Should you ever settle?

anony.mouse_3

MrsE wrote: »

I believe I've found my Mr Right, my soul mate & the man I was supposed to meet & be with.

But I've had a lot of boyfriends before him & even a first husband. None of them ever felt so right as he does.............

BUT what if fate hadn't conspired that I met him????

Would I still be waiting???

What if you don't met your Mr Perfect???

Do you want to let go of what you have, in exchange for what you may or may not find???

Your last question is exactly what I'm trying to work out.

I don't know why I found this post difficult to read. I've never believed in soulmates. What if this isn't the person I'm meant to be with? Or worse what if it is and I'm making a mess of it?

MrsE_2

anony.mouse wrote: »

Your last question is exactly what I'm trying to work out.

I don't know why I found this post difficult to read. I've never believed in soulmates. What if this isn't the person I'm meant to be with?

What if he is?

What if you go & search & never find what you're looking for?

I can't answer any of your questions, I'm not qualified or knowledgeable enough to.

BUT one piece of advice I can give.
When you don't know what to do, DO NOTHING.
Wait & hopefully time will make things clearer, nothing worse than rushing important decisions.

anony.mouse_3

MrsE wrote: »

What if he is?

What if you go & search & never find what you're looking for?

I can't answer any of your questions, I'm not qualified or knowledgeable enough to.

BUT one piece of advice I can give.
When you don't know what to do, DO NOTHING.
Wait & hopefully time will make things clearer, nothing worse than rushing important decisions.

What about when you don't have time to wait? I've been questioning this for several years. Reaching my mid-thirties has brought the issue to a head.

niknaks

You are clearly unhappy in this relationship. I don't think you should stay just because you are frightened that you might not find someone better for you.

I think (and forgive me if I am wrong) that you are looking for validation to leave. I know I did with my first husband. I loved him, but I spent more days unhappy than happy.

I wanted children, he didn't. That made things very black and white.

What you are lacking is the black and white. You want to leave but don't feel you have a good enough reason to justify doing so, other than your own unhappiness. Your happiness is a good enough reason.

It is scary, but will be much better for you both in the long run if you do it now. As you say (and I understand that too) you don't have time to waste.

I do hope you find happiness, it is not a fairytale.

BillTrac

And on the other hand. This is from a husband who's wife(after 30+ years of marriage)regrets it all. The love and closeness went a long time ago.

This is the voice of bitter experience

You could stay and in 30 years hate him even more because you missed out on so much.

You need to sit down and think, because whatever you decide will be your legacy. If you stay and eventually realise it was a mistake then you will feel bitter. If you decide to go and then realise it was a mistake there is no turning back.

Actually, there will be no turning back whatever you decide as unfortunately time travel isn't a choice. What you finally decide has to be agreed between the pair of you. It isn't about just you, it isn't about just your husband. At the moment you should be a team. You aren't, and this is something you need to talk about, both of you.

I really hope that you both sort it out, but also I hope that we don't have two unhappy people going through the motions of a marriage and just being miserable. We only have one life, seems a shame to live it with no joy

Good luck to BOTH of you

grey_lady

This really is one of the sadest threads i've read on MSE, anony.mouse the fact that you're asking questions about settling means that he isnt 'the one', please ignore the replies about how 'settling' is right and 'get counselling, read books and talk yourself into sticking with it, better the devil you know etc
Niknaks post has some great advice, we've all stuck with unhappy relationships past their sell by date because we didnt want to upset the status quo or weren't strong enough to hurt someone else's feelings.
But... time and time again when we do make the break, eventually we and the other party end up far happier.

Zazen999

anony.mouse wrote: »

I was badly hurt by previous partners and made a conscious decision that I would value dependability over excitement in future relationships. My husband is certainly dependable, but the lack of excitement over a number of years is getting to me. On the other hand none of my previous partners would have been accepted by my family, and my family do adore my husband.

My fairytale is to have it all. To adore and be adored, to feel valued and respected and cared for. To feel happy more days than not. I see couples that have been married for decades who still have that, so it must be possible.

What your posts are saying to me is that when you decided to get married to this person, you already had it in your head that he was not exciting. So you really weren't giving either of you a chance.

What I found out over the years is that there is a very very tiny chance of finding 'the perfect partner'.......there is no fairytale ending - being together is sometimes 90/10 one way, sometimes 10/90 the other way and even if it doesn't always end up 50/50 then as long as you are happy with things then it's worth it.

Now, I don't know what else apart from untidyness drives you mad; and I'm not going to ask - but if you really adore the person that you are with, you can teach yourself to let it go. But if you don't adore them, or respect them, or want to be with them, or go on holiday with them; then you won't let it go, you'll go on and on nearly always to prove a point [which usually is that they aren't good enough for you].

Although you retorted to aliasjo's first post...I think you really need to ask yourself why you think it made you feel worse. She's dead right - even if you have any feelings for him, if you aren't the one for him then let him find someone who does respect him and likes his funny little ways - gawd knows they all have them.

aliasojo

anony.mouse wrote: »

You misunderstand me. He doesn't provide for me. We both work extremely hard and are both careful with money, so I feel safe financially because we have the same ideas about money. I know that when he goes away on boys weekends I have nothing to worry about. Long term those things are important to me. We both bring to the marriage, but like everyone we have our ups and downs. At the moment the down is lasting a very long time and I don't know if it is just an extended blip or that we are unsuited and shouldn't be together.

Sorry, that was my fault for not being clearer. I didn't misunderstand you...and he does provide for you, in stability. I appreciate my post sounded like I thought he provided financially...that wasn't what I meant.

Now that I've read your recent posts, I think you're over analysing everything, probably as a result of your therapy. What most of us accept as part and parcel of life, you seem to be fretting over. There are loads of things my OH does (or doesn't do, come to that) that annoy the backside off me. Things that are repetitive and for the life of me, I cant understand why he doesn't stop doing them, especially since I've asked him to.

I've been to Relate with my OH as our life together has been far from plain sailing. It helped to sort the wheat from the chaff, if you like. We were both made to sort the realistic expectations from the unrealistic ones and one we had established what was 'fair and reasonable' to expect, then those were what we worked on. Both sides had to have concessions and let things pass that would normally be on our 'annoy' list, simply because we had to accept that the other person was not us and therefore they would have a different set of 'acceptable' and 'not acceptable'.

It sounds like a lot of work just to have a peaceful life, lol....but that's what life is...work. Everything need work, nothing you have just happens for you.

I wonder if you are at the stage of analysing everything now and questioning things that normally wouldn't matter too much?

I think you both need to go to counselling. Your therapy might well be helping you sort out whatever you needed to work on but I suspect your relationship needs joint input.

I also strongly suspect that your relationship is more regular routine than fun these days and that you're struggling to remember why you're together in the first place. You have to invest first before you get any reward......put in more effort and see what the dividends are.

I have no idea if you are a committed christian or not....I'm not but I came across this film by accident (I thought it was something else involving hunky firemen ) and although it was pretty cheesy and twee...the storyline was about a couple who hated each other and heading for divorce, ending up loving each other again. Apparently it is used as a counselling tool in America. I'm not suggesting you follow the steps in the film but it might make you consider your own actions in your relationship too, rather than just becoming focused on the annoying things your OH does.

http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3377236480/tt1129423

In the end we cant tell you if your relationship needs work or if it's dead. But I stand by what I said earlier, if your husband is not what you want or need, move on. It's very stressful and upsetting living life as someone else's 'that'll do'.

lynzpower

anony.mouse wrote: »

I'm definitely not perfect, and I'd never profess to be. You've hit the nail on the head though. How do you know if you have the perfect man for you? And what do you do if you realise you haven't but have invested your best years in the relationship?

I am also definately not perfect. But the perfect man for me accepts my flaws, works with them, and even when I am Mrs Nightmare, still loves me and wants to be with me forever. ( he just wishes Mrs nightmare would pi55 off!! :rotfl:)

there are some things that my OH does that really do my head in. We have a laundry box. He frequently puts his clothes ON TOP of the box as opposed to in it. I honestly cant understand that and it puzzles me for ages.

You need to work out what your battles are before you can opick them

If youdont have any shared interests, maybe time to find some? We dont hugely samey interests, but we found we both like camping, walking, shopping. He hates theatre, but will put up with it if I want to go. I cant stand the cinema, but if he wants to go we go. Compromising a little help and broadening your horizons.

I dont think you can take adecision when you have allowed your own identity to be subsumed by therelationship. I have been here too, fairlyrecently, where I felt I had no life, and it was somehow OHs fault. Well it wasnt it was mine, I am responsible for myown happiness, not him .

Pssst

I think your therapist needs therapy.

I do not think its a good idea to try and mould people into what you think is ideal.

People are what they are.

Why is it always moulding the man?

aisle,altar hymn...the signs are there on the wedding day.

think about how you would feel if he was trying to make you fit into his vision of what is ideal for him? you would begin to feel unloved, undervalued and inadequate.

No..my answer is that if you truly believe that you are not happy and that there are issues of discontent then pack your bags and do one.

Are you staying with him simply becuase you do not have the confidence/ability/ money to hack it on your own?

If so,thats no basis for a sound relationship. you are simply using him.

Men do tend to be slightly disorganised and untidy. Women generally are always bloody trying to tidy up. Its how it is.