Should you ever settle?

KellyWelly

I think a lot of the time people think the grass will be greener on the other side when really they should be taking stock of what they have and being thankful for that instead of wishing for something else or something more.

I don't know what you should do, only you can decide that, but don't throw away a good husband in case something better might come along.

moodydonkey

anony.mouse wrote: »

No I'm not, but I was trying to illustrate my point.

Which has now gone? Because I don't think it was you speaking but your therapist.

Not meant as horrible as it sounded believe me.

anony.mouse_3

aliasojo wrote: »

It wasn't my intention. Your post is all about you, clearly you are in a quandry but there are two of you in this relationship and you need to remember that. Have you ever asked yourself what you bring to the marriage for your husband? You may love him, but not enough. He irritates you and you resent him but you're happy that he provides for you. It's one sided and unfair.

I've been in your husband's shoes. It's not nice. Bite the bullet now, life is too short, for you and for him.

You misunderstand me. He doesn't provide for me. We both work extremely hard and are both careful with money, so I feel safe financially because we have the same ideas about money. I know that when he goes away on boys weekends I have nothing to worry about. Long term those things are important to me. We both bring to the marriage, but like everyone we have our ups and downs. At the moment the down is lasting a very long time and I don't know if it is just an extended blip or that we are unsuited and shouldn't be together.

KellyWelly

Do you really think that you will find another boyfriend/husband who doesn't do things that annoy you?

I am obssessively tidy and married to the laziest messiest slob in the world. I annoy him with my fussing and he annoys me with his messiness, it works both ways, you see. I don't think he is being disrespectful to me by not putting his post away or picking up his dirty pants off the bathroom floor, he is just being himself. I'm the one with the issue so I'm the one who picks it up.

There is more to life than getting my knickers in a twist over papers lying around.

I read a fantastic book a couple of years ago which put my marriage in a new perspective in a lot of ways - it might be of use to you. It's called The Five Love Languages. Maybe your husband could read it too? It's about showing love to your partner through your actions. Maybe your husband isn't 'speaking to you in your love language', as it says in the book. Google it, there is a website as well.

anony.mouse_3

moodydonkey wrote: »

Which has now gone? Because I don't think it was you speaking but your therapist.

Not at all, and as I came up with that analogy all of 10 minutes ago it's not to do with my therapist!

The question my therapist has posed is do I believe in the fairytale (of an ideal relationship) enough to discard reality (the relationship I actually find myself in)?

anony.mouse_3

KellyWelly wrote: »

Do you really think that you will find another boyfriend/husband who doesn't do things that annoy you?

I am obssessively tidy and married to the laziest messiest slob in the world. I annoy him with my fussing and he annoys me with his messiness, it works both ways, you see. I don't think he is being disrespectful to me by not putting his post away or picking up his dirty pants off the bathroom floor, he is just being himself. I'm the one with the issue so I'm the one who picks it up.

There is more to life than getting my knickers in a twist over papers lying around.

I read a fantastic book a couple of years ago which put my marriage in a new perspective in a lot of ways - it might be of use to you. It's called The Five Love Languages. Maybe your husband could read it too? It's about showing love to your partner through your actions. Maybe your husband isn't 'speaking to you in your love language', as it says in the book. Google it, there is a website as well.

I expect to be annoyed by things occasionally, but not daily! Thanks for the book suggestion. I will look for it.

I found the website. This is interesting

Acts of Service
Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate. Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples will still fight because the are unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects. For example, a wife may spend her day washing the cars and walking the dog, but if her husband feels that laundry and dishes are a superior necessity, he may feel unloved, despite the fact that his wife did many other chores throughout the day. It is important to learn your mate’s dialect and work hard to understand what acts of service will show your love.
It is important to do these acts of service out of love and not obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment. It’s important to perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart.
Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. Acts of service require both mates to humble themselves into doing some chores and services that aren’t usually expected from their gender. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to your mate, and will ensure a happy



I think this is what my therapist meant by option 2. I could get my husband to do more, but it may actually cause more problems.

KellyWelly

anony.mouse wrote: »

I expect to be annoyed by things occasionally, but not daily! Thanks for the book suggestion. I will look for it.

Maybe it's just me, but surely all couples have things that annoy them about their partners? I think occasionally is asking a bit much?!

Do you feel that you love your husband? How long have you been married? Do you think maybe the initial year or few years of euphoria have faded and now you're in the long term stable in-love part of your relationship and not the early short term flighty falling-in-love stage? I believe that sometimes couples have to make a concious decision to love their husband or wife despite everything, that's how I understand what people are saying when they say 'oh, you have to work at marriage'. It isn't always, but I do think often successful marriages are not passive, you have to put in some sort of effort and concious decision making. It could be deciding that you will be kind and caring even though you don't feel like it, or it could be deciding to pick those dirty pants up even though it really pees you off or it could be a big thing like forgiving an affair.

SailorSam

Do you think that there may be things about you that annoy your OH, and he may have just 'settled'.

moodydonkey

anony.mouse wrote: »

Not at all, and as I came up with that analogy all of 10 minutes ago it's not to do with my therapist!

The question my therapist has posed is do I believe in the fairytale (of an ideal relationship) enough to discard reality (the relationship I actually find myself in)?

So do you believe in a fairytale? Should you discard reality?

I gave up on the fairytale a long time ago and I will not settle. Nor should you. The real question which I think you have answered is that the relationship you are in is not the right one.

KellyWelly

anony.mouse wrote: »

I expect to be annoyed by things occasionally, but not daily! Thanks for the book suggestion. I will look for it.

I found the website. This is interesting

Acts of Service...I think this is what my therapist meant by option 2. I could get my husband to do more, but it may actually cause more problems.

That is exactly the portion I was thinking of when I recommended the book to you. I think your husband needs to read the book for you to benefit and vice versa. I am sure there are things he needs from you as well as things you need from him. Are you having counselling together?

You can't get him to do more, he needs to choose to do more - if him doing the hoovering or picking up his crap will make you feel loved, then tell him. Don't nag him to do it, say "I feel really unhappy when you don't pick up the bank statements, it makes me feel really unloved".