How to deal with ex

myothercarisaferrari

I just think its a bit selfish to ask them.I can understand why the OP is upset but its one weekend where their baby is being born, I'm sure they didnt arrange it to incovenience the OP's plans

myothercarisaferrari

so if he can't have them its ok for the PWC to threaten to stop access??

Skippycat

myothercarisaferrari wrote: »

I think its pretty selfish to ask him to watch them while his Oh has just come out of hospital having a C section

sorry x

I don't think the OP is being selfish at all. The man has a responsibility to all of his children not just the latest one. Other people manage looking after their kids when their partner comes home from hospital after a C-section so why can't he? I feel very sorry for the OP having to put up with having such a childish and selfish ex. The guy needs to realise that children are a full time responsibility. I feel a bit sorry for his new partner as well. I'm guessing this new partner can't be very bright though? I'm just wondering why his new partner would want to have a baby with a man that can't really be bothered with the children he already has and only really wants to be a dad when it is convenient and at a time agreed x days / weeks in advance.

piratefairy

Considering he can only be bothered to find time once a fortnight to see them anyway, he doesn't sound like the sort of father I would want in my kids' lives! My OH's ex is the same, changes plans at the last minute and stops him seeing his dd if it doesn't suit her, and yet when her grandma went to hospital last weekend, it was fine for her to call up OH and expect him (us) to drop everything to look after his dd. Not that that's a problem, but it's the same kinda irritating ignorance.

Jo_R_2

I should say I initially said yes but after checking with OH who went mad I had to go back to ex and say no we can't.

OH has taken a real dislike to ex; he thinks I am too nice for no reason after the way ex has treated me since we broke up; and somewhat selfishly but understandably OH is sick of having to organise our social lives around whether ex wants to have the girls or not.

Ex has previously not turned up to collect girls if I haven't agreed to change arrangements; this was a while ago however. I should say I am happy to meet him halfway usually; eg last time they were due to have DDs all weekend he asked if they could put off having them til Sat am as they were hoping things were going to get going after a hospital appointment Friday; I didn't have anything planned and was happy to do this. If he has to work late or on a Saturday I have had DDs on his weekend etc.

galvanizersbaby it is the fact that I am the easy option; me and him are in the same boat, ie if we want a babysitter then we have people we can ask but obviously these are not always available. I am fortunate to have more options than he does; he sees this as to his advantage and deems it my responsibility to make arrangements with these people when he is due to have DDs if he doesn't want to have them.

I don't mind helping out but it is the expectation that I will always be there to fit around his life and that my plans are dispensable that really winds me up. Plus the fact that I fell ill 3 days after baby was bornand OH had to take me to doctors who sent me to hospital, with baby and DD2 in tow, ex wouldn't help out because it would mean he'd have to take DD1 to school in the morning and he didn't want to - we ended up having to get DD1 from school with me doubled over in agony before we could go to hospital and could hardly walk, then had to stop off home and find someone to look after DDs and OH has never forgiven ex for this - neither have I if I'm being honest.

Skippycat

MrsE wrote: »

But the OP can't force him to collect them & have them?

No, but at the same time the OP shouldn't have to. Her ex should WANT to spend time with HIS children. I'm getting the impression here that the ex sees looking after his own kids as somewhat of an inconvenience. That's the saddest thing about all of this. I wonder how long it'll be before the novelty of the newest baby wears off......

galvanizersbaby

myothercarisaferrari wrote: »

I just think its a bit selfish to ask them.I can understand why the OP is upset but its one weekend where their baby is being born, I'm sure they didnt arrange it to incovenience the OP's plans

It sounds to me as though it was already planned and then ex's OH ended up having a c-section or maybe it was a planned section and she didn't realise how drained she was going to feel - either way it sounds as though it was already planned for ex to have the girls?

I can kind of see both sides of this as I am a parent who shares care with my ex hubbie of our 2 children but thankfully I have not encountered any problems like this - we are both flexible and put the kids first - can't say it sounds as though OP's ex is quite like this?

Also that said I have had 2 c sections (both planned so I knew in advance) so I can see how ex's OH may be not feeling up to the job - but really they are her OH's responsibility and he should sort them out (i.e. pull his weight or arrange for help from relatives with them) in my opinion.

galvanizersbaby

Jo_R wrote: »

I should say I initially said yes but after checking with OH who went mad I had to go back to ex and say no we can't.

OH has taken a real dislike to ex; he thinks I am too nice for no reason after the way ex has treated me since we broke up; and somewhat selfishly but understandably OH is sick of having to organise our social lives around whether ex wants to have the girls or not.

Ex has previously not turned up to collect girls if I haven't agreed to change arrangements; this was a while ago however. I should say I am happy to meet him halfway usually; eg last time they were due to have DDs all weekend he asked if they could put off having them til Sat am as they were hoping things were going to get going after a hospital appointment Friday; I didn't have anything planned and was happy to do this. If he has to work late or on a Saturday I have had DDs on his weekend etc.

galvanizersbaby it is the fact that I am the easy option; me and him are in the same boat, ie if we want a babysitter then we have people we can ask but obviously these are not always available. I am fortunate to have more options than he does; he sees this as to his advantage and deems it my responsibility to make arrangements with these people when he is due to have DDs if he doesn't want to have them.

I don't mind helping out but it is the expectation that I will always be there to fit around his life and that my plans are dispensable that really winds me up. Plus the fact that I fell ill 3 days after baby was bornand OH had to take me to doctors who sent me to hospital, with baby and DD2 in tow, ex wouldn't help out because it would mean he'd have to take DD1 to school in the morning and he didn't want to - we ended up having to get DD1 from school with me doubled over in agony before we could go to hospital and could hardly walk, then had to stop off home and find someone to look after DDs and OH has never forgiven ex for this - neither have I if I'm being honest.

As I mentioned I don't really have any probs like this with my ex - he is a a good dad

Re him seeing you as having more options - I guess I am the one with slightly more options on this front i.e. mum and sister - (his mum died a couple of years back and his sister doesn't like children) so if the rare occasion has arisen and he has a problem collecting the kids and I haven't been in a convienient situ to assist he has suggested my mum and I have replied something along the lines of - 'you could try her - she may be available' and knocked the responsibility back in to his court so to speak
Obviously this only works because both my mum and sister are happy to hear from him and help if they can
Not sure if this would be an option for you though?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

mommyme wrote: »

I dont know name of the company - someone will be ablong who knows it - but cant you have it in writing what days he is to have your DDs and if he cant have them then threaten to sop access? (harsh i know)[/QUOTE]

Do you not think that this might be very damaging for OP's children :rolleyes:

Speaking as a parent who has a shared care agreement with my children's father I think a degree of flexibility is required by both parties but unfortunately it seem's that all the give is on OP's side

I also think that this could be the start of something and that it may not be the last time he doesnt want them. What happens when he works and doesnt get any sleep because the new born is up all night? what happans if the next time he is supposed to have the kids his OH is unwell and he has to look after the newborn?

I never said stop contact - i said hint. Surely it would be better to have the set days and if he doesnt keep up the agreement then his loss. Kids wont suffer because one parent isnt around, trust me, i know. It would be better if he would pay an interest but if he keep letting them down then why would you want to put your kids through that?

MrsE_2

MrsAnnie wrote: »

No, but to imply that the OP is selfish because she has other plans and that the father should not have to watch HIS own children is ludicrous!

Why is it that some people think it is acceptable that the NRP should get to pick and choose when they get to look after their own children based on whether it is convenient or not!

My ex was a git & acted like a plum for years. I let him pick & choose when he wanted to see her. What else could I do? Demand he pick her up on such a date & when he didn't show she feels terrible Feels like I don't even want her there Like I want her elsewhere/off my hands

What goes around comes around, kids see it for what it is as they grow up.
They will remember the let downs & palming off.
Its important they don't feel like anyone wants them "off their hands" for the weekend, if he doesn't care if they feel like that, then its up to the OP to make sure they know she wants them there.