How to deal with ex

fantasia322

I don't think its right to 'hint' even at stopping his contact. Even hinting smacks of 'using the children' even though I realise that is not what you are intimating.
Agreed these are his children, but if you two of you are still co-parenting, would'nt it have been better for the 2 of you to have sat down and worked out what would have been happening over 'access' to his children with the pending birth of 'his' other child. If he doesnt have the children then they will fell pushed aside in favour of the new one. On the other hand we all have to make sacrifices and would it really hurt to come & go a lilttle. I wouldnt fancy having 2 lively kids running around if I'd had a c-section and was just home with a new baby.
Is there no way you can find a compromise.....?

Skippycat

marshmallows wrote: »

I would think that maybe his wife/gf has asked that she has some space when she comes out of hospital. IF she is a first time mum (im sure you lot remember what its like) maybe she feels a bit overwhelmed by it all and just wants some settling in time.
When my husbands x had her 4th child , we had my husbands kids and she got a friend of hers to look after her other one because she wanted time to get the baby settled

I am not saying the OP's x is right in the way he has acted, he should have given more notice and asked nicely

The new partner knew that he already had kids when she got together with him though. In that case she has had plenty of time to come to terms with the fact that he has other people to be taking care of as well (so unfortunately everything can't just revolve around her and her baby). The new partner should not be asking him to exclude his other children from family life. By the sounds of it the ex (and perhaps his new partner as well) need to come to terms with the fact that children don't just disappear when the timing is inconvenient.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

i would just be worried about the effect it would have if the ex keeps choping and changing his mind when a new situation arrives - it will make the kids resent their step sibling. OP isnt asking ex's OH to have the kids, so it shouldnt matter if ex's OH needs rest

MrsE_2

mommyme wrote: »

i would just be worried about the effect it would have if the ex keeps choping and changing his mind when a new situation arrives - it will make the kids resent their step sibling. OP isnt asking ex's OH to have the kids, so it shouldnt matter if ex's OH needs rest

But the OP can't really police that, its up to the ex how he makes it & hes not doing himself any favours.
But he can't be forced to be a dutiful dad.

marshmallows

Skippycat wrote: »

The new partner knew that he already had kids when she got together with him though. In that case she has had plenty of time to come to terms with the fact that he has other people to be taking care of as well (so unfortunately everything can't just revolve around her and her baby). The new partner should not be asking him to exclude his other children from family life. By the sounds of it the ex (and perhaps his new partner as well) need to come to terms with the fact that children don't just disappear when the timing is inconvenient.

I personally don't think if this is indeed the case that the new g/f is in the wrong and she is hardly excluding her stepchildren by asking if he could make alternate arrangements especially after a c-section, it seems as though he has just instead of asking and explaining the situation he has been a bit of a jerk and expected it.
Alot of parents including ones still together often make other arrangements following the birth of a new child.

In an ideal world the parents would be able to communicate but it seems as though the OP's x has lots of demands, demands the OP to be flexible but he is the opposite

marshmallows

i would think by the sounds of it if the OP's x doesnt want the kids he will just refuse to show up and unfortunately you can;t force someone to look after their children if they are already being looked after, trust me i know

Jo_R_2

Just to cover a few points...

Oh DDs *never* are exposed to any arguments or any bad feeling. I make an effort to be chatty - anything they see is always friendly chat - even if it's the last thing I feel like doing! Daddy and stepmummy are always talked about positively, DD1 encouraged to phone to speak to them in the week if she has something she wants to share with them.

I have in the past had to make excuses for why daddy has had to not see them one weekend, or why he hasn't turned up - incredibly difficult but I have never let on that he has changed things for a terrible reason or just not turned up, or been late because he's slack - I've had to make up things and tell ex later so he can stick to a 'story' so they don't feel let down.

I love DDs of course and I would never let them feel they're not wanted. It's not to do with that - at the end of the day if they were here it would be like any other weekend they're at home. It's that we make plans for the weekend based on when they're planned to stay with ex. My concern is their relationship with their dad - lovely for DDs that they have a new baby sibling and they're terribly excited to meet baby - but ex and his OH having a baby is their life, not mine, and whether it sounds brusque or not, I'm not dropping my plans because he's clicked his fingers.

If however he had said a few weeks/months ago, we'd appreciate if things didn't go to plan etc then we might need you to keep hold of the girls, would that work with you - then I couldn't see any problem with that. We had to make those arrangements for us when we had baby. However in absence of such a conversation I had no reason to believe he would need help - and as such I'm not on call planning appointments, days out around him having his baby iyswim.

NAR - what you said here:

He should have the girls and I'm sure they are looking forward to seeing the new arrival. Yes it will have to be explained that OH's partner is poorly and they will have to behave and help daddy where possible. But there are loads of families that have other children in the house after mother has had a c section - she is not the first person in the world to have it for goodness sake.

pretty much sums it up. If they lived with him he'd have to make arrangements because he is their parent - that doesn't change because they DON'T live with him, he still has to make arrangements

oystercatcher

This Ex sounds very much like my Ex in that he always views his own needs as more important than anyone elses...this is one of the many reasons he is an Ex! I have learned to accept that he isn't going to change and I can't make him do things or change the way he thinks.
I know he loves his kids but he'll never be a perfect parent we just have to accept what he can give (which has amounted to a lot of money over the years but not a lot of time !)

I have always thought the childrens stability was of utmost importance. They lived with me and always had a place there, they stayed with their Dad on most alternate weekends however these visits were frequently changed, mostly due to buisness commitments, sometimes due to illness, sometimes for reasons I wasn't sure about !! The children and I just accepted that Dad has them when he can but can't be relied upon !! They know he loves them and as they have grown older I think they have seen his faults too, eldest has said he doesn't want a job like his Dad's as it ruins family life !!

When we have planned to go away we have always made the assumption that the children could well be with us. Several times we have ended up with two of us rattling around in a huge three or four bedroomed holiday cottage because boys have gone to stay with their Dad as planned, but I've always had the reassurance and they have had the stability that they can be with me if needed.

So Jo-R you have to have a word with your current DH and explain that you need to be the stability in your girls life and that may mean no weekends off. Think of it as a bonus when you do get a break from them !
You can't change your Ex you can't force him to have the children but you can very definitely make the girls feel unwanted if they get the slightest hint that nobody wants to have them one weekend and they will pick up on this is it becomes a point of argument between you all.

Best compromise for this weekend would perhaps be for the girls to have a very short vist to see the new baby and say hello and then let the new parents have some peace and quiet. If they can regain their energy now then maybe they will feel ready to have the girls again sooner ? I think you just have to value what Ex can give you rather than asking for what he's not prepared to give!

Jo_R_2

oystercatcher - good POV. I told myself the very same thing a while ago. Thing is, my fault is that I believe the way I see things, ie me, OH, DDs and baby all as a family, is how ex and his OH should view things, albeit if only physically for 4 days a month.

He acts like they're an optional extra though and I should know by now what he's like. I do worry this is the start of things to come - DDs being an inconvenience when baby things happen with them and handing them back when any other family unit would have to deal with the situation themselves - rather than him embracing his larger family and working as a family that I very much want DDs to be involved in.

DD1 is old enough (5) to work out when she's staying with daddy and is incredibly excited at meeting her "new baby" LOL... As it stands I have no idea whether he's going to turn up, or what he's going to do - or not do - so I'm just looking forward to a phone conversation to "sort things out"...

MrsAnnie

Jo_R wrote: »

Just to cover a few points...


I have in the past had to make excuses for why daddy has had to not see them one weekend, or why he hasn't turned up - incredibly difficult but I have never let on that he has changed things for a terrible reason or just not turned up, or been late because he's slack - I've had to make up things and tell ex later so he can stick to a 'story' so they don't feel let down.

Hi Jo_R I agree with everything you have said so far except this.

Why are YOU covering his butt!?! Agreed, you should not argue with him infront of the girls or slag hm off to them etc etc but to make up excuses for his slack behaviour is going to far IMO. Let him explain to him to your DDs why HE has let them down or disappointed them. You are burdening yourself with his crap. No wonder he thinks that you are there to tidy up after him time after time. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions. Sorry to be so blunt x