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Should you ever settle?
Comments
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sunshine09 wrote: »Realistically he is going to do things to annoy you. I am 25 and my husband is 24 and we have been married 5 years and he does things that annoy me all the time. I know I annoy him by doing stuff like putting beans in a bowl in the fridge without cling film on so he always ends up knocking it over! All kinds of dumb stuff like that but so what? If you live with someone 24/7 they are going to do annoying things.
I am sure when you lived with your mum/dad/flatmate/siblings they drove you up the wall sometimes with annoying things they did and vice versa. Also life isnt going to be exciting all the time and I think it is immature to think it is. You wait until you have kids then often the most exciting thing you have to look forward to is uninterrupted sex or managing to go to the toilet without the kids following you lol! I wouldnt change it though cause everyone goes through that when the kids are young. You cant really go to 'grown up' places. Its hard to even eat your dinner if your in mcdonalds before its cold let alone have anything particularly exciting happen. If you cant handle lack of excitement that when you dont have kids then you are definitely not ready for kids yet with anyone. Also you better get used to your house looking like a bomb site within 10 minutes of waking upeven though you spend ages cleaning it when the kids were in bed! The kids do more than just leave towels on the floor when they are toddling, my daughter is always trying to jam food in my husbands xbox!
I love my husband though and he is a good man who works and cares for his daughter. I work 25 hours, cook every night and do all the cleaning but I dont mind as he works in a warehouse and has a tiring job. I dont resent him for it and do it cause I love him. In return he gives me a lie in if I need one and lets me go out with my mum for the day sometimes and have a few hours off.
Thank you for your post. You've raised an interesting point. I didn't live with my parents for long and I left home at 16. When I lived at home I had my own space, my room, my sanctuary from the world. I lived alone for the next 10 years, so my whole home was my space, my sanctuary. Now I have no space of my own. Every part of this house is shared. I have nowhere to escape to that is mine. Maybe I need to find someway of having my own space. If I have somewhere to go that is just mine when I find myself getting irritated, I may be able to deal with it better.
As for kids, well, that may never happen for me. I found it hard to read when you said "you wait until you have kids" as if I will. I have to face the fact that I may not.
I can see that you cover more of the domestics because of your set up. In our marriage I work longer hours and have a longer commute to work. Despite this my husband thinks that I should do most of the domestics. He can often be found relaxing in front of a film or tv program while I cook, wash up, clean the kitchen and put the washing in. If we did have children this is unlikely to change, and I fear I would be expected to do all of this (I would have to return to work) and take care of the children. Does that sound fair to you because it doesn't to me!0 -
anony.mouse wrote: »When I talk of moulding it's little things. When we were dating his house was tidy and clean. Now he leaves his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor and dirty dishes in the sink. Every table is covered in bank statements and other post that he can't be bothered to file. Nothing gets done unless I do it or I nag him to do it. I don't want to be a nag.
Sometimes I look at him and love him and the life we have together. Sometimes things are easy and I feel I can be myself. And then I see the mess he creates and then ignores and I want to hit him with a hammer. It's as if he can't be bothered now he has me. Why should I do everything? I'm sorry but he's not respecting me by taking me for granted.
This sounds like a classic case of 'the grass is greener' to me.
Even if you do leave and find that 'perfect' partner there will be some things they do that still get on your nerves!
Turn this around and think about what you do that drives him nuts.
...Linda xxIt's easy to give in to that negative voice that chants "cant do it" BUT we lift each other up.
We dont count all the runners ahead of us & feel intimidated.
Instead we look back proudly at our journey, our personal struggle & determination & remember that there are those that never even attempt to reach the starting line.0 -
bank_of_slate wrote: »This sounds like a classic case of 'the grass is greener' to me.
Even if you do leave and find that 'perfect' partner there will be some things they do that still get on your nerves!
Turn this around and think about what you do that drives him nuts.
...Linda xx
I buy a lot of shoes, but I did that before I married him. In fact, he commented on my shoes the very first time we met.
Having slept on in I would be happier, I think, if I had that man back. The one who paid attention to me and asked me what I thought about things. I don't think it's about wanting someone else, it's about wanting the man I thought I married.0 -
I think you know the answer yourself. However, will you ever find Mr Perfect?? What would happen if you did separate, find someone, experience that first rush of excitement/joy/lust/etc.., then, when things settle you start to find you're not happy again and see faults etc..
Sounds like he may have changed in your view since marriage - have you changed too? Inject a little excitement back into your lives - get out of the norm and go do somethign different. You woudl be amazed at what little changes you make can have on a relationship - inject some fresh air.
What is it that you want - an exciting man who you never know what you're going to get or if he truly 100% will be faithful and loves you or someone who clearly loves you, is stable and secure. Whatever you choose will be the right thing to do - you just need to be sure it is the right thing.
Remember - at the end our our lives we look back and either think how happy we are with our lot (be it with someone or not). Would you rather a life that makes you feel secure or a rollercoaster? When you're old and grey it's all about companionship, love, trust and friendship - look forward, could your hubby be this person in the future? If so, you don't know how lucky you are.
Sounds like you want a person who ticks every box - sorry but the chances you'll ever find anyone who ticks all the boxes is minute - if you do find somethign close - great - however, how long before you start seeing faults in them too? What if you moved to someone else, married them and was happy...and then they decided you were'nt perfect and moved on from you.... .that's the risk you'll take.
I do wish you all the best whatever choice you take.0 -
Try and walk a mile in the other person's shoes - and not to the therapists either.:rolleyes:
Instead of spending an hour a week talking to a therapist who is only confusing you, why not use the hour to tidy up the house? I think that might make you feel a whole lot better than your therapist does.:D
Just accept your husband is not tidy, but if that's the least of his bad habits then shut up and get on with it - he's obviously pretty good natured putting up with someone who nags him all the time, thinks more of what her therapist says than he does, is constantly wanting more more more when she knew what she was getting when she married him.
Your posts come across as very needy and whinging. Sorry to be so brutal, but you need to wake up and smell the coffee, dearie - you have a good husband there, and I suspect that no matter who you were to leave him for, you'd end up finding fault with the new one when after a while they stopped buffing their shiny armour and grooming their steed.... No one is going to rescue you and make you happy apart from yourself. Time you grabbed the reins and did what YOU think is best, not what the person getting paid £200 an hour to listen to you says....
And how about some talking therapy for free, (cos it's a moneysaving site ) - sit your husband down and TALK to him, tell him it irritates you having mess around, and that you'd rather be out doing something nice together than cleaning up at the weekends...Member of the first Mortgage Free in 3 challenge, no.19
Balance 19th April '07 = minus £27,640
Balance 1st November '09 = mortgage paid off with £1903 left over. Title deeds are now ours.0 -
Try and walk a mile in the other person's shoes - and not to the therapists either.:rolleyes:
Instead of spending an hour a week talking to a therapist who is only confusing you, why not use the hour to tidy up the house? I think that might make you feel a whole lot better than your therapist does.:D
Just accept your husband is not tidy, but if that's the least of his bad habits then shut up and get on with it - he's obviously pretty good natured putting up with someone who nags him all the time, thinks more of what her therapist says than he does, is constantly wanting more more more when she knew what she was getting when she married him.
Your posts come across as very needy and whinging. Sorry to be so brutal, but you need to wake up and smell the coffee, dearie - you have a good husband there, and I suspect that no matter who you were to leave him for, you'd end up finding fault with the new one when after a while they stopped buffing their shiny armour and grooming their steed.... No one is going to rescue you and make you happy apart from yourself. Time you grabbed the reins and did what YOU think is best, not what the person getting paid £200 an hour to listen to you says....
And how about some talking therapy for free, (cos it's a moneysaving site ) - sit your husband down and TALK to him, tell him it irritates you having mess around, and that you'd rather be out doing something nice together than cleaning up at the weekends...
Are you always this judgemental? Did you read my posts? In many ways in many ways I am less tidy than my husband, and I can be disorganised, which does sometimes annoy him. This is not about being untidy.
The therapy (which costs more like £30 an hour, not £200) helps. Why do people on this forum suggest Relate otherwise? At the moment my therapy is private, but in time I hope to involve my husband. I am trying to deal with several issues. I cannot understand your problem with my therapy.
Maybe you could explain why you think it's okay that on top of a very busy working life it is okay for him to expect me to wait on him hand and foot? You say that I knew what I was getting when I married him. I have already explained that I didn't. He used to be able to keep house himself. Since marriage it's as if he's decided that he needn't bother. In what way is that fair on me? I resent the expectation that I will do everything. He is not a child.0 -
anony.mouse wrote: »Thank you for your post. You've raised an interesting point. I didn't live with my parents for long and I left home at 16. When I lived at home I had my own space, my room, my sanctuary from the world. I lived alone for the next 10 years, so my whole home was my space, my sanctuary. Now I have no space of my own. Every part of this house is shared. I have nowhere to escape to that is mine. Maybe I need to find someway of having my own space. If I have somewhere to go that is just mine when I find myself getting irritated, I may be able to deal with it better.
As for kids, well, that may never happen for me. I found it hard to read when you said "you wait until you have kids" as if I will. I have to face the fact that I may not.
I can see that you cover more of the domestics because of your set up. In our marriage I work longer hours and have a longer commute to work. Despite this my husband thinks that I should do most of the domestics. He can often be found relaxing in front of a film or tv program while I cook, wash up, clean the kitchen and put the washing in. If we did have children this is unlikely to change, and I fear I would be expected to do all of this (I would have to return to work) and take care of the children. Does that sound fair to you because it doesn't to me!
Oh darling you really do sound quite a lot like me!;)
I feel for you, almost every word ( bar the last paragraph) has definately been part of my thinking.
As I said, fairly recently, I went through a crisis similar fairly recently. However, I was lucky to realise, it wasnt OH that was wrong it was the RELATIONSHIP. Any brief flick through any book/ website youll see that any relationship is a two way street. If you feel like you dont get compliments, ask yourself do you give them? If you feel like the romance has gone, do you do romantic things "off the cuff" ?
The only person who makes you nag is you.
I too am something of a nag.- seems to run in my family :eek::eek: But I read something recently and remembered to count my blessings. My man isnt perfect but he is a lot lot lot more perfect than the other blokes I know ( eg from work/ other peoples relationships etc) I honestly dont know any relationship that is truly better off than I am - but then I have purposely chosen to be more positive by looking at the positives. If you dont purposely notice them they can pass you by and negativity can overwhelm you.
I felt I had "no life" and "no me time" and was actually feeling a bit like flotsam on the wind. Why am i bothered about the house not being mine, is that because I dont have any outside interests that is solely for me, or a space I can be other than work? and my development. Ive started going to the gym, I love the fact its for me only. In the past we have both done short courses, to keep ourselves active so the relationship doesnt get bogged down and we have things to talk about rather than introvertly looking at the skirting and sighing that the carpet hasnt been hoovered yet. We are not 100% happy all the time I honestly dont know anyone that is, even my staunchly single freinds admit they are really just lonely.
i dont know that this relationship is or isnt for you, none of us do. But think about realistically - what are you bringing to the relationship? I asked the question to myself recently - and was not impressed with the anwer-and honestly recently Ive brough stress in from work, negativity, short temper and inability to relax and have a laugh. Really, thats not on.
The housework thing is a breakdown in communication. If you talk, I mean really talk thern you never know, with the right comunication, he can change. I say this as I have changed, to be the person that my partner wanted. I changed from being crap with money and irresponsible, to a financailly competent personHes changed too, in ways I just cant put into words, some of his negative behaviours he brought have now vanished.:T ( eg he is not jealous at all, not possessive, he definately was a bit before...)
You can walk away from this relationship, but you will be left with you at the end.
x:beer: Well aint funny how its the little things in life that mean the most? Not where you live, the car you drive or the price tag on your clothes.
Theres no dollar sign on piece of mind
This Ive come to know...
So if you agree have a drink with me, raise your glasses for a toast :beer:0 -
anony.mouse wrote: »I cannot understand your problem with my therapy.
Maybe you could explain why you think it's okay that on top of a very busy working life it is okay for him to expect me to wait on him hand and foot? You say that I knew what I was getting when I married him. I have already explained that I didn't. He used to be able to keep house himself. Since marriage it's as if he's decided that he needn't bother. In what way is that fair on me? I resent the expectation that I will do everything. He is not a child.
Two issues jump out at me....your therapy is personal for you, it's aimed at helping you come to terms and deal with whatever is bothering you. The very nature of it is singular, it's specific, it's focused on one person.
Your relationship is about two people gelling together and balancing their needs and wants. It's not specific or focused purely on one person.
Therefore there is a risk of conflict if there are marital issues as well as personal ones. It could be difficult emotionally to separate 'self' issues from 'joint' issues and deal with them both simultaneously. One requires more personal consideration whilst the other requires more consideration for the other party usually.
The other thing is that you tell us what your husband doesn't do that annoys you but I dont think (will go back in a minute and check) you've said what you've done about dealing with this so far? Have you talked to him and told him how you feel, or have you just (in your own words) 'nagged'?Herman - MP for all!0 -
The only person who makes you nag is you.
But think about realistically - what are you bringing to the relationship? I asked the question to myself recently - and was not impressed with the anwer-and honestly recently Ive brough stress in from work, negativity, short temper and inability to relax and have a laugh. Really, thats not on.
The housework thing is a breakdown in communication. If you talk, I mean really talk thern you never know, with the right comunication, he can change. I say this as I have changed, to be the person that my partner wanted. I changed from being crap with money and irresponsible, to a financailly competent personHes changed too, in ways I just cant put into words, some of his negative behaviours he brought have now vanished.:T ( eg he is not jealous at all, not possessive, he definately was a bit before...)
You can walk away from this relationship, but you will be left with you at the end.
x
Well said lynz. Sometimes the focus can be on the wrong thing. I'm not saying that IS the case here, but it should certainly be considered.Herman - MP for all!0 -
anony.mouse wrote: »Are you always this judgemental?No, only when it's obvious that touchy feely wishy washy suggestions won't work.
Did you read my posts? Yes, did you read my other 4119 posts before you decided I'm judgemental?:p
In many ways in many ways I am less tidy than my husband, and I can be disorganised, which does sometimes annoy him.This is not about being untidy.Well why mention that then? If the housework didn't matter you wouldn't have mentioned it.
The therapy (which costs more like £30 an hour, not £200) helps. If you think it helps, then maybe it does..glad it's only £30 an hour. Very MSE.:D
Why do people on this forum suggest Relate otherwise? At the moment my therapy is private,It was private till you posted in on a website with millions of hits every week. but in time I hope to involve my husband. I'm sure he'll be thrilled - lots of men love that type of thing, don't they!!
I am trying to deal with several issues. I cannot understand your problem with my therapy. That's OK, you don't have to.
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Maybe you could explain why you think it's okay that on top of a very busy working life it is okay for him to expect me to wait on him hand and foot? I didn't say wait on him hand and foot - I think you'll find I said one hour a week, not hand and foot - but 1 hour a week doing something for him rather than talking about yourself would, imho be good for your relationship. Do you always exaggerate like this? From being married for a long time, WITH a child, I know that you have to give aswell as take in a good marriage. Sometimes you need to be prepared to give first before you can receive.
You say that I knew what I was getting when I married him. I have already explained that I didn't. He used to be able to keep house himself. Since marriage it's as if he's decided that he needn't bother. In what way is that fair on me? I resent the expectation that I will do everything. He is not a child.
The disclaimer for this post reads - if you have a mental health condition then I do genuinely apologise for speaking my mind. Mental health conditions do need treatment whether chemical or otherwise via GP referrals.
For most other problems there's a glass of wine, a roll in the hay and a good night's sleep, followed by a big breakfast and a good natter the following day- that's the way to get most men to listen.;)Member of the first Mortgage Free in 3 challenge, no.19
Balance 19th April '07 = minus £27,640
Balance 1st November '09 = mortgage paid off with £1903 left over. Title deeds are now ours.0
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