How to deal with ex

pinkshoes

I think this whole situation sounds awful and you are ALL being selfish and pig headed!

These are children for heaven's sake! Not dogs/hamsters/fish!

Reality check time:

Yes, he's being a pain in the rear for not wanting them this weekend, but his OH has just had a C section and a baby, so he is hardly in a position to give his full attention to his daughters, so probably feels it's better if they stay with you. He's probably sleep deprived and exhausted, so will be grouchy.

Why is your OH kicking up such a fuss? These are your daughters we're talking about, so he should be thrilled to have them! No plans are set in stone when you have kids. It's life!

I have a close friend who gets his two boys every other weekend, and it's not easy when you aren't residential parent, as you're not the one who gets to organise most aspects of their life.

bestpud

Jo_R wrote: »

I should say I initially said yes but after checking with OH who went mad I had to go back to ex and say no we can't.

OH has taken a real dislike to ex; he thinks I am too nice for no reason after the way ex has treated me since we broke up; and somewhat selfishly but understandably OH is sick of having to organise our social lives around whether ex wants to have the girls or not.

Plus the fact that I fell ill 3 days after baby was bornand OH had to take me to doctors who sent me to hospital, with baby and DD2 in tow, ex wouldn't help out because it would mean he'd have to take DD1 to school in the morning and he didn't want to - we ended up having to get DD1 from school with me doubled over in agony before we could go to hospital and could hardly walk, then had to stop off home and find someone to look after DDs and OH has never forgiven ex for this - neither have I if I'm being honest.

Sounds like your new partner doesn't do much to help the situation tbh. :rolleyes:

As much as I appreciate you are angry and fed up with his behaviour, I wonder if you are subconsciously wanting the new partner to have it as bad as you did?

It really isn't her fault he was a bar steward when you needed him but is (for now :rolleyes:) prepared to put himself out more for her, although I can see how you'd resent that.

Maybe you could just take a step back and deal with the situation at hand, rather than dredging up old hurts?

If he does have them, it seems to me it will be her doing most of the work, and it is hard after a c-section, especially an emergency one. I realise most of us with older children get on with it, but I am sure that is far easier than coping with children you only have every other weekend.

Give her a break is what I trying to say. It sounds as though she accepts your dds and cares for them, but just wants this weekend to get her and the new baby settled.

Tbh, I am wondering why you'd book a weekend away so close to the birth anyway? Anything could have happened. I think I'd have left it just in case, personally.

You need to get tougher with him, for the sake of everyone involved, but, like someone else said, this weekend is not the best time to put your foot down!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

pinkshoes wrote: »

I think this whole situation sounds awful and you are ALL being selfish and pig headed!

These are children for heaven's sake! Not dogs/hamsters/fish!

Reality check time:

Yes, he's being a pain in the rear for not wanting them this weekend, but his OH has just had a C section and a baby, so he is hardly in a position to give his full attention to his daughters, so probably feels it's better if they stay with you. He's probably sleep deprived and exhausted, so will be grouchy.

Why is your OH kicking up such a fuss? These are your daughters we're talking about, so he should be thrilled to have them! No plans are set in stone when you have kids. It's life!

I have a close friend who gets his two boys every other weekend, and it's not easy when you aren't residential parent, as you're not the one who gets to organise most aspects of their life.

Hes got a newborn - hes going to be tired and grouchy for the next few months, does that mean he should not have his children until new baby is 2 and sleeping through the night? No, he should still have them and deal with it like thousands of people do every single day. He has three kids, not one. Yes his OH probably needs time to recover but at the end of the day they are HIS kids and HE should want to include them in the new family or they may feel pushed out by the new baby and start to resent it. No one is asking the x's OH to have the kids, OP is saying their dad should have them.

pinkshoes

mommyme wrote: »

Hes got a newborn - hes going to be tired and grouchy for the next few months, does that mean he should not have his children until new baby is 2 and sleeping through the night? No, he should still have them and deal with it like thousands of people do every single day. He has three kids, not one. Yes his OH probably needs time to recover but at the end of the day they are HIS kids and HE should want to include them in the new family or they may feel pushed out by the new baby and start to resent it. No one is asking the x's OH to have the kids, OP is saying their dad should have them.

I didn't say he wouldn't have the kids because he was grouchy, so that's irrevant. You have mis-interpreted what i said.

We're talking about ONE weekend here, as his OH has just had a C section and baby, so she'll be very sore, and he'll be looking after the baby most the time no doubt.

Why can't people see the bigger picture here? Just try and put yourself in his shoes? I really can't see what all the fuss is about.

If I were the OP, I'd be more p*ssed off at my OH if he kicked up a fuss about having to have MY kids for a weekend just because it wasn't planned.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

pinkshoes wrote: »

I didn't say he wouldn't have the kids because he was grouchy, so that's irrevant. You have mis-interpreted what i said.

We're talking about ONE weekend here, as his OH has just had a C section and baby, so she'll be very sore, and he'll be looking after the baby most the time no doubt.

Why can't people see the bigger picture here? Just try and put yourself in his shoes? I really can't see what all the fuss is about.

If I were the OP, I'd be more p*ssed off at my OH if he kicked up a fuss about having to have MY kids for a weekend just because it wasn't planned.

Ah i took it as he shouldnt have the kids because he would be tired

The way im looking at it is:

Yes his OH has had a baby but why should he exclude the girls? Its one week atm - from OP's original post he hasnt exactly been helpful in the past so i dont see how that is going to change in the future unless OP stands her ground. Lots of people have operations all the time and manage to look after kids - x hasnt had the op, so why cant he have them? the girls are probably looking forward to seeing the new baby and kids can be a wonderful help

Flashdaisy

I sympathise Jo_R. I have a 10 year old DD from my previous marriage, I split from her father when she was a baby. To be fair, he has always maintained contact with DD, and they have a fairly good relationship, however it does sometimes annoy me that everything has to be "tailored" to suit him, with no regard from him for DD, myself, my DH and our two other children.

It's not that I don't want DD at home, far from it, it is just very annoying that each weekend that he has DD (she stays at his overnight every other Friday night) he will phone on the Thursday night and say "I will pick her up at X time tomorrow", and it is always varying times, meaning that anything that we want to do on a Friday evening (which would fully include DD) has to be done to fit in around him and the time he wants to pick her up. He also expects to be able to have her overnight for extra nights at the drop of a hat, or to cancel contact with her if he is doing something else.

Of course, we put up with things without complaint, as I want DD to maintain her relationship with him, however I do think that he feels that him and his needs are far important than the needs of anyone else, but of course that is why he is now an ex!

mummy_Jay

Jo_R, I think you have to accept that he wont have the girls this time but tell him he needs to explain to them himself. I would also ask that if he's not going to have the girls all weekend could they come over for an hour or so to meet their new sibling.

I also think you, your ex and both OHs, need to sitdown together and talk through the current access agreement and make sure its the best option for all of you and your extended families. You also need to make it clear that you expect him to explain to the girls if he changes arrangements. You also need to let you know a couple of weeks in advance (where possible) if he wants to change the arrangement, so you can both work together to manage the girls expectation. Remind him he needs to work with you, not just do his own thing.

pinkshoes

mommyme wrote: »

Ah i took it as he shouldnt have the kids because he would be tired

The way im looking at it is:

Yes his OH has had a baby but why should he exclude the girls? Its one week atm - from OP's original post he hasnt exactly been helpful in the past so i dont see how that is going to change in the future unless OP stands her ground. Lots of people have operations all the time and manage to look after kids - x hasnt had the op, so why cant he have them? the girls are probably looking forward to seeing the new baby and kids can be a wonderful help

Fair enough.

I don't think it's really about excluding the girls. It's more about one weekend not having them, so he can concentrate on looking after his OH and new baby, which personally I think is a reasonable request.

My aunt had a C section, and was in agony for a couple of weeks, and even getting up to pee was hard work and painful, so my uncle not only had to look after the newborn baby (scary prospect for man! They don't give birth to them!!), but also her. Typical male - not born to multitask, but wanting to do it all on his own... :rolleyes:

I just think that any previous agro over the girls should be a separate issue, and deal with this as a one off request.

Dancing_Shoes

I agree with Pinkshoes. If you tell him he has to have them and he actually does collect them then there is a big chance he and his oh will be very resentful and i'm sure whatever you feel about the situation you wouldn't want to think of your girls feeling like they were in the way.
I agree that he is messing you around and this obviously needs to be addressed but at a time when emotions aren't running so high and his oh hasn't just given birth (we all know how stressful that is:eek:)
It is great that his oh has such a great relationship with your daughters and I think if you insist that he has them then she will feel very resentful as from what I can gather a C section is very draining.

Jo_R_2

pinkshoes - I take on board what you're saying. I'll be honest, it's hard to separate previous difficulties - I'm not perfect and I do feel resentment at times.

Also despite what I've said, I *do* see things from his POV, and hers. Of course it's going to be hard and I can understand he wants to concentrate on looking after his OH. He's perfectly capable however of phoning other people who are not me and seeing if people can help him out - that's what we do when needed - that's what people do when they have children to look after. What he does is phones me expecting to help then when I can't, dumps responsibility of DDs' care when they should be in his care, onto me - which is what he's done now. He doesn't bother asking anyone else, eg his mum, dad, other family like I would do.

He didn't help us when I had to go to hospital, as I mentioned, yet he expects me to do the same for him? Double standards and again, I'm not perfect but that does make it hard for me to even want to help out with arrangements.