How to deal with ex

NAR

Jo_R wrote: »

OH has taken a real dislike to ex; he thinks I am too nice for no reason after the way ex has treated me since we broke up; and somewhat selfishly but understandably OH is sick of having to organise our social lives around whether ex wants to have the girls or not.

I don't mind helping out but it is the expectation that I will always be there to fit around his life and that my plans are dispensable that really winds me up.

To me herein lies the crux of the situation. Your ex has been used to being a selfish !!!!!! and having the arrangements to suit him, irrespective of what your plans might be. You definitely have to put a stop to this attitude, he is their father and he does have a (nearly equal) responsibilty towards them.

He should have the girls and I'm sure they are looking forward to seeing the new arrival. Yes it will have to be explained that OH's partner is poorly and they will have to behave and help daddy where possible. But there are loads of families that have other children in the house after mother has had a c section - she is not the first person in the world to have it for goodness sake.

red_devil

I feel sorry for the kids if they pick up on the argument.

Its trivial in the grand scheme of things, yes possibly he should have her and cope many do. If he cant and dosent want too though, does it matter, why cant she just stay home!

things will never be perfect in families and you cant please all all the time. you muddle along!

MrsE_2

red_devil wrote: »

I feel sorry for the kids if they pick up on the argument.

Its trivial in the grand scheme of things, yes possibly he should have her and cope many do. If he cant and dosent want too though, does it matter, why cant she just stay home!

things will never be perfect in families and you cant please all all the time. you muddle along!

Exactly how I see it.

Two little girls feeling no one wants them this weekend

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

i wonder . . What will happen if they have another baby? Will their current LO be sent away because parents cant cope? NO! so why should it be different for his kids?

londoner1998

Jo_R wrote: »

Hi all

I have two DDs with my ex and had an amicable relationship generally. He has them every other weekend but rarely anything inbetween - although he takes an interest in what's happening with them, he's only actually involved if it falls on a weekend he has them.

He has previously said when I asked if he could keep the girls an extra night as I was ill no,and that in future could I ask him last for help?:rolleyes: As a result we rarely ask him for anything.

Him and his OH have just had a baby and he has gone mad at me because his OH is coming out of hospital this weekend after a c-sec and wanted to not have DDs as was planned and I said we couldn't have them.

He has never helped out when we've been stuck with DDs but has an expectation that if he wants to change plans then we should automatically be available or cancel any plans or appointments or weekends away (and yes he has said this.) He has also said that it reflects on my lack of commitment to DDs' care if I don't have them when he should.

I sympathise that things didn't go as planned (I do, his OH is lovely and v. good with DDs) but I said what has happened is *his* life, and just as we don't expect him to have the girls to fit around our lives, and we would have to make our own arrangements for DDs should the same have happened with us (we have a 6-month old), as he obviously expects us to, when they are in his care then he needs to take responsibility and make arrangements, not send me nasty texts. I have helped him out plenty of times but the favour is never returned.

OH is furious with ex even though they have been friends for years - for him this is the culmination of two years of ex breaking plans, being unsupportive but completely demanding when he wants something, and us having to change our plans and lives depending on what's going on with the ex that month. He's also asking why ex says all this to me but never to him - and it's because ex wouldn't dare converse with OH the way he does to me because basically OH would deck him - I always try and dampen things down for the sake of the girls having stability.

Ex told me "this isn't good enough" and I flipped - how dare he talk to me like that - aren't we entitled to have lives, plans at the weekend - what the hell has it got to do with him if we've planned something for this weekend as he is due to have DDs?

Sorry for going mad but I needed to let off some steam - I feel sick of ex's attitude and him demeaning my parenting skills if I don't jump when he clicks my fingers - and I'm dreading this continuing now he has his baby. I'm pleased for them but I hate saying no to him because I get the nasty comments and the guilt trips and I know this is going to continue. What can I do?

Oh, this sounds sooo familiar- my OH has an 11 year of with his ex and I am in your OH's position. We endured countless situations like that - My OH adores his daughter and so many times in 6 1/2 years our plans have gone to poo becasue of his ex changing her mind at the last minute or just not being where she should be at the right time... bear in mind that we have the girl every weekend...
Anyway- I put up with this in silence for about 4 years until I started to speak my mind. OH and I have had countless arguments due to upset plans, but he is the one that gets blackmailed and criticised on his parental abilities if he needs to work for example (her weekends are free, even if he really needs to be at work or the girl is sick- unbelivable but true). We have had words and I made it very clear to her that I am not as patient as my OH and that she will be in trouble if she continues like that. I would say- you need to start saying 'No'- he is a grown up man and knows his responsibility towards his daughter- he should have planned around this. He can sort it out now. Don't let him control your life any more, he is not a part of it, but he is a part of your daughters', legally and morally. It really is not his business if you have them or not when HE should be with them. Everything needs to be done for the sake of the girls and if he doesn't like it, you can offer not to share it with him, as he obviously puts himself first and wants everyone else to dance to is tune- at least you will know where you stand. Please, please, please, think of the daughters - I know you do, but make it clear to him he will not be able to control you anymore. Stand your ground. Don't listen to his criticism, it is just blackmail (my poor OH had it everytime he needed a hand, and as you, the favours were never reciprocated- I took the girl to hospital for apendicitis and she had the cheek to turn up only the morning after and spend all the time outside 'having a fag' while he slept there). My best friend has been in this situation and since her ex-partner got married and had another baby, he has washed his hands clean of the whole thing. This girl is now 10 and is growing up virtually without parents.
I sympathise with your OH- I would also deck the ex if I had the chance- since I had the chance to speak to her clearly (ie, without the diplomacy that a shared baby brings) and made it clear she is not fooling anybody, she is behaving a bit better with him...
Good luck.

red_devil

MrsE wrote: »

Exactly how I see it.

Two little girls feeling no one wants them this weekend

Awful. Feel sorry for them hope they dont know!

Skippycat

Now that the new baby is here the ex should be doing his best to include his other children so that they don't feel left out and that they're no longer wanted because there is a new baby on the scene. It's a shame because I would assume that the OP's kids are probably looking forward to seeing the new baby. By refusing to have the children this weekend the ex is sending them the message that he doesn't have time for them and they're certainly not a part of his new family. By doing this the ex will make the children feel negative and resentful towards their new brother or sister.

I'm a great believer that people shouldn't be having more and more children if they can't be bothered to take an interest in or look after the ones that they've already got. The ex needs to decide whether or not he wants to be a proper father, none of this I'm only a daddy when it's convenient to me nonsense.

galvanizersbaby

mommyme wrote: »

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

I also think that this could be the start of something and that it may not be the last time he doesnt want them. What happens when he works and doesnt get any sleep because the new born is up all night? what happans if the next time he is supposed to have the kids his OH is unwell and he has to look after the newborn?

I never said stop contact - i said hint. Surely it would be better to have the set days and if he doesnt keep up the agreement then his loss. Kids wont suffer because one parent isnt around, trust me, i know. It would be better if he would pay an interest but if he keep letting them down then why would you want to put your kids through that?

I agree with the first part of your post - though I'm not sure it's the start of something - sounds like it's been going on a long time ;(

I think this is a bit of a sweeping statement tbh - I know my kids certainly would suffer if I tried to stop/interfere in their relationship with their dad.
I get the impreassion that the OP's children also have built up a relationship with their father (whether he is reliable or not)
I disagree on this

marshmallows

I would think that maybe his wife/gf has asked that she has some space when she comes out of hospital. IF she is a first time mum (im sure you lot remember what its like) maybe she feels a bit overwhelmed by it all and just wants some settling in time.
When my husbands x had her 4th child , we had my husbands kids and she got a friend of hers to look after her other one because she wanted time to get the baby settled

I am not saying the OP's x is right in the way he has acted, he should have given more notice and asked nicely

smartpicture

I think your OH is right to be angry, you have to put it stop to his selfishness and make it more equal, BUT - you picked the wrong weekend to make your stance.

This way they're going to end up feeling like the hard done by ones, and that you're the one being unreasonable, and if anything it's only going to make them more awkward in future.