Boyfriend been using my credit card

geri1965_2

I just had a call from my bank - they said they had written to me a few times regarding the outstanding balance on my credit card and wanted to discuss with me about paying it off. I told them I hadn't received any letters and wasn't aware there was balance o/s -turns out there is almost £800 owing.

My OH was with me when I got the call and he said quickly "It will be paid off tomorrow, I've been meaning to talk to you about this." I told the bank I would ring them tomorrow and after a discussion with the OH it seems he has been using it for a few months to take cash out as he was short of money (he is unemployed) and had hidden the letters, he was hoping to be able to pay it off before I found out by asking his mum for the money.

I feel completely and utterly stunned - totally betrayed, and I can't stop crying. We have been together for almost 6 years and I thought I could trust him - now I feel like I don't even know him at all.

We had a big row yesterday because he took £20 out of a tin where I keep money hidden in the bedroom yesterday, to buy some drink, and I almost threw him out then, but I gave him a second chance - but this? I can't forgive him for this, can I?

What do I do? I am pieces here and I just can't think straight. Should I chuck him out? I don't want to end it - I just want it to be undone.

cte1111

I had a very similar situation with my partner a few years ago. I gave him chance after chance but sadly he never learnt to act responsibly and behaved in the same way, e.g. running up bills, hiding them, borrowing from his mum to try and cover up, even stealing from the cash jar exactly like your OH. I eventually asked him to move out and hoped he would then wake up and pay me back, at least some of the money. He never did and I was lucky enough to meet a more reliable, less selfish man who I am now married to.

It's not about him not earning atm, it's his attitude to money and lying to you that is the problem. It's not easy though, when you think you are in a good relationship otherwise to make the decision. But I did find that the lying about money was part of a general wish to not grow up and look after your own life.

geri1965_2

Yeah, I think you are right. I've told him that when he goes to his mum's tomorrow to get the money, he is not coming back unless he has a job.

I seem to attract unemployed losers - my last two relationships were with people who didn't have jobs, both of whom now have jobs and my OH had a job when I met him - I thought he was different.

What is about me that people think they can just sponge off me and I will put up with it?

lynzpower

What is about me that people think they can just sponge off me and I will put up with it?

Maybe you are just too tolerant

If i were in your shoes I would be more concerned that he had borrowed the money from your secret tin , to buy drink. Does he have a drink problem? What has this other 800 been spent on? Did you notice anything- maybe you didnt say? Did you see him spending it and worried where it had come from but said nothing?

geri1965_2

Yes, he does have a drink problem - it's the thing we row about most. He is a binge drinker, and likes to have one day a week where he will get totally bladdered. He used to drink a whole bottle of Southern Comfort, but now he has changed to wine and drinks 2 bottles. We rowed on Monday because he drank two (with what I thought was the last of his money) and then wanted me to lend him £4 to get another, and I said no.

The money has been spent over the last two months, he certainly hasn't been flash with his cash but I don't know how much he gets anyway. He used to get JSA but apparently he doesn't sign on anymore, that's why he needed the money.

The thing that bothers me is how long it would have gone on for, if the bank hadn't rang me. Because I had no balance on my VISA (prior to this) I didn't get statements so I wouldn't have noticed it. Maybe I should keep more of an eye on my balances online, but I had no reason to think he would do this.

Pssst

He is possibly guilty of theft, a criminal offence. Put him under notice that you wish to receive that money in cash by x date at x time and that it is not forthcoming, you will report the theft to the Police.

Make sure that the date and time is timely. For example, if you tell him to have it by Saturday evening at 6pm that would be sufficient.

Once he has repaid the money, pack his bags and tell him to leave.

He is simply a drain on you, a liability.

geri1965_2

He's going to his mum's to get a cheque tomorrow. If I don't get the money, I will sell all his books. There's thousands of pounds worth here.

BitterAndTwisted

geri1965 wrote: »

Yeah, I think you are right. I've told him that when he goes to his mum's tomorrow to get the money, he is not coming back unless he has a job.

I think it might have been more prudent to have told him that after he'd come up with the £800. :eek:

It's bit of a worry that he's not signing-on any longer. Do you know why that might be?

Pursue him HARD for the £800 and then get shot of him. It's a misfortune to lose your job but an unforgiveable betrayal to steal from someone who trusts you.

carolinosourus

I had a similar problem with an ex, but he quit his job so that he could basically drink all day and play his xbox. I used to order cases of wine from one of the wine sites, one day I went to get a bottle out of the box and most of them were gone because he'd been drinking them during the day... I was living and working in London during the week, so paying my own rent, food, travel etc, then I'd go and see him at the weekend and he'd expect me to take him to Tesco and fill up a trolly of the most expensive branded stuff and put petrol in his car then leave me sitting ignored whilst he spent the entire weekend playing his xbox. Then I stopped buying him booze, we split up and I found out that his parents were still buying him alcohol. 2 years on he still owes me a lot of money and there's no way I'm ever going to get it back. (That's also how I ended up over my overdraft limit with the £300 charges I'm fighting to get back, there was no way I could afford to support us both)

It's horrendous that he would stoop so low and steal from you. I'm glad we never had a joint credit card...

Bennifred

You seem fairly sure that his mother will cover his debt - hope she can afford it............

treac

Hi Geri, I got married in 1990 and was given money as some of the gifts. We opened a joint bank account and had over £600 in there. A while later I found out I was pregnant and decided to get some money out to buy baby things......alas the account was empty - apart from a fiver. This began a pattern of our life. I would always work and he would as well (sometimes) but things would go missing - I later found out he pawned them. I even had some Euro's a few years ago for my nieces birthday as she was going on holiday. When I went to the envelope to get them out there was an IOU in there, he had cashed them. I think that was when I knew it wouldn't work out between us. I hope you get you money back and then try to decide if this will happen again - if you think it will it's probably better to sever the ties now as in time if it carries on it will make you feel worse. Best of luck with getting over this unhappy situation, it's so difficult when you have feelings for the person that is doing this kind of thing to you.