It's never going to happen for me.

Errata

He doesn't need to organise anything to propose marriage. Getting down on one knee and popping the question is quick and cost free.
The dirty details of which ring, shall we have party, when shall we talk to the vicar come after that.

crapwithcash82

Hi Kynthia, if you really want to get engaged, why don't you pop the question to him? If you say you're quite a vocal person, then it may be an option for you?

Its something I considered doing to my boyfriend but he ended up pipping me to the post before I had built myself up to doing it - once you think about you doing the asking, its quite a daunting thought! :rotfl:

I also really wanted to get engaged, and I think I went on about it so much when we moved in together it drove him mad!! We are now engaged and he did the asking, but in his own time and without me mentioning it for several months. I guess it could just be a bloke thing and he wants you to think he came up with the idea without any hints from you?

Good luck whatever you decide to do!

CwC

Kynthia

Thanks guys.

I was quite upset and tearful when I started this thread and was considering saying no to giving him until the end of the year. I agree that proposing doesn't take months, we live on the Thames and we could take a romantic walk any evening. Four weeks ago he said he'd do it by the end of Sept so why the extension?

You made me realise that I needed to know why he needs until the end of the year, so I've asked him. He didn't know! Why are men rubbish at conversations about relationships!!! I asked him did he have a special date in mind or did he ignore it all year and now need time to organise something? He said it was the latter. I explained how upset I was, as maybe I hadn't let him know how I was really feeling emotionally, and that I was scared he'd delay again and again. He was really suprised when I got tearful and he said that he really would propose and he was sorry he'd left it. He's convinced me that he does want this and doesn't have doubts.

I feel better now as I have been reassured that he does want to get married. I think the thought of proposing is scary and he's put it off. He just did that bloke thing of not thinking about what we talked about until the next time we talk about it.

He's agreed to getting married next summer, but not July as he hopes to go to the world cup.

Pssst

Kynthia wrote: »

Thanks guys, I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Marriage is very important to me. I know it isn't to everyone and and don't expect everyone to feel the same as me. However, I just couldn't fathom having a child with someone who refuses to join with me legally beforehand. I don't want to get into this argument because as long as both in each couple agree with each other, that's all that counts. :beer:
He isn't one for messing me around. He's almost the perfect boyfriend. He's really quiet and easy going whereas I'm vocal and bossy. Therefore people think I get my own way because I say what I want. However I think the quiet ones have more power as they quietly don't do what they don't want to do. :rotfl:

What worries me is that I gave him a year last October and nothing's happend. He's almost suprised that October has come round again. I think he's either not given it a thought all year and now needs until the end of the year to organise something, or it's just another postponement that could be repeated again and again.

There is much in what you say Kynthia.

Still waters run deep.

Silent but deadly.

"Quiet" people can often be like that. They are quite clear about what they want or what they will accept but they may not have vocalised it so clearly.

What happens then is that becuase they have not specifically vocalised disagreement or dissent, those around them assume that this is acceptance by default.

Often you can then get caught in this loop of denial..just like your situation.

You have to MAKE him say exactly what he wants no matter how painful it is for him or you for that matter.

He might even continue to say what he thinks you want to hear becuase he cares for you and doesnt want to hurt you.

Pssst

Hi Kynthia..sorry..overlapped a bit with your posting.

My view remains the same. If i really loved a girl .had been with her for years,had discussed marriage/the future n all that, i wouldnt put the girl off if she was getting all upset about it. I'd ask her there and then.

My view remain the same. Fix it NOW or regret it.

Horace

I would move back to my own flat if I were in the same situation. I think that he only says that he wants to get married when he is pushed on the subject and therefore is agreeing for a quiet life because then you shut up about it. Now he is saying that he will marry next year but either after or before the world cup - nice to see he is getting his priorities right football first then marriage:rolleyes:

I think that if this guy were committed then he would have asked by now so I think its time you moved on. Putting pressure on the guy to marry you isnt going to help matters either. Maybe if you tried another tack and showed that you weren't that bothered by it and you moved back to your own space then things might change and he might realise what he is missing.:D

Jo_R_2

Pssst wrote: »

Hi Kynthia..sorry..overlapped a bit with your posting.

My view remains the same. If i really loved a girl .had been with her for years,had discussed marriage/the future n all that, i wouldnt put the girl off if she was getting all upset about it. I'd ask her there and then.

My view remain the same. Fix it NOW or regret it.

I'm not sure I can offer advice as I had similar problem only not been together quite as long as you and your OH and had a baby

In brief my OH had various reasons why he wanted to wait before getting engaged, including he wanted to do a 'proper' big proposal, he wanted to save up for a ring, he wanted us to move in together, he wanted us to be in a position to afford a wedding and he wanted to be the one who did the asking...

When we were talking about it one day and he told me he was going to ask me right after baby was born but didn't, I was gutted. I ended up saying I understood his reasons but I didn't see why we couldn't get engaged and put those things in progress, ie we were going to move in anyway, and we could be engaged and plan a wedding, and I already had a ring he'd given me that I could wear.

He ended up asking me that night... I must admit I do still wonder if he did it for a quiet life because he's not all that enthused about planning a wedding, or talking about it much but I gather this is normal for a lot of men!

My thoughts are more general than specific, but I think you are very intuitive about your OH and how he thinks, and how you feel too. I hate to generalise, but I think a lot of men (not all, but a fair few) are often oblivious to their lady's feelings about certain things until they are pointed out loud and clear.

It's up to you whether you want to wait the four months... How are you feeling about that at the mo? I think the one thing you have going for you is that you know what it is that you want, you have explained this to him clearly and so now the ball is in his court. I wouldn't put pressure on him but only you can decide how you are going to deal with things from this point.

Quote

rene2b wrote: »

where does it say this?

shellsuit wrote: »

It doesn't :cool:

Which thread are you two reading?

bubble96

kynthia, i cant believe i'm reading this, its like youve written where i was 6 months ago. wed been discussing getting married for over two years, and the promises of time scales came and went two or three times until i felt we were never going to get there, and i too was wanting children and had made it clear years ago that that was important to me and marriage before children was important to him so he needed to do it.

I dont think anyone can really offer you advice because it depends entirely on what he is like. He sounds like he genuinely loves you, and people generally dont stay together for 5 years unless they are very serious - didnt stop me feeling that he was just waiting for something better! what you have to think about is other signs of whether forever is possible - have you talked about children? is he ok about that. Also what has he been like about past big decisions, for example moving in together? My fiance was terrible on this one too - several chances came and went, and when he was forced to leave the place he had been living i made it clear that if he couldnt give us a try then i would loose all faith in our relationship - i feel mean that i did it but we had been together over 2 years, and everyone has a breaking point! what im saying is he found all commitment decisions very difficult - doesnt mean he didnt want too, but he takes it very serious, when he says forever he wants to really mean it, and hes generally like that in everyday life, which now looking back means hes very genuine.

Look at all the little things he does for you, look at what you do have and not what you dont, and decide how much the relationship is worth. I knew i could never leave him, and i made it clear to him near before the proposal that if he was never going to propose then he needed to end it because it was unfair to continue to say in 6months, knowing that i would never leave. And he continualy said he wanted to marry me.

In the end i put the time limit on, ende of may this year, i pointed out just how many times he had promissed and let me down and made it clear that if he couldnt then he needed to finish it, i felt i had sacrificed enough and that i needed this to be happy, and he said ok. There had been so many excuses for why he hadnt - cant do it at christmas or birthdays, cant do it till my sister was married, want to do something special but didnt know what(i insisted i didnt need something special the commitment was enough) didnt have money for a ring - this was just a silly reason as he knew i would want nothing expensive and he had plenty of savings. So i promised to trust him and ease up on the hassling but he knew very clearly that this was my limit.

We finished that conversation and i kept to my promise, i mentioned it now and then but he relaxed and talked too, and there were no more arguments about it. I made more plans with friends, kept myself busy and reminded myself everyday that he wouldnt put up with all the nagging and tears if deep down he didnt want to be with me.

It got to may and he still hadnt proposed and wouldnt tell me anything. I let my suspions get the better of me and started to think he wasnt going to, and i did something I'm very ashamed of - i snooped, i checked email and sites he'd been on, and when i found he had been looking at rings i felt great - for all of 30 seconds before i realised how distrustful that was. I told him and he was mad!! I regret doing that greatly, because i did see the ring he eventually gave me.

What i regret about the way everything happened was that i knew when he was going to propose, as soon as he told me we were going out for a meal i knew what was happening, and he knew i knew, so it was a little strange, but we decided to have a nice day together and went for treatments, and i bought a new dress and things. He proposed before we went out and he blew me away, candles flowers music, and a big sign saying marry me.

I feel terrible that i didnt just trust him, but i also feel that without me putting a bit of pressure on it wouldnt have happened.

I guess what i am trying to say is that only you can decide when youve had enough, but it sounds like its worth trusting him at least once more - but you need to be 100% honest about how you feel and where you stand. there is nothing wrong with you saying what you want and need because for years you have been waiting - trying to give him what he needs - time, at some point he has to realise this, i think it sounds like he will.

People get hung up on marriage for many different reasons, and for men there is a lot of pressure - to be romantic and propose in a memorable way, then theres the marriage itself, the cost, the being watched, the stress it will cause, the speeches etc, its a lot for them to think about. even in todays world where we see men and women as equal, when it comes to marriage i think some men come over all cave like - they want to propose - not the women (my fiance insisted on this) and they want to be able to provide. I hadnt really thought about all of this until he pointed it out to me - i was so caught up in how i felt i couldnt see his feelings.

Sorry for the long post, i just wanted to tell you it can work out, and hopefully tell you some of the mistakes i made!! i really really hope it all works out for you, and i really think it will.

SkyKitty

Kynthia I'm glad you two have talked and you seem to feel much better about it, and I'm so happy you've now got plans for the summer, and if he wants to work around the world cup great, if I were you I would suggest June, definately earlier rather than later.

I had been in a very similar situation. I have been with my other half for about 6 1/2 years before we got engaged, and for the last 2 he knew I really wanted us to get married. I honestly don't think we'd be getting married now except for the fact that having moved somewhere with strict work permit restrictions it turns out that it will make me finding a job much easier.

Despite being desperate to get married I had reconciled myself to it not happening. I looked at the situation and decided that not being married but being with 'the one' was a lot better than being married to anybody else who wasn't him. I realised that he meant more to me than the concept of being married did, and if I could only have one or the other I wanted him. And if we'd ended up growing old together with or without kids without being married I would consider it a life well spent.

I don't know if that perspective could work for you but it certainly did for me.