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Should you ever settle?
Comments
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Oh darling you really do sound quite a lot like me!
;)
I feel for you, almost every word ( bar the last paragraph) has definately been part of my thinking.
As I said, fairly recently, I went through a crisis similar fairly recently. However, I was lucky to realise, it wasnt OH that was wrong it was the RELATIONSHIP. Any brief flick through any book/ website youll see that any relationship is a two way street. If you feel like you dont get compliments, ask yourself do you give them? If you feel like the romance has gone, do you do romantic things "off the cuff" ?
The only person who makes you nag is you.
I too am something of a nag.- seems to run in my family :eek::eek: But I read something recently and remembered to count my blessings. My man isnt perfect but he is a lot lot lot more perfect than the other blokes I know ( eg from work/ other peoples relationships etc) I honestly dont know any relationship that is truly better off than I am - but then I have purposely chosen to be more positive by looking at the positives. If you dont purposely notice them they can pass you by and negativity can overwhelm you.
I felt I had "no life" and "no me time" and was actually feeling a bit like flotsam on the wind. Why am i bothered about the house not being mine, is that because I dont have any outside interests that is solely for me, or a space I can be other than work? and my development. Ive started going to the gym, I love the fact its for me only. In the past we have both done short courses, to keep ourselves active so the relationship doesnt get bogged down and we have things to talk about rather than introvertly looking at the skirting and sighing that the carpet hasnt been hoovered yet. We are not 100% happy all the time I honestly dont know anyone that is, even my staunchly single freinds admit they are really just lonely.
i dont know that this relationship is or isnt for you, none of us do. But think about realistically - what are you bringing to the relationship? I asked the question to myself recently - and was not impressed with the anwer-and honestly recently Ive brough stress in from work, negativity, short temper and inability to relax and have a laugh. Really, thats not on.
The housework thing is a breakdown in communication. If you talk, I mean really talk thern you never know, with the right comunication, he can change. I say this as I have changed, to be the person that my partner wanted. I changed from being crap with money and irresponsible, to a financailly competent personHes changed too, in ways I just cant put into words, some of his negative behaviours he brought have now vanished.:T ( eg he is not jealous at all, not possessive, he definately was a bit before...)
You can walk away from this relationship, but you will be left with you at the end.
x
Thank you for your post lynzpower. I feel much better to know that it's not just me, and what you said makes a lot of sense.0 -
Two issues jump out at me....your therapy is personal for you, it's aimed at helping you come to terms and deal with whatever is bothering you. The very nature of it is singular, it's specific, it's focused on one person.
Your relationship is about two people gelling together and balancing their needs and wants. It's not specific or focused purely on one person.
Therefore there is a risk of conflict if there are marital issues as well as personal ones. It could be difficult emotionally to separate 'self' issues from 'joint' issues and deal with them both simultaneously. One requires more personal consideration whilst the other requires more consideration for the other party usually.
The other thing is that you tell us what your husband doesn't do that annoys you but I dont think (will go back in a minute and check) you've said what you've done about dealing with this so far? Have you talked to him and told him how you feel, or have you just (in your own words) 'nagged'?
On the therapy front, I have personal issues that stem from my early childhood that I am trying to deal with. This is not something that my husband can help with (much as he would love to be able to). The issues are affecting me now as they have come to a head and are preventing me from being able to move on personally and in my relationship. So at the moment the therapy is mine alone, but having experienced a lot of benefit from it so far I am hopeful that a separate spell of therapy will help us both.
As for talking to my husband, I have tried everything including nagging, which I hate. I've tried doing it without mentioning it, I've tried waiting for him to do it, I've tried talking to him, reasoning with him, asking him nicely, crying, explaining that I'll have to leave if things don't change. I've told him that the bottom line is that I find him thoughtless in the extreme a lot of the time and that I am hurt by that. I've resorted to refusing sex in order to punish him (which I'm not proud of but I just can't do it out of duty when I really don't want to). All of these things have had an effect for a day or 2, and then it slips back to the status quo.0 -
As for talking to my husband, I have tried everything including nagging, which I hate. I've tried doing it without mentioning it, I've tried waiting for him to do it, I've tried talking to him, reasoning with him, asking him nicely, crying, explaining that I'll have to leave if things don't change. I've told him that the bottom line is that I find him thoughtless in the extreme a lot of the time and that I am hurt by that. I've resorted to refusing sex in order to punish him (which I'm not proud of but I just can't do it out of duty when I really don't want to). All of these things have had an effect for a day or 2, and then it slips back to the status quo.
What did he say to this?
There is an article in a psychologies magazine might be on the website "Make love not dinner" about your last point, definately worth a read.:beer: Well aint funny how its the little things in life that mean the most? Not where you live, the car you drive or the price tag on your clothes.
Theres no dollar sign on piece of mind
This Ive come to know...
So if you agree have a drink with me, raise your glasses for a toast :beer:0 -
anony.mouse wrote: »On the therapy front, I have personal issues that stem from my early childhood that I am trying to deal with. This is not something that my husband can help with (much as he would love to be able to). The issues are affecting me now as they have come to a head and are preventing me from being able to move on personally and in my relationship. So at the moment the therapy is mine alone, but having experienced a lot of benefit from it so far I am hopeful that a separate spell of therapy will help us both.
As for talking to my husband, I have tried everything including nagging, which I hate. I've tried doing it without mentioning it, I've tried waiting for him to do it, I've tried talking to him, reasoning with him, asking him nicely, crying, explaining that I'll have to leave if things don't change. I've told him that the bottom line is that I find him thoughtless in the extreme a lot of the time and that I am hurt by that. I've resorted to refusing sex in order to punish him (which I'm not proud of but I just can't do it out of duty when I really don't want to). All of these things have had an effect for a day or 2, and then it slips back to the status quo.
Okay...another two things..:D...
I just want to make it clear that I'm not downing your personal therapy in any way, my only concern was that 'personal' could potentially be at odds with 'joint' aims.
Secondly, I wonder if your husband just doesn't care enough (right now) to want to make the effort for you. That's not to say he doesn't love you but perhaps he feels that he's the underdog in your eyes and it's hard for someone to play nice in that kind of situation. If he's offered to leave before, then he must be aware of how you feel and is aware of your opinion of him.
I really think your relationship needs counselling, It will help you both decide if your relationship needs work or if it's time to call it a day.Herman - MP for all!0 -
There's someone on here who has in their signature - women need to feel loved to have sex, men need sex to feel loved.
I think that's very true in a large majority of the population.
However, it should come with the caveat that in order to love and to feel loved you must first be able to love yourself. It's an old one, but it is true.
p.s. Nagging doesn't work. Good two way communication does.Member of the first Mortgage Free in 3 challenge, no.19
Balance 19th April '07 = minus £27,640
Balance 1st November '09 = mortgage paid off with £1903 left over. Title deeds are now ours.0 -
No, he's not a child, and neither are you. Both of you need to grow up and stop behaving like children. Sit down and talk things through in a civilised manner, stop throwing the teddy out the pram everytime you feel like it, or spitting the dummy when you're not getting your own way (e.g. someone answers advice on an open forum and you don't agree with them....
The disclaimer for this post reads - if you have a mental health condition then I do genuinely apologise for speaking my mind. Mental health conditions do need treatment whether chemical or otherwise via GP referrals.
For most other problems there's a glass of wine, a roll in the hay and a good night's sleep, followed by a big breakfast and a good natter the following day- that's the way to get most men to listen.;)
Oh, have you slept with a lot then?
It is possible that there may be an underlying mental condition sparked by the issues in my early childhood. I am undergoing separate testing for that. the therapy was suggested by my GP. I go once a fortnight, not once a week, so even more MSE.
In response to "I didn't say wait on him hand and foot - I think you'll find I said one hour a week, not hand and foot - but 1 hour a week doing something for him rather than talking about yourself would, imho be good for your relationship. Do you always exaggerate like this? From being married for a long time, WITH a child, I know that you have to give aswell as take in a good marriage. Sometimes you need to be prepared to give first before you can receive." I have the following points to make.
I've just sat and worked out how the past week has gone. He has worked a 40 hour week and travelled for approx 10 minutes each way. I've worked a 45 hour week and travelled an hour each way. I've spent an hour food shopping and probably an hour and a half each night cooking and cleaning the kitchen afterwards. He called me on Wednesday when I was shopping to ask if I would be much longer because he was hungry, then complained when I got home that I'd bought too much because the freezer was already full of food. (I bit my tongue and didn't point out the obvious there). Each night before bed I've put a load of washing on. Each morning before work I've hung the washing out on the line. Tonight I will spend 2-3 hours ironing it. I've cleaned the bathroom and the downstairs loo, changed the bedding and hoovered throughout (this morning). I spent 2 hours this afternoon sorting out his car insurance which is due for renewal on Monday. Each night I have gone to bed alone because I've been exhausted. My husband has watched a film each evening and woken me when he's come to bed every single night. Last night the pile of his clothes that don't need ironing was removed from the bed and put on the floor. It will probably stay there until it's all been re-worn. He was searching for something in a cupboard earlier and the contents are still strewn across the kitchen floor. They'll probably stay there until I get fed up and put it all away again. I asked him to nip round the corner to post a letter for me earlier, but he was too busy on Facebook, so it'll have to wait.
It may sound like whinging, but I feel like Cinderella. He is completely oblivious that I haven't sat down all week and that I've not slept well because of being woken. I feel like I'm putting so much more in than him, which wouldn't smack so hard if he was bloody grateful for some of it!0 -
so many men are like this, especially once they settle into the routine of domesticity, and especially if their mums did a bit too much for them when they were at home!
You are right, he is not incapable, and to have to tidy someone elses junk up all the time is demoralising and does not make you feel valued and respected. My OH is just the same, and it is an ongoing battle - or should I say area of negotiation! It gets tothe stage where you either decide to stop doing it, and then you live in a tip cos they never notice the bloody mess, then pride forces you onto making it respectable sooner or later, especially if you cannot face visitors coming round!
However, it is pretty normal, sadly, probably largely because of the gender roles we bring children up within - he does not feel it is his role to tidy up, and probably does not spot the mess, or just finds it easier to block out! (I occasionaly put a stack of clean laundry on the stairs to go upstairs when the next one of us does... he somehow manages to STEP OVER IT!! - every time - grrr!)
I think men do not think it has any real imact, they cannot connect how them leaving stuff everywhere makes their partner end up slipping into the role of mum and carer to them, which is not what we want, and it causes resentment!
I suppose what I am trying to say here is that he does sound like he has some annoying habits, that drive you to destraction at times... it needs acknowleging, but most men, in fact, most people do... I think this idea of the perfect man and the perfect relationship is a myth personally and that relentlessly persueing it can be damaging and lead to unrealistic expectations....
I wonder if the way forwards is to work on what needs to be addressed in the relationship, perhaps with him, in a constructive way and see how you go...
however, if you find a way to make him clear up his rubbish behing him, please let me know... in fact if you find a way maybe you should write a book! I am sure lots of us would love to know!
Best wishes :-)0 -
What did he say to this?
There is an article in a psychologies magazine might be on the website "Make love not dinner" about your last point, definately worth a read.
He said that he couldn't tell what needs doing and that I only have to ask if I want help. I asked why he hadn't realised that every week for the last 8 years the bedding has been changed as if by magic, or that he's had clean shirts for work every Monday. He said he thought I liked doing it all. I told him that no, there are a hundred other things I'd rather do and for a few days I came home and found the washing brought in (not folded but not outside) which I appreciated. And then bit by bit the dirty dishes started piling up in the sink and I went back to role of carer.0 -
anony.mouse wrote: »Oh, have you slept with a lot then?
!
:rotfl: Not many, no , but I was wise enough to have kept the one with that could breathe thorugh his ears and had a nine inch tongue!
And if you don't laugh at that, then you're taking life far too seriously.:p
fwiw I had an awful childhood, suffered abuse etc, but have managed to leave it all behind me and have a wonderful family now. It is possible.Member of the first Mortgage Free in 3 challenge, no.19
Balance 19th April '07 = minus £27,640
Balance 1st November '09 = mortgage paid off with £1903 left over. Title deeds are now ours.0 -
:rotfl: Not many, no , but I was wise enough to have kept the one with that could breathe thorugh his ears and had a nine inch tongue!
And if you don't laugh at that, then you're taking life far too seriously.:p
fwiw I had an awful childhood, suffered abuse etc, but have managed to leave it all behind me and have a wonderful family now. It is possible.
Does he have a brother?
I'm hoping it will be possible for me to get past it too.0
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