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Should you ever settle?
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anony.mouse wrote: »At the moment the down is lasting a very long time and I don't know if it is just an extended blip or that we are unsuited and shouldn't be together.
From what you said in your first post you should never have been together - both of you deserve to love and be loved - and while you are both together you are denying both of you happiness.
How can he be happy if you arent happy and vice versa.
I remember years ago a long term relationship was on the rocks - we had a huge fight and it came out that he had settled for me. He had never loved me and had found over time that he had resented me for not being the one for him. I had done nothing wrong but love him for him but he had never loved me for me.
I cannot tell you how painful this was -my whole life with this person was built on a lie. I felt cheated of the past and also humiliated that someone could deny me the right to love and be loved for me.
Even writing this now brings a lump to my throat. You get one life and I had years of mine stolen from me by a fraudster. He allowed me to buy into the dream but it was an illusion and never existed.
To be kindest to you both (and I do mean both) is the hardest option but it is the fairest. If you like him at all you will allow him the dream and the dignity. He is who he is - you knew that when you settled for him.
Good luck and the very best wishes for the future0 -
Hi, I have just read the whole post from beginning to end and felt I had to respond to say.... NO, settling is not good and I for one do not believe that anyone should settle in a relationship. Just the word 'settle' troubles me when it is used in relationship terms. Also the people I know that have done this have ALL gone on to be unhappy and some it has given them a 'get out clause' to have affairs etc.
Relationships and marriages are about mutual respect, love, tenderness, comprimise, compassion, laughter, sharing, growing and learning about each other together. Unfortunately when the resentment and disappointment feelings start to emerge it can be extremely difficult for the other positive feelings to come forth without a monumental effort on both parts. That effort is worth it when all of those feelings have been there from the start. Early on in your post you wrote about knowing right from the start that you were settling for this man, and in my book that means that most of those positive feelings that I have mentioned above were probably not in place.
My view is that you will have to change your outlook dramatically for this relationship to work, so that you can have the respect and empathy needed to be able to communicate effectively and fairly with your husband and for the two of you to work TOGETHER at deciding what your future needs to look like.
I wish you every success and hope that whatever you decide to do you find happiness both with yourself and with anyone you have a relationship with.The good you do comes back to you.DFW Long haul supporters No: 1340
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