite the opposite of my initial thoughts.

daphne_descends

Kynthia, I sincerely hope it all works out but please please just have an idea in your mind of what you will do if he lets you down. Please don't give him a third chance, if he does. But I really hope it doesn't go that way

beverleyhills

Kynthia wrote: »

Thanks guys, I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

He isn't one for messing me around. He's almost the perfect boyfriend. He's really quiet and easy going whereas I'm vocal and bossy. Therefore people think I get my own way because I say what I want. However I think the quiet ones have more power as they quietly don't do what they don't want to do. :rotfl:
.

These people are very difficult to live with, long term. How many other times will he exercise his power in the relationship.

A wedding and the World Cup in one year! Wow.

bubble96

Kynthia wrote: »

Bubble96 thanks for your post. I feel you really understand. Although there are differences in our stories there seem to be important similarities.

He is a lovely guy and I really don't feel that i'm just the convenient option. We moved in together with no fuss and he spends lots of time with my family. I had a horrid cold this weekend and while he was in town he bought me the new Muse album and a novel to cheer me up. I LOVE Muse! :j
This is the first time he's given a time frame whereas before they were my time frames. That's a big difference. I was worried that I'd get to the end of the year without a proposal and feel like giving him more time again and again with it never happening. It's difficult as he's shy, I think he's feeling like he has to give me a special proposal and I know that a wedding scares him (not so much the marriage). Also men often don't feel like time is running out like women do.

Relationships aren't easy. I'm going to try to put it out of my mind for a while, although there are a few wedding fayres coming up.

Yeah your story does semm very similar. Weve been together 5 years now, which seems like forever - but in the span of a lifetime its not i guess.

The fact that you moved in together no fuss is more positive than what we had - id say that if he has given up his freedom to live with you then his issues are probably more to do with getting married than acvtually being married (though a little about being married as no man likes to give up their freedom completely and most men think this is what marriage means!) I say try to talk about what type of wedding you want, this was one of my biggest battles when i was trying to find out what was making things difficult for my fiance - i wanted to help and he didnt want to talk. Once we did though and he realised that i wasnt all about the big dress and lavish party, and that i wasnt going to blow all his savings!, and that actually if he wanted we could nip to the registry office the next day, he calmed down a bit, and realised what he did and didnt want. I think that made it easier to propose as we discussed just little bits here and thereand so i think he got a better idea of what he was letting himself in for. So he has helped make a lot of decisions about the wedding, which is really nice as he feels he is getting fun things too - like he gets to choose the cars!

if he has said a time frame this time then i think he will start thinking seriously. The problem is everyone is .different, and ive had so many friends who seem to have moved in together and got engaged within a year, and that kind of makes you feel like wow they are so certain about each other - maybe my partner isnt about me, but now i see that actually we probably have better foundations, and weve been through the massive rows, and tested our faith to each other to know that when we marry it will be forever - god knows i gave him plenty of opportunities to get out if that was what he wanted - and he chose to stay, so i chose to keep giving chances. We put these time frames on what we think is acceptable in terms of a relationship progressing, and anyone that falls outside of these we think is strange, but there is no set order or time that it should take to get from meeting to marriage, its just harder if you have a partner who has a very different time frame from yours.

I know i found it really hard to talk to my friends about it - especially if they were married etc, but when i did they helped put things in perspective - because they knew both of us they could give true observed opinions, unlike on here where you will get people like me who it has worked out for and others who it hasnt, so a very mixed bag of opinions. Find a good friend who you can let it all out too over the next few months and i think that will help you through.

Last piece of advice - if you havent already then you must read men are from mars women are from venus - some people think it is total trash - i love it, you wil read certain parts and think omg that is so him. We do really think differently, and i know my fiancee always said - and still says now actually that he finds it really hard to plan/think about things that are a year off - even though hes helping plan the wedding, he still thinks im doing everything way too early - hed like to leave it all until a week before! Men dont understand our need to plan for a future, they dont think about kids the way we do. My fiancee didnt want to talk about kids for ages, and then when we did start talking he was going on about how his dad is old (late 60s) considering his brother is early twentys and they were still paying for his uni, and how he didnt want to be the same, when i then pointed out that hes 32, insisting on being married first and not wanting to try immediately after wedding, and if we want acouple of kids then yep, he may be late 60s by the time the 2nd was 21 - he seemed really shocked like it hadnt even occured to him - i dont think it had!! they think so differently - big kids, its all about the here and now - until someone puts it right in front of their face!!

omg i really need to learn to be more concise, another essay!

Stephb1986_2

I think most men are commitment phobes and sometimes they need a push in the right direction. I had to do it to my fella but men are so simple minded unlike us women. I think now he knows how you really feel that he will keep to his promise, just don't count down the months because the more you do it the more obessed with it you are, I too gave my OH a time frame told him that if he didn't do it within a year then I will find someone else to marry.

I hope that he does it soon for you

Steph xx