How to deal with ex

marshmallows

Jo_R if you say no you won;t have the kids this weekend will he still come and collect them?
If he doesnt talk to you or you don;t want an arguement write him a letter
Say to him he is out of order expecting you be flexible around him yet he won't do the same, explain you know that things do come up but is it his responsibility to sort out other arrangements with the kids if need be and he should not just not collect them
Tell him with a bit of give and take maybe you can both be flexible within reason, i mean i am sure if he said with enough notice 'i cant have the kids on x weekend because of x, can we re-arrange or swap' you would be more than happy to

pinkshoes

Jo_R wrote: »

He's perfectly capable however of phoning other people who are not me and seeing if people can help him out - that's what we do when needed - that's what people do when they have children to look after..

No, that's what YOU do!! You're the primary carer for the girls!

Men think differently to women. I work in an office full of them, so I know their thought process quite well! They're not like us women who seem to have brains to cope with most things!

I have learnt through experience that men think completely differently from women.

The only one thing on his mind at the moment will be his OH, and the pain she'll be in, although with how the h*ll he's going to cope with a newborn on his own. (yes, on his own - men don't like to ask for help!). I doubt he'll understand that him asking for you to have the girls on his weekend is anything other than an expected request!!

I'm not siding with your ex. I'm just trying to point out that he's probably seeing this completely differently, so rather than see it as an issue, just laugh that women are the more talented species on coping with situations!!

If you're not the primary carer, it's really hard to have the concept of having to do anything other than look after them for the set days. I bet it's never even crossed his mind that he ought to be finding the alternative arrangement!! :rolleyes:

bright_side

I haven't read all replies because I'm too lazy but have to say that my children would've been very upset if they hadn't been able to go to their dads on their planned weekend when their new baby brothers arrived. Not a great start to the half sibling relationship if they get pushed out from the word go.

oystercatcher

pinkshoes wrote: »

No, that's what YOU do!! You're the primary carer for the girls!

Men think differently to women. I work in an office full of them, so I know their thought process quite well! They're not like us women who seem to have brains to cope with most things!

I have learnt through experience that men think completely differently from women.

The only one thing on his mind at the moment will be his OH, and the pain she'll be in, although with how the h*ll he's going to cope with a newborn on his own. (yes, on his own - men don't like to ask for help!). I doubt he'll understand that him asking for you to have the girls on his weekend is anything other than an expected request!!

I'm not siding with your ex. I'm just trying to point out that he's probably seeing this completely differently, so rather than see it as an issue, just laugh that women are the more talented species on coping with situations!!

If you're not the primary carer, it's really hard to have the concept of having to do anything other than look after them for the set days. I bet it's never even crossed his mind that he ought to be finding the alternative arrangement!! :rolleyes:

I really don't think it would be fair on the children for him to agree to have them and then palm them off on someone else. If he can't have them then they should be at home with their mother. I would have been furious if my Ex dumped my children on someone else!
This should be all about stability for the children not finding childcare!

Ivrytwr3

my ex is where i can keep an eye on her. Under the patio.

valk_scot

Whatever the rights and wrongs of all this, I can't help but feel this is one weekend you should just rise above it all and do the generous thing. I'm sure the girls would like to see their new brother/sister though so why not suggest you bring them around for a visit? Presumably you want to meet the new baby too, given that it's your children's half-sibling and will be part of your family too, however extended.

I personally would see this as an opportunity to build a foundation for the furture rather than undermine it. Yes you need to get more strict about what's going on with access. But now is not the weekend, tbh. Have a little sympathy and female solidarity for the new mum, if nothing else!

Jo_R_2

Fact is, even if I was in the frame of mind to keep hold of the girls, I couldn't because we have a couple of things arranged which we did specifically because we knew the girls wouldn't be with us and which need to be done - this is partly my point.

Anyway... After having a think, I called up ex and we had quite a discussion. If I'm being honest we thrashed it out and have come out the other side I think both feeling a little more understanding and supportive of each other, which can only be a good thing.

It wasn't nice at first; he kept saying I wouldn't understand, I was being uncompassionate and if we'd have been in that position they'd discussed how they would have helped out with the girls (news to me!); I had to remind him why we never asked him for help (when he'd previously said not to) and felt put out that he seemed to expect it, and we didn't want to organise our lives around whatever was happening with them that month.

He genuinely was surprised and sounded hurt that as he said, we had such a low opinion of him, he admitted that at one time he may have been "that" person (when he first met and was dating his OH) but he had changed and he wanted to help us where he could with DDs, and that he was asking, not expecting, if we could help them out.

I offered to have them last night and this morning, but said I really couldn't have them later on or tomorrow because we had said plans - and I wasn't doing it to be awkward, as I understood this wasn't usual circumstances, but it was really difficult and would cause trouble for me to cancel and/or postpone what we'd planned. Strangely he went from saying his mum could have them today pm but not tonight to saying she probably would have them tonight, which is fine.

Probably not the ideal time to be making the point as has been said but has actually meant that the air has been cleared - hopefully can put the past bad feeling behind us now, who knows?

mumps

Jo_R wrote: »

Hi all

I have two DDs with my ex and had an amicable relationship generally. He has them every other weekend but rarely anything inbetween - although he takes an interest in what's happening with them, he's only actually involved if it falls on a weekend he has them.

He has previously said when I asked if he could keep the girls an extra night as I was ill no,and that in future could I ask him last for help?:rolleyes: As a result we rarely ask him for anything.

Him and his OH have just had a baby and he has gone mad at me because his OH is coming out of hospital this weekend after a c-sec and wanted to not have DDs as was planned and I said we couldn't have them.

He has never helped out when we've been stuck with DDs but has an expectation that if he wants to change plans then we should automatically be available or cancel any plans or appointments or weekends away (and yes he has said this.) He has also said that it reflects on my lack of commitment to DDs' care if I don't have them when he should.

I sympathise that things didn't go as planned (I do, his OH is lovely and v. good with DDs) but I said what has happened is *his* life, and just as we don't expect him to have the girls to fit around our lives, and we would have to make our own arrangements for DDs should the same have happened with us (we have a 6-month old), as he obviously expects us to, when they are in his care then he needs to take responsibility and make arrangements, not send me nasty texts. I have helped him out plenty of times but the favour is never returned.

OH is furious with ex even though they have been friends for years - for him this is the culmination of two years of ex breaking plans, being unsupportive but completely demanding when he wants something, and us having to change our plans and lives depending on what's going on with the ex that month. He's also asking why ex says all this to me but never to him - and it's because ex wouldn't dare converse with OH the way he does to me because basically OH would deck him - I always try and dampen things down for the sake of the girls having stability.

Ex told me "this isn't good enough" and I flipped - how dare he talk to me like that - aren't we entitled to have lives, plans at the weekend - what the hell has it got to do with him if we've planned something for this weekend as he is due to have DDs?

Sorry for going mad but I needed to let off some steam - I feel sick of ex's attitude and him demeaning my parenting skills if I don't jump when he clicks my fingers - and I'm dreading this continuing now he has his baby. I'm pleased for them but I hate saying no to him because I get the nasty comments and the guilt trips and I know this is going to continue. What can I do?

When you have been "stuck with DDs" is that what you meant to say? I did write quite a long reply but don't think you would like it, I hope your daughters have had a nice time with granny.

Jo_R_2

I meant 'stuck' as in we've needed to make arrangements to have them looked after but not been able to find anyone to help, rather than what I think you thought I meant!

Spendless

Jo_R wrote: »

Fact is, even if I was in the frame of mind to keep hold of the girls, I couldn't because we have a couple of things arranged which we did specifically because we knew the girls wouldn't be with us and which need to be done - this is partly my point.

Anyway... After having a think, I called up ex and we had quite a discussion. If I'm being honest we thrashed it out and have come out the other side I think both feeling a little more understanding and supportive of each other, which can only be a good thing.

It wasn't nice at first; he kept saying I wouldn't understand, I was being uncompassionate and if we'd have been in that position they'd discussed how they would have helped out with the girls (news to me!); I had to remind him why we never asked him for help (when he'd previously said not to) and felt put out that he seemed to expect it, and we didn't want to organise our lives around whatever was happening with them that month.

He genuinely was surprised and sounded hurt that as he said, we had such a low opinion of him, he admitted that at one time he may have been "that" person (when he first met and was dating his OH) but he had changed and he wanted to help us where he could with DDs, and that he was asking, not expecting, if we could help them out.

I offered to have them last night and this morning, but said I really couldn't have them later on or tomorrow because we had said plans - and I wasn't doing it to be awkward, as I understood this wasn't usual circumstances, but it was really difficult and would cause trouble for me to cancel and/or postpone what we'd planned. Strangely he went from saying his mum could have them today pm but not tonight to saying she probably would have them tonight, which is fine.

Probably not the ideal time to be making the point as has been said but has actually meant that the air has been cleared - hopefully can put the past bad feeling behind us now, who knows?

Has the baby been born early? Otherwise why did you make plans for this time? Who's having your baby? Couldn't they also have taken the girls on this occassion? I can completely see why you've tackled your ex about the subject (I have friend's in the same situation) but I think you've just the wrong time to do it.