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How to deal with ex
Jo_R_2
Posts: 2,660 Forumite
Hi all
I have two DDs with my ex and had an amicable relationship generally. He has them every other weekend but rarely anything inbetween - although he takes an interest in what's happening with them, he's only actually involved if it falls on a weekend he has them.
He has previously said when I asked if he could keep the girls an extra night as I was ill no,and that in future could I ask him last for help?:rolleyes: As a result we rarely ask him for anything.
Him and his OH have just had a baby and he has gone mad at me because his OH is coming out of hospital this weekend after a c-sec and wanted to not have DDs as was planned and I said we couldn't have them.
He has never helped out when we've been stuck with DDs but has an expectation that if he wants to change plans then we should automatically be available or cancel any plans or appointments or weekends away (and yes he has said this.) He has also said that it reflects on my lack of commitment to DDs' care if I don't have them when he should.
I sympathise that things didn't go as planned (I do, his OH is lovely and v. good with DDs) but I said what has happened is *his* life, and just as we don't expect him to have the girls to fit around our lives, and we would have to make our own arrangements for DDs should the same have happened with us (we have a 6-month old), as he obviously expects us to, when they are in his care then he needs to take responsibility and make arrangements, not send me nasty texts. I have helped him out plenty of times but the favour is never returned.
OH is furious with ex even though they have been friends for years - for him this is the culmination of two years of ex breaking plans, being unsupportive but completely demanding when he wants something, and us having to change our plans and lives depending on what's going on with the ex that month. He's also asking why ex says all this to me but never to him - and it's because ex wouldn't dare converse with OH the way he does to me because basically OH would deck him - I always try and dampen things down for the sake of the girls having stability.
Ex told me "this isn't good enough" and I flipped - how dare he talk to me like that - aren't we entitled to have lives, plans at the weekend - what the hell has it got to do with him if we've planned something for this weekend as he is due to have DDs?
Sorry for going mad but I needed to let off some steam - I feel sick of ex's attitude and him demeaning my parenting skills if I don't jump when he clicks my fingers - and I'm dreading this continuing now he has his baby. I'm pleased for them but I hate saying no to him because I get the nasty comments and the guilt trips and I know this is going to continue. What can I do?
I have two DDs with my ex and had an amicable relationship generally. He has them every other weekend but rarely anything inbetween - although he takes an interest in what's happening with them, he's only actually involved if it falls on a weekend he has them.
He has previously said when I asked if he could keep the girls an extra night as I was ill no,and that in future could I ask him last for help?:rolleyes: As a result we rarely ask him for anything.
Him and his OH have just had a baby and he has gone mad at me because his OH is coming out of hospital this weekend after a c-sec and wanted to not have DDs as was planned and I said we couldn't have them.
He has never helped out when we've been stuck with DDs but has an expectation that if he wants to change plans then we should automatically be available or cancel any plans or appointments or weekends away (and yes he has said this.) He has also said that it reflects on my lack of commitment to DDs' care if I don't have them when he should.
I sympathise that things didn't go as planned (I do, his OH is lovely and v. good with DDs) but I said what has happened is *his* life, and just as we don't expect him to have the girls to fit around our lives, and we would have to make our own arrangements for DDs should the same have happened with us (we have a 6-month old), as he obviously expects us to, when they are in his care then he needs to take responsibility and make arrangements, not send me nasty texts. I have helped him out plenty of times but the favour is never returned.
OH is furious with ex even though they have been friends for years - for him this is the culmination of two years of ex breaking plans, being unsupportive but completely demanding when he wants something, and us having to change our plans and lives depending on what's going on with the ex that month. He's also asking why ex says all this to me but never to him - and it's because ex wouldn't dare converse with OH the way he does to me because basically OH would deck him - I always try and dampen things down for the sake of the girls having stability.
Ex told me "this isn't good enough" and I flipped - how dare he talk to me like that - aren't we entitled to have lives, plans at the weekend - what the hell has it got to do with him if we've planned something for this weekend as he is due to have DDs?
Sorry for going mad but I needed to let off some steam - I feel sick of ex's attitude and him demeaning my parenting skills if I don't jump when he clicks my fingers - and I'm dreading this continuing now he has his baby. I'm pleased for them but I hate saying no to him because I get the nasty comments and the guilt trips and I know this is going to continue. What can I do?
Dealing with my debts!
Currently overpaying Virgin cc -
balance Jan 2010 @ 1985.65
Now @ 703.63
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Comments
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I dont know name of the company - someone will be ablong who knows it - but cant you have it in writing what days he is to have your DDs and if he cant have them then threaten to sop access? (harsh i know)0
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Hi Jo
I think I recall replying on a similar thread of yours about your ex and the girls.
I agree with what you've said and I do think that if he is unable to care for the girls on his weekend with them then it is done to him to make alternative arrangements - i.e. not expect you to automatically change your plans and do it
Him and his OH have just had a baby and he has gone mad at me because his OH is coming out of hospital this weekend after a c-sec and wanted to not have DDs as was planned and I said we couldn't have them.
Re above was it a planned c-section/or is it the first baby for his OH? - I could probably understand not feeling up to caring for extra children immediately after leaving hospital but I think it is down to your ex to sort this out - has he not got parents/auntie's/uncles that could help him out? - i.e. is it that your the only option or what he thinks of as the easy option?0 -
I think its pretty selfish to ask him to watch them while his Oh has just come out of hospital having a C section
sorry x0 -
myothercarisaferrari wrote: »I think its pretty selfish to ask him to watch them while his Oh has just come out of hospital having a C section
sorry x
But they are HIS children too
I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has had to overcome while trying to succeed. Booker T Washington
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If you are the resident parent which it sounds like you are i assume he maybe collects the kids from yours?
If he really doesnt want them will he just not show up?
It is a pain when parents cant stick to the arrangements but it does happen.
If your Oh and your x are friends then that is good, my husband gets on ok with his x's new husband but they would never discuss issues regarding the kids because its between my husband and his x
Tell him that you will not cancel the plans you have made and he will have to find another alternative
I would also tell him if he needs to swap weekends or make alternate arrangements he needs to be flexible and give a bit more notice than 2 days0 -
I dont know name of the company - someone will be ablong who knows it - but cant you have it in writing what days he is to have your DDs and if he cant have them then threaten to sop access? (harsh i know)[/QUOTE]
Do you not think that this might be very damaging for OP's children :rolleyes:
Speaking as a parent who has a shared care agreement with my children's father I think a degree of flexibility is required by both parties but unfortunately it seem's that all the give is on OP's side0 -
He is not 'watching' them!!! They are HIS children!!!Proud to be dealing with my debts0
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hippychick1 wrote: »He is not 'watching' them!!! They are HIS children!!!
But the OP can't force him to collect them & have them?
Sometimes you just gotta rise above it.0 -
But the OP can't force him to collect them & have them?
No, but to imply that the OP is selfish because she has other plans and that the father should not have to watch HIS own children is ludicrous!
Why is it that some people think it is acceptable that the NRP should get to pick and choose when they get to look after their own children based on whether it is convenient or not!I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has had to overcome while trying to succeed. Booker T Washington
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No, but to imply that the OP is selfish because she has other plans and that the father should not have to watch HIS own children is ludicrous!
Why is it that some people think it is acceptable that the NRP should get to pick and choose when they get to look after their own children based on whether it is convenient or not![/QUOTE]
Because they've never been in that situation personally and haven't got a scooby
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