Should you ever settle?

Dancing_Shoes

anony.mouse wrote: »

Not at all, and as I came up with that analogy all of 10 minutes ago it's not to do with my therapist!

The question my therapist has posed is do I believe in the fairytale (of an ideal relationship) enough to discard reality (the relationship I actually find myself in)?

Fairytales don't exist, the romances in the films you see are just fiction. Everyone has their ups and downs and it is easy to say that you don't fit if you are going through a down but all relationships need a bit of work. My dh does lots of things that irritate me (sorry honey:o) but I accept him for who he is because I love him and know that I would always want him in my life. If you don't truly love your husband then leave him as it isn't fair on either of you.
Have you tried doing some things together, taking time out from your normal lives?

anony.mouse_3

KellyWelly wrote: »

Maybe it's just me, but surely all couples have things that annoy them about their partners? I think occasionally is asking a bit much?!

Do you feel that you love your husband? How long have you been married? Do you think maybe the initial year or few years of euphoria have faded and now you're in the long term stable in-love part of your relationship and not the early short term flighty falling-in-love stage? I believe that sometimes couples have to make a concious decision to love their husband or wife despite everything, that's how I understand what people are saying when they say 'oh, you have to work at marriage'. It isn't always, but I do think often successful marriages are not passive, you have to put in some sort of effort and concious decision making. It could be deciding that you will be kind and caring even though you don't feel like it, or it could be deciding to pick those dirty pants up even though it really pees you off or it could be a big thing like forgiving an affair.

At the moment I find it hard to answer that. On occasions where he has suggested leaving I haven't wanted him to go. At times I can't imagine not being with him and others I can't stand the sight of him. I feel more and more that he has stifled me as a person (unintentionally) and although the first few months of being together were great fun, even when we married a lot of the magic had gone. I suppose I feel that what little was left is slipping away and now we're stuck in a routine of me feeling undervalued and him feeling he's being nagged.

Surely we aren't the first to go through this?

starbump

anony.mouse wrote: »

I am convinced that there is someone out there that would fit better with me but I have to decide whether to stick or risk losing everything for something that might not exist... So my question is, is it ever right to settle?

Yes, you should "settle" for Mr Right as there is no Mr Perfect. Everyone has their own irritating follies and foibles, whether acknowledged or not.

poet123

The reality of marriage to a man (who are, you must realise a different species)is that they will annoy you, hourly,..... daily actually seems quite good to me, living as I do with 5 males. That is the nature of marriage, but to use a cliche love does conquer all. Speaking as the mother of 4 sons, and a wife of 28 years, you have to love them, make allowances and train them well. If you can do that, or have the will to do that, you will be ok. If it is too much work, walk away now, for all concerned.

KellyWelly

You're definitely not the first to go through it, and you won't be the last. Do you have hobbies? Do you still go out and have fun together? If all you do is go to work, come home, look at the mess he's made and go to bed cross with him every day, then I can totally understand where it's all going wrong.

My advice would be for you both to have counselling together and for you both to spend time doing a hobby together or going out together.

You do sound like you've lost your spark and you need to get out of a rut you're in. I think my husband and I felt the same way for a while some years ago tbh. We were skint because I was at home with the kids who were toddlers, we never did anything together and every day was the same old !!!!!!. We started having date night (as silly as it sounds) and just having a laugh with each other again, going to the cinema, going to comedy shows, and generally making a concious effort to appreciate each other. It worked!

anony.mouse_3

moodydonkey wrote: »

So do you believe in a fairytale? Should you discard reality?

I gave up on the fairytale a long time ago and I will not settle. Nor should you. The real question which I think you have answered is that the relationship you are in is not the right one.

I was badly hurt by previous partners and made a conscious decision that I would value dependability over excitement in future relationships. My husband is certainly dependable, but the lack of excitement over a number of years is getting to me. On the other hand none of my previous partners would have been accepted by my family, and my family do adore my husband.

My fairytale is to have it all. To adore and be adored, to feel valued and respected and cared for. To feel happy more days than not. I see couples that have been married for decades who still have that, so it must be possible.

anony.mouse_3

KellyWelly wrote: »

That is exactly the portion I was thinking of when I recommended the book to you. I think your husband needs to read the book for you to benefit and vice versa. I am sure there are things he needs from you as well as things you need from him. Are you having counselling together?

You can't get him to do more, he needs to choose to do more - if him doing the hoovering or picking up his crap will make you feel loved, then tell him. Don't nag him to do it, say "I feel really unhappy when you don't pick up the bank statements, it makes me feel really unloved".

I'm having counselling alone at the moment as I need to get my head straight. It may develop into couples counselling in time. If I can get him to come with me.

KellyWelly

Who still has it? Why do they still have it? What do they do to maintain it?

anony.mouse_3

KellyWelly wrote: »

You're definitely not the first to go through it, and you won't be the last. Do you have hobbies? Do you still go out and have fun together? If all you do is go to work, come home, look at the mess he's made and go to bed cross with him every day, then I can totally understand where it's all going wrong.

My advice would be for you both to have counselling together and for you both to spend time doing a hobby together or going out together.

You do sound like you've lost your spark and you need to get out of a rut you're in. I think my husband and I felt the same way for a while some years ago tbh. We were skint because I was at home with the kids who were toddlers, we never did anything together and every day was the same old !!!!!!. We started having date night (as silly as it sounds) and just having a laugh with each other again, going to the cinema, going to comedy shows, and generally making a concious effort to appreciate each other. It worked!

We aren't generally interested in the same things, so we have not really got any shared interests or hobbies. I feel I'm a different person in work, with friends etc.

MrsE_2

anony.mouse wrote: »

My therapist says I have three choices. settle for the person he is and bury my own feelings, .
Option 2 carries a risk that surpressing my true feelings will cause me future damage.
So my question is, is it ever right to settle? I'm getting to the age where I need to make a decision and I just don't know what to do. Please help.

Maybe its not about finding the "perfect" person, maybe its about accepting someones faults as they accept yours.
None of us are perfect, maybe you should stop looking for someone perfect as I'm sure you're not perfect (& thats not a dig).

Or are you looking not for the perfect man, but the perfect man for you?